Dead or Alive: Musicians

by Antichrist

Bob Marley - Dead
Mic Jagger - Alive
Elvis - Dead
Tupac Shakur - Alive
Warren Zevon - Dead
Biggie Smalls - Dead
Paul McCartney - Dead
Darius Rucker - ?
Keith Richards - Clinically Dead

Printer Assistance Monologue

Okay sir, calm down. Printer problems can be easily fixed. What you described to me sounds like a paper jam.

I understand that you think there is no paper jammed. I'm going to have to ask you to look again. It has a bone color, and it also goes by papel.

Alright, now try. Still not working? I think there is a paper jam that you're missing.

Nothing? There must be something else to go along with the paper jam that you are overlooking.

I'd like you to rattle the printer like a Christmas present. Good you should hear something.

Now take the ink cartridges and suck the remaining ink out like snake venom. And gently swallow.

Check for paper jam, and sir you are welcome. Thank you for calling the Suicide Hotline.
-AC

Campus Quotables

For someone with a physical deformity, she was kind of a bitch.

Wanna go see The Cornbread Man?

We got a Level 4 clinger on our hands.

Don't brush me. Don't brush me.

Make me lunch, bitch!

Wanna go see Al Sharpton?

My printer is a dumbass.

Wanna make a friendly bet?

Do you like Mountain Dew?

Taco Bell's open.
-AC

Tom Gallagher's Platform

Hello, I'm Tom Gallagher, and I'm running for governor of the great state of Florida. My campaign manager made me bring up stuff like gay marriage and abortions, but I only truly have one focus in this time of war:

Taking Down Adult Billboards

I don't want to explain what these signs mean to my son. Is it because I don't understand them? Not down with the lingo? Don't get the innuendo? The double entendres? Well, I don't. Here are some billboards that will be taken down, along with ones that will stay:

These two horseback riders are obviously brother and sister. I don't want to have to explain incest to my son. Do you? Caus that would save me some trouble.

I'm not sure why the twins from The Shining had their own billboard, but it's coming down.

Kids aren't going to give donations to charity. This is an adult billboard. Peace Easter Seals.

I see nothing wrong with this, it stays.
-AC

Cheat At Online Poker

by Antichrist
Win at least $75 overnight with a Poker Bot

Returned Earnings Report:

Hey, it's the Poker Bot. Yea, I'm gonna be a little short on the 75 bucks this time. I got wasted, and I threw away some good cards. Straight flush or something. Sounds like this morning, I was puking like nobody's business.

I know I'm only supposed to play poker, being a Poker Bot, but I kinda hit up the roulette tables. But dude, the hottest bots are at the roulette table son. Online roulette's not my game though. I'm used to throwing a bunch of balls on the wheel to confuse the players.

So I'm down a grand. But tonight, there is no need to worry. I am not going to spend your money on robot hookers and make up a story about losing at roulette.

What Sparked My Interest This Week (Vol. 2)

Elton John Wants to Make Hip-Hop Album
"I want to work with Pharrell , Timbaland, Snoop, Kanye, Eminem and just see what happens," John says in the Sept. 7 issue. "It may be a disaster, it could be fantastic, but you don't know until you try."

I am an absolute supporter of this idea. Ghetto Gospel off Loyal to the Game is one of my favorite songs, and that was produced by Eminem. Imagine if Dre or Kanye use his songs for samples. It makes me giddy.

RainbowPuke.com
Weird for the sake of weird?

Diddy Drunk
Funny as shit.

If you give someone candy or a card, they may or may no smile. If you give someone flowers they will always smile.

I overheard this from a girl talking on her cell, about what she learned in class.

Pluto Gets a Downgrade
I think the best way to go is to use 1984 tactics. Pluto is a dwarf planet. Pluto was never a planet. Pluto will always be a dwarf planet. Hail Big Brother.
-AC

Larry the Cable Guy's Suri Cruise Siting

by Antichrist
Thanks Tony, I'm here with comedian Larry the Cable Guy, who claims to have seen TomKat's baby girl Suri.

Yea, I dun saw the Suri Cruise.

Earlier reports have claimed that she is a beautiful child in full health. What was your opinion, Larry?

I guess she wuz healthy. She didn't seem to be missin any of dem important bones. When I saw her she got a traffic cone on her head though.

Did TomKat also sport these cones?

No m'am. They dun had on those things you put on your tv.

Antennae.

Alright, antennae looked in their window.

So, did this all happen in California?

Yea, I saw dem in the Hollywood. I'm filming a new movie. It's called Larry the Cable Guy: Colon and Rectal Surgeon.

Any final thoughts on Suri Cruise?

Suri Cruise first name dun have all letters that can be found in her last name.

Hmm, well Larry, that observation was very astute.

Yea, sorry I'm about to make another asstute.

My Dorm Room Smells of Apples

The smell is not of one wayward apple, but of a plethora. Here are the possible causes:

1) My dorm room was built on top of an apple orchard.

2) Someone had an Easter apple hunt in the room.

3) Someone snuck into the vents, releasing a concentrated apple spray that has gotten to the room through the air conditioning.
-AC

Baby or Old Man?

-AC

Failed Spinoffs

Cheney in Charge
I Dream of Hitler
Please Don't Eat The Mushrooms
Chico and the Border Patrol Officer
Coach 2006
-AC

Patchwork Novel: Chapter 3 (Part Two of Two)

by Antichrist
He shook his head in fake disbelief, and smiled at Abigal as he exited the study. It seems this quick exchange would turn into me awkwardly searching for small talk with his daughter that remained. I looked around the room and spotted a model boat. Before I could mention the vessel, Abigal yelled, “Daddy has to get the letter!”

Her overly loud, inside voice made me aware of her presence, or more succinctly, her odor. It seems this was a model of a ship that Abigal, probably close to my age, had spent her time on, or any other housing that kept her from bathing properly. She leaned over to me, filling my nostrils with the stench of cat urine, and whispered, “He’ll be back in a minute.” After adding that comment, she sunk back into the daydream state she seemed accustomed to occupy, twirling her mangy black hair, and picking lint from her convex abdomen. In an effort to divert my gaze from that site, I looked to the floor, seeing that she had in fact not worn socks or shoes. I turned back to the boat, not wanting another second of the yellow and green hooves on display, and was blessed by my eyesight.

Underneath the model boat was a envelope addressed to Jack Caesar. I made two realizations. Firstly, he knew I was going by Caesar, and had preplanned that remark about a following. Secondly, I could leave before he returned, and not have to get acquainted with his daughter.

“Your father has gone on a needless hunt, the letter is right here. I am afraid I am in a bit of a hurry, and will thus take my leave,” I said, giving her the most courtesy she may have ever received. She said something about waiting, and to not go, but I had already escaped from the sight of the beast.

Tennis Lesson

What you want to do is find a position that’s comfortable. I’ll hit some to you, and we’ll see how you do.

Okay, that’s good. The next thing I want to teach you is, tennis is like, um…
*Car drives by the court*

Tennis is like driving a car. Once you learn, you never forget. Wait, that’s a bicycle. Oh wait, here we go. Tennis is like driving a car. You have to take out your anger. Alright, now take out your anger. Good, okay, tennis is also like

*Dog runs by chasing a bird*

A dog running by chasing a bird. You don’t want to over-pursue, you want to give up and chase your tail. Which leads me to my next point, that tennis is

*Moon eclipses the sun*

An eclipse. Wow, um. I’ve got nothing.

*Woman starts to play tennis in the next court, displaying the correct technique for a backhand*

Alright, watch her, I’m gonna grab another beer.
-AC

Let Me See Your Laptop

I’ll only be a minute, I just want to check my e-mail. Thanks. *types*

CoBrACoMmAnDeR
jellybelly

All spam. Wait, I would like to see Alabama’s hottest singles and the “afbnewudn” at the end of that must mean I won something.

Norton AntiVirus has detected a virus on your computer.
Name: Trojan.Bloodhound.FukupComp
Action: No action was taken.

Shit. X out. X out. Whew. Okay, think.

Yo, it says your computer hasn’t run a virus scan in a month.

Sorry, I already hit it. Yo, you got a virus. Sucks to be you.

I didn’t do anything. Although I think I have a date with one of Alabama’s hottest singles. Yes I’m aware that we’re in Nebraska. Maybe it’s one of those mail-in chicks.
-AC

At a Flea Market

by Antichrist

How much for the Boba Fett pez?
-Seventy-Five Dorrar
Seventy-Five Dollars?
-Seventy-Five.
How much for this Mayor McCheese toy?
-Two.
Two dollars for this?
-Two.
You have a seventy-five dollar item on the ground next to a two dollar item, and…they are both marked fifty cents.
-That two. That seventy-five.
I saw this at the next table for five.
-That lie. You lie. Boba Fett ess very rare.
I’ll go over and show you.
-That no Boba Fett pez. That Snuffleupagus.
Well, it’s five. And Boba Fett should be the same.
-Okay, fifty. That good deal. I give you very good deal.
Look they have Luke, and it’s three. They were put out at the same time.
-You buy that then.
Maybe I will, but if that one is three, maybe this one should be a bit cheaper.
-Thirty-five final offer.
Hmm.
+Hey is that a Boba Fett pez? I’ll give you seventy-five dollars for it.
-Sold to thee very smart man in the Git-R-Done shirt.

Gay Coach

by Antichrist
Fabulous practice you guys. Ass-is-taut Coach Robespierre and I want to make some remarks before you share the showers. Your young supple bodies glistening as you pass the single bar of soap to your teammates, oops did it slip out of your hands, let me get that for you, you’ll say. Eager to try what you’ve only dreamt...

COACH!

Oh, yes the remarks. I don’t mean to pick a certain position to focus on, because Coach Robespierre usually does that for me...tehehe. Anyways, the quarterbacks were really dragging today with giving hand-offs. You need to caress each ball every time. And when you take the snap, make sure your hands stay firmly under the center. I don’t know how many times I’ve shown you how it’s done, and how many times the Principal made me write letters to your parents about it. Also, the running backs, I’m free tomorrow if you want to practice taking it hard up the middle. The wideouts need work too. If you’re going to receive, reserve your aggressiveness. You should take notes from our 3 tight ends on the roster. Five if you count me and Robespierre, tehehe. You guys know how much I love watching the battle in the trenches. Dirty uniforms, hands every which way. The pileup after a fumble, not knowing where you end and the other player begins.

COACH!

What? Okay, one last thing. Ass-is-taut Coach Robespierre brought it to my attention that our celebrations are poorly choreographed. Maybe you can sleep over one another’s house and practice. And make sure you video tape it, so I can see how you’re …um…progressing. That’s it for today, I had some of my construction worker friends, I mean there’s some construction going on around the showers. You’ll have to squeeze into a little smaller area until they’re finished. And the towel closet has been moved from right next to the showers to my office. Grab a towel when you’re done.

Coach?

Yes Jeremy.

Can’t we get the towel before we go to the showers, that way we won’t have to walk naked back to your office?

No.

Incoherency

Val Kilmer got fat as shit.

This guy reminds me of Voldo from Soul Caliber

It visibly pains Tom Cruise to show affection to Katie Holmes.

-AC

Patchwork Novel: Chapter 3 (Part One of Two)

by Antichrist
Ushered into the private study by the Norwegian butler, I was given ample time to peruse bookcase after bookcase before the arrival of the professor. The seven seconds the door was opened, before being brutally shut, allowed a hint of fresh air to wander about the cigar filled cavern. Comparable to a small pack of freshman among a row of highly offensive lineman. The fresh air was quickly unnoticeable.

As my much traversed lower body collapsed onto a lounge chair, my not so gentle plop timed itself just as the professor creaked into the study. His robe was at least three sizes too small. I prayed he wore something beneath them, lest I see his underclassmen when he was seated.

“Professor Hillbury,” he stated in roll call manner, as if it were my name. While I neither answered by saying “here,” nor with my actual moniker, he seemed accepting of the “Jack Caesar” that I threw out there.

“Ah, a name worthy of the following you have amassed,” he mustered with a witty grin.

Ignoring the playful banter, I shot straight and asked, “I was told you had a letter to give me.”

“I hope you don’t mind if my daughter joins us,” assumed Hillbury, making the simple hand off a cordial affair.

His daughter walked in, or more correctly, trampled, as she tripped over the bottom third of the door. I was not sure whether her Igor-like limp was from said door accident, or a natural hunchback. Her toothy grin should have been kept hidden, as she stated her name with the same inflection as did her father, “Abigal Hillbury.”

“Isn’t she marvelous?” egged on the professor.

“About the letter,” I focused, ignoring the beast that intruded in what I assumed was a private matter.

The elder Hillbury patted each pocket of his robe thrice, and tilted his head upward, as if the letter would be pinned to the ceiling. “I am truly sorry, it’s in my other robe,” stammered the professor. Hopefully that robe would be longer.

Best of Groping

by Antichrist
Prince Harry grabbing a chick that's not his girfriend. Busted.

Designer Isaac Mizrahi "seeing how Scarlett's dress was made"

Let me just, ahhright I waahnt to graab your ass.

I waahnt to graab your titties.

Now I waahnt to hog tie and choke you.

Now I waahnt to suck on your hair.

Artistic groping

The cutest groper since Christian Slater

Samuel L. Jackson’s Letterman Appearance Recap With My Truman Capote-Like Retention Rate

Previous to Jackson’s entrance, Letterman was really glowing about his guest. He said something to the effect that Jackson’s a great guy, a great actor, and a…raconteur. Jackson comes out wearing one of his signature caps (a blue one), and no longer has a beard. His movie about a hobo boxer must have wrapped up shooting, he looks good. They start talking about Jackson’s daughter Zoe, who graduated from culinary school. He says that he only got one cooked meal out of her when she visited home. Letterman asked Jackson if he was a good cook. Jackson paused and said yea, that he makes what he likes. However if he had company over, he would make a full meal. Letterman asked what Jackson would make if he came over. Jackson said he’s naturally a southern cook, and that he would make some chicken, with cornbread. Letterman says that he has a heart condition, and Jackson replies that it’s only one meal.

Letterman awkwardly transitions into Snakes on a Plane, and says that he is scared of both flying and snakes. Jackson says that they don’t bother him now. He says that in the beginning the snakes weren’t on set with him. He then breaks into an impression of his agent, who fittingly to this blog entry, sounds like Truman Capote. No snakes near Sam. 40 feet from Sam. The voice was funny, and Letterman joined in with the same voice. I was surprised that neither made a Capote comment, which seemed glaringly obvious to me at home.

Letterman pulls out a magazine article with Sam Jackson holding snakes on set. Jackson points to one in particular and says that they had to position it away from the other snakes, because it eats snakes. Paul Shaffer makes a subtle sexual remark about how he doesn’t like snake on snake. Jackson says there were real snakes, CGI, and rubber ones. He says that if you grab a rubber snake and hit it against the wall, no one would know the difference.

While explaining the plot, Jackson says that the snakes were sprayed with a pheromone, which he describes as snakes on crack. Letterman jokes that not only are there snakes on a plane, but they’re on crack too. They show the clip of Jackson saying that everyone needs to work together, and that he’s good at what he does. After the clip, Jackson says that the last time he made a speech like that, a shark ate him.

The interview was surprisingly short. There was a lot of time between Jackson and the musical guest, Gnarls Barkley. They performed Crazy wearing boarding school outfits (Dead Poet’s Society-esque).
-AC

James Blunt Rocks The Fans

"When I come here I want to get away from it all and I just keep to myself so I'd like some privacy in return. I've gone out and bought a gun that shoots rocks so if I catch anyone hanging around then I'll get them with that." -James Blunt Link

Set Up: James Blunt is recording his hit "You're Beautiful" in his house on the Spanish island of Ibiza. Outside there is a congregation of local Spaniards and tourists who made the trek to see their favorite rocker. -AC

Agent: Alright James, there's some people outside, I think after you're done recording, it'd be nice to go out there and sign a few autographs.
James Blunt: No way dick.
Dick the Agent: Well, if during recording they bother you, just let me know.
James Blunt: I hate them so much. But let's record.

James Blunt: My life is brilliant...
Fans: James we love you!!
James Blunt: I can't do this.
Dick the Agent: Alright, I'll go and talk to them.
James Blunt: No way, I got something perfect for them. Let's try recording again.

James Blunt: My life is brilliant...
Fans: Nosotros le adoramos!!!
PUDDUNKK
Fans: What the fuck was that?
James Blunt: My life is brilliant.
PUDDUNKK
Female Fan: Ahhhhh, I'm hit.
Male Fan: This lady is seriously hurt, she needs immediate medical attention.
Doctor Fan: Don't worry, I'm a doctor.
James Blunt: My love is pure.
PUDDUNKK PUDDUNKK
Male Fan: Shit, he was a doctor too, he could have helped. He hasn't shot any for a while, maybe he's out of rocks.
Bystander: Hey what's going on here.
James Blunt: She caught my eye, as I walked on by.
PUDDUNKK
Bystander: Ahhhhh my fucking eye.
James Blunt: She could see from my face that I was
PUDDUNKK
James Blunt: Fucking High
PUDDUNKK PUDDUNKK PUDDUNKK
Male Fan: .....
Female Fan: ....
Bystander: .....
Dick the Agent: Are you happy, you've killed them all.
James Blunt: No. I'll never be happy. Not until I find that crack whore that I wrote this song about when I was high as shit back in Reno.
Dick the Agent: Can we get back to recording?
James Blunt: Wait, there's one more.
PUDDUNKK
Dick the Agent: ......

Carl Goes To The Library

Wearing my Miami Hurricanes (Mighty Ducks as Heather refers to it) hat fashioned backwards (my hair is a bit dishevelled), I peruse the shelf of library DVD's. I lean against the back of a lounge chair, mostly because my hat is backwards, and it seems only right to lean and lounge. I spot The Deer Hunter, and decide that I have three hours to spare to see this classic again. I pass over Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow, I'm not making that mistake another time, even if Angie Jolie in an eyepatch fits at least two of my fetishes. I pull out Traffic, seeing Benicio and Don Cheadle stare back at me, I'm sold. I also see that it is co-starring Dennis Quaid, not Kevin Bacon, as I thought upon first look. Third movie picked - American Beauty. I have no witty commentary, except that a bare midriff is a good box cover. Unless after watching I find that it's Kevin Spacey's, and a big You're Gay pops out on the screen (a la Pornucopia). So then I move to the two sided CD shelf.

I notice how racist the makeup of the CD shelf is.
On one side: Alanis Morissette, Buddy Holly, Lenny Kravitz, Broadway Soundtracks.
On the other side: Lightning Hopkins, BB King, John Coltrane, Percy Mayfield.
However there is a Bob Dylan CD and a Celine Dion CD on the black side. The librarian must have compensated by putting a couple of the whitest music with the jazz and blues greats.
I get U2 - Achtung Baby, Van Morrison - Astral Weeks, and The Who Sings My Generation (their first album).

Looking for a magazine to read, I see a Rolling Stones I already read, and that People has disappeared like Freedomland. Too soon? Yes most likely. No, that movie was bad. People disappeared like Freedomland. Going down the magazine shelf (all I know to call them are shelves, I don't work at Ikea), the only leaflet that looks desirable to read is Ebony (which has foxy, yet crazy bitch Mariah Carey on the cover). I pass.

After a lengthy search for a book, I decide on Bend Sinister by Nabokov. If this has half as much of the pedophilia as Lolita did (and the title implies that it will), I should be happy. Because I...find it...a good topic to read about, yea that'll do.

Writer's Note: MTV is making a movie based on this blog with the above being the running title. The only downside is I have to tell my kids that I'll be the next Ernest. Yes, they know who Ernest is, my oldest is 23. Yes, I fathered a child before I was born. How? Well you know science these days.
-AC

How I'd Cast Brave New World

I finished reading this Aldous Huxley classic, and searched to see if a movie has been made about it. The most notable was a made-for-tv starring Peter Gallagher and Leonard Nemoy. That doesn't sound too good. If I were to caste (pun intended) Brave New World, it would look like this:

John the Savage - Questions the civilized world. Has been brought up with the writings of Shakespeare, and quotes them frequently. He's the protagonist, strong, and poetic. Played by Christian Bale

Bernard Marx - The focus of the beginning of the book, he is surprisingly short for the caste in which he is a member. He is seen as weird because he doesn't participate in the accepted aspects of society. Some of the things he does are comical, so I would have him played by Jack Black (channeling his King Kong performance, not Nacho Libre)

Lenina Crowne - The beautiful Lenina Crowne gets around in this free sex, everybody belongs to everyone else society. However she shows signs of monogamy, being with Henry Foster for an unusual amount of time without being with someone else (in their society's eyes). She also falls in love with John the Savage. Played by Elizabeth Banks

Mustapha Mond - An older, authority figure who is kind of a dick. Played by Rip Torn

Henry Foster - Got with Lenina, now she likes John the Savage. Small part. Played by Craig Bierko

Linda - John's mom who is seen as disgusting by the members of the civilized society. Played by Kathy Bates

Fanny Crowne - Lenina's slightly less attractive friend. Played by Jennifer Coolidge

Helmholtz Watson - Friend of Bernard Marx and John the Savage. There's this one part where he and John are beating up all these scientists and Bernard is looking on, scared to join in. Bernard decides on screaming Help, in an effort to look like he's helping. Helmholtz Watson played by Guy Pearce

I think all of the civilized people have Lupus, so I would need a good makeup team. As director I would want Christopher Nolan

I read the story in book form, but here's an online version.
-AC

Philosophy on Women

Sometimes I think it is strange when I realize, my philosophy on women is based off of my top 3 friends. When I see a girl, immediately these three theories cross through my mind. There's the mike theory, any girl will do, including the hairy assed one's, to which he is not so embarrassed as to tell the entire story in full detail, with visual, or physical aid (i.e. the stubble on his neck). Then theirs the Heather approach, if your fucked up enough any girl will do, that's including drunk and high combo's. Then of course the Carl approach, does she have Lolita status, does she have big titties, is she on the heavier side, is she an amputee addicted to meth lactating have 3 kids and like anal, "The Carl Theory" as I like to call it is based strictly on fetish type girls, and also being drunk.
-Minotaur Man

Dream Life: Dave Navarro

by AC
He's just broken up with goddess Carmen Electra after three years of marriage, and is wasting no time getting back on the horse. Porn star Jenna Jameson separated from her husband to be with him. Maybe that other line should have been, getting back on the "whores." His availability broke up a marriage, and attracted a porn star, that's awesome. I hope they make a porn. Not as a homemade porn. I want no dubious lighting. It is Jenna Jameson though. Her homemade videos probably have professional equipment, making Paris Hilton's look like scrambled cable through nightvision goggles. Wait, it did look like that already. ANYWHO Dave Navarro is living a dream life. Ex-guitarist for Red Hot Chili Peppers, got with Carmen and Jameson.
However after tongue kissing Tommy Lee, he now has Hepatitis A through E. Okay, that may be unfair to say. B through D. At least.

Writer's Note: Today is Michael Ian Black's 35th birthday. Please make any toasts on his behalf.

Lottery

(Heavily extrapolated from a true story)

DULUTH, MN (August 11) - Lydia Franklin has been playing the Fantasy Five lottery game since she was eight years old. Don’t ask us how she got tickets when she was underage, maybe she worked at the store. Anyhow, she is now a hundred-aire. Lydia brought her winning ticket to store owner Julian Barratoza. His reaction to her reaction was the following, “She looked happy.“

From what we’ve gathered, she is 37 years old. She has spent approximately $4,000 in lottery tickets, but it seems to be paying off. This is her first win in 29 years of lottery play, however if she continues to win as she did today, she will be rich.

When asked to speak about her victory, she failed to comment. We are left to gather that she is mute. Although store owner Ricky Gutierrez says that she has talked to him, we at the Duluth Times are left to gather that she is having a love triangle, and only speaks to those within the one-half base times height area. When asked about the love triangle, Barratoza said that Ricky Gutierrez was inserted because I forgot his name, but remembered that it sounded Hispanic. He informs me that Ricky Gutierrez is a Chicago White Sox player. We here at the Duluth Times are left to gather that Lydia Franklin is a mute gold digger who gets money from a baseball player, and receives doctored lottery tickets from her other lover, store owner Jose Martinez.
- AC

What Sparked My Interest This Week

by Antichrist
Hungry men prefer heavier women
No word on if the sample was made up of cannibals.

Rapper Supernatural freestyles for over 9 hours, breaks world record
I think I had this record beat when I was freestyling on Sam's couch. I read on another site that he was mostly backstage with other rappers. Would there have to be an official witness? That must have been boring, caus that freestyle probably got shitty real quickly. The old record was by a Canadian rapper. Nine hours of a Canadian accent rapping would be tortuous.

Milgram experiment
Very interesting, old study on obedience. I found out about it through a Peter Gabriel song, which is where I get most of my scientific information.

Listerine Agent Cool Blue
Smart idea for kids to brush their teeth better.

Applebee's Quesadilla Burger
That just looks good. This link is the proverbial "Everybody Loves Raymond" in the box of porn.

Guide to Quoting Pop Culture
His 4 rules: don't use outdated quotes, don't use obscure quotes, don't correct other people's quotes, and don't overuse quotes. I think I'm in violation of at least three of those.

Musical tastes of:
Mr. Michael Ian Black
and
Mr. Paul Rudd

What I have in common musically with Michael Ian Black: Bob Dylan, David Bowie, Eminem, Rolling Stones, The Shins, The Strokes

What I have in common musically with Paul Rudd: Elvis Costello, R.E.M., Stevie Wonder, The Beatles, David Bowie, Bob Dylan, Jane's Addiction, Led Zeppelin, Nirvana

Conclusion: My taste in music is very Jewish.

Dustin Diamond (Screech) Mugging Transcript

“According to his account, a woman, armed with mace, busted into his hotel room and apparently was only able get away with some PSP games, which Diamond was able to recover. He was able, at one point, to pin the woman with the hotel door, prompting her to cry out rape.”
Link

Prostitute: Hey you’re not Corey Feldman.
Screech: I got your 10 bucks it doesn’t matter who I am.
Prostitute: Well let’s get it over with.
Screech: Just let me finish playing Ape Escape.

45 minutes later
Screech: Argh, fucking Specter took my time machine again.
Prostitute: I expect to be paid extra for sitting here.
Screech: What do you mean sitting here? You drank my liter of vodka.
Prostitute: Whaaat?
Screech: Come ‘ere baby.

1 minute 17 seconds later
Prostitute: *sprays Screech with mace*
Screech: Ah my beady eyes!! Somebody help, she’s taking my games! Take that! *pins her with door*
Prostitute: Rape!!
Hotel Guard: Is there a problem miss?
Prostitute: Screech’s trying to door rape me.
Hotel Guard: Is that right, Mr. Screech?
Screech: She *sniff* took my *sniff* Action Girlz Racing game.
Hotel Guard: Did you?
Prostitute: *kicks ground* yes
Hotel Guard: Were you trying to rape her with the door?
Screech: yes
Hotel Guard: Okay, we’ll settle this. You give him back his female racing game…
Screech: It’s a unisex game.
Hotel Guard: I’m…sure it is. And you stop playing the raping game. Now isn’t that better? Hey weren’t you on celebrity boxing?
Screech: Yea fucker I was.
PUNCH
Hotel Guard: That’s for beating up Horshack.
-AC

How The Pillow Came Into Modern Use

by AC
Ug Grunt Grunt [I am tired of sleeping on rocks, it strongly lacks comfort]
-Rart Grunt Ug [I fully concur with your sentiment]
Grunt Grunt Rart [Maybe we should use those pillows we came up with instead]
-Ug Ug [Yes, fight with rocks and sleep on pillows]
Grunt Rart [We were foolish to have those jobs inverted upon invention]
-Grunt Grunt [Does this mean we shall end fighting with pillows?]
Rart Ug Rart [No, we will allow pillow battling for hot chicks only]
-Ug [What about effeminate men?]
Grunt [Grunt]
-Rart Ug Ug Rart Grunt Grunt Grunt Grunt [I couldn’t bare having to tell your wife that she can’t jump on the bed, having a pillow battle with her friend]
Ug Ug Rart Grunt Rart Rart Grunt Grunt Ug Rart Grunt [Fuck you]
-Ug Grunt [Can we still throw rocks at effeminate men?]
Rart Ug [Yes. But if they catch it, then we have to pretend we’re frozen]
-Ug Rart [Frozen, just like the dinosaurs?]
-Grunt Ug Grunt [Too soon dude, too soon]

Train With Floyd Landis!

www.floydlandis.com/camp

Past camp highlights:
- Lectures and instructional courses from Jose Canseco on how to inject yourself (or a teammate) with illegal substances.
- What you need to know about the dreaded urine test.
- How to win without cheating.*
- How to play dumb to talk show hosts.
- Really hard bike training stuff.**
- Live by our motto: “If they catch you, explain to them that you’re a drunk”

*“How to win without cheating” was cancelled due to zero attendance and no one to teach the class.
**Training substituted for 8-hour doping session.
-AC

Fill In That Emo Lyric

1. Miles can ______ this tie we've made
a) Lengthen b) Undo c) Cut d) Tie

2. No, I hope you die right now, Will you drink my ________?
a) Semen b) Blood c) Chemical d) Urine

3. I'll move the ______ to show you of my cut
a) Knife b) Skin c) Scab d) Hair

4. Every word gets you a step closer to _______
a) Knowing b) Illiteracy c) Heaven d) Hell

5. She's gonna find out how much it hurts to _____
a) Lie b) Die c) Lay d) Be Happy

6. Let's have a war! It can start in ______ ______!
a) Our Minds b) The Hate c) My Future d) New Jersey

7. They'll fucking tie you down and bleed you from your ______
a) Insides b) Sounds c) Wrists d) Voice

8. This tree is ____ ____ ____
a) Dead and Cold b) Not a Home c) Open and Hollow d) Not a Tree

9. I'm tired of making love to a(n) _______
a) Corpse b) Memory c) Illusion d) Tranny

10. I will sing a melody until the ______ starts choking me
a) Fluid b) Song c) Word d) Poison

-AC

Answers:

1)c 2)c 3)a 4)d 5)b 6)d 7)c 8)a 9)b 10)a

Mel Gibson Arrest Transcript

Male Cop: Please step out of the car sir.
Mel Gibson: Fuck you motherfucker, I don’t answer to Jew pieces of shit.
Male Cop: Step out of the car sir.
Mel Gibson: Are you a Jew? It’s a simple question, yes or no.
Male Cop: Step out of the car sir.
Mel Gibson: You are, so are your little Jew cop friends coming over here. I’m Mel Gibson. Oh shit, that’s a fine piece of Jew Ass. *Steps out of car*
Female Cop: It seems like you’ve been drinking Mr. Gibson. I’m going to have to ask you to take a breathalyzer test.
Mel Gibson: Hey Sugartits, the only thing I wanna drink tonight is that sweet pussy juice. Or should I say Jew-ce. Brawhwhahw *burp*
Female Cop: Point Oh Eight. You’re a lightweight, and legally drunk, you’re coming with us. Please put that away Mr. Gibson.
Mel Gibson: What the fuck do you think you’re fucking looking at sugartits?
Female Cop: A very small penis.
Mel Gibson: That right here’s my lethal weapon.
Male Cop: You have the right to remain silent.
Mel Gibson: Let me tell your rights to you. You’re Jewish, you have no rights.
Male Cop: Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.
Mel Gibson: The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world. Especially the Crimean War. And the war on drugs. And the hip hop coast war.
Male Cop: You have the right to speak to an attorney, and to have an attorney present during any questioning.
Mel Gibson: I already have an attorney. He’s the only non-Jew lawyer in this state that I’m in right now.
Female Cop: California, Mr. Gibson, you’re in California.
Mel Gibson: Shut up bitch, before I slip my 4 inch Passion down your throat.
Male Cop: If you cannot afford a lawyer, one will be provided for you at government expense.
Mel Gibson: I own Malibu. Of course I can afford a lawyer.
Female Cop: Not when Apocalypto tanks, you won’t.
Mel Gibson: What did I tell you cunt? Shut up before I go Mad Max on your sugartit Jew Ass. *throws up* I demand to make a phone call. I want to call Klaus Barbie.

Writer’s Note: Were it not for my one fan, this entry idea would have been left unwritten. I at first planned to pass over (excuse the pun) this opportunity to make fun of Mel Gibson, but now have one person to thank, Heather….Locklear. Thanks for the support. -AC

Reflection on First Preseason Game

by Antichrist
1) Westbrook looked real nice. Eagles scored on their first drive.
2) We have a black punter, Reggie Hodges (middle). That's awesome. He's a backup, so I don't expect Randall Cunningham-like punts (91 yards, albeit in the wind tunnel that is the Meadowlands)
3) Jeff Garcia played shitty, far removed from his 49er days.
4) Mike Bartrum catching a pass evoked a: MIKE BARTRUM!? Him being an offensive weapon would humor me.
5) Koy Detmer's outing was shit. Garcia's was shit-ty. Detmer's - shit. He may not make the team as Akers' bitch, with Garcia around.
6) Our backup QB Timmy Chang holds the collegiate record for most interceptions thrown in a career. He unleashed his talent during the final drive, when the Eagles had a chance to win.
7) Chris Collingsworth needs to take that smirk of his face, he was a Bengal. I place him behind the Bengal in Life of Pi.
8) My generation will remember John Madden for the MadTV popcorn popper skit, and for his man-crush on Brett Favre.
9) The Eagles need to put stick-um on their hands.
10) There were commercials for a contest to bring an NFL player to school. I would pick Trotter.
11) Eagles lost 16-10. Raiders will suck this year.

The Bug

First let me ask you this, how do you handle a bug encounter? Some say, crush the fuckers, those people will go on to be serial killers, others say let it live but throw it outside, and still others say, wha what the fucks a bug. The other day I had a combination of all 3, I was lying in my bed, falling in and out of consciousness when suddenly using my peripherals, an apparently tiny ass bug was making its way slowly to the foot of my bed. I didn't even care but as it got further and further into my primary vision the bug was actually quite large, I started to stare at it wondering if the shit was real or just some strange sleep deprived fantasy. It was real, I was thinking let it go, but as it got further and further out of my sight I hopped up. Shit I thought, what can I kill this fucker with, I look around and spot the book “Killing Yourself To Live" no I thought I'm still reading it, and I know for damn sure I don't want bug gust splattered on page 97, cus that's the page I'd use. I look for another swatting utensil, the bible, oh wait shit, is that a sacrilege, then I start reciting bible passages, Zachariah 4:18 Thou shalt not take thy father's book and crush dem buggies up son, or (This guy's name was Jesus) Sirach 66:6 Respect all creatures especially arthropods, that's my personal favorite verse. In the meantime this bug is making it's way to the underside of my bed, then I found it, Mr. McFadden's 12th grade hamlet packet, thicker than the hobbit and return of the king put together, fuck you Guildenstern I cried as I swatted away missing on the first strike and hitting on the next 17. Good it's dead, the bug I had dubbed Guildenstern went out like a bit... suddenly it started moving again. This time I wasn't playing any games I quickly grabbed a machete then chopped down on Gildy wildly. After 6 strikes he stopped moving, good now I can cremate him. I put his carcass on the top of the machete and held my lighter up to him; suddenly Gildy jumped up and started wriggling around. I stood up quickly, and ran out of my room to the bathhouse (bathroom) as I like to call it. I dropped him in the toilet as I like to call it, and pushed the plunger as I like to call it, but wait I didn't see the large black mass of bug get sucked into the abyss. Gildy wasn't dead, he was probably clinging to the under rim of my toilet bowl, that's one gangsta ass bug. Upon writing this I see now that Gildy probably didn't deserve all the Vietnamese prisoner torture, but he did deserve the flush as I like to call it. People be careful next time you encounter a larger than average bug, otherwise you may feel the wrath of Gildy after he fully recovers from 7 years of flushing and taco shits.
-Minotaur Man

How to Successfully Boycott the Media

by AC
1) Throw away your television (for dramatic effect, trash it while you have the Chili Peppers song playing).
2) Kill Pat O’Brien.
3) Get rid of your radio. The only thing a radio is good for is getting tricked by Orson Welles.
4) Stay off of all websites except this blog.
5) Realize the irony.
6) Question the irony, then of your definition of irony.
7) Wonder if Alanis Morissette not putting any examples of irony in “Ironic” is a misinterpretation of the meaning, or a case of meta-irony.
8) Confirm the death of Pat O’Brien.
9) Go over to your friend’s house to watch Comedy Central, after you regret throwing away your TV.
10) Don’t watch any of the comedy news shows.
11) Fine, you can watch some Jon Stewart.

How to Successfully End the Boycott
1) Bring Pat O’Brien back to life by setting up a three-way celebrity relationship. The demand for a catchy nickname will shake him from the grave.
2) Get a cheap tv from a junkie like Sam Jackson from Jungle Fever or Jared Leto from Requiem for a Dream.
3) Join the rebel forces in an attack against an evil (well more evil) resurrected Pat O’Brien.

The Battle of Bunker Hill Report

…written by a kid who found his info online. - AC
The Battle of Bunker Hill was the first battle to employ the use of monkey robots. The revolutionaries had ROBOT monkeys instead of the MONKEY robots that the Brits had, so the revolutionaries lost. But not before they went ape shit and killed 1,000 Brits.

The monkey robots had bright red eyes, until they were ready to attack. Their attack was to shoot missiles out of their eyes and mouth. When the missiles shot out, their eyes would turn black. However after the missiles had been deployed, their eyes would turn white, and they would be momentarily defenseless. This is where the phrase “Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes” was coined.

The hero of the battle was Congo the monkey. He was a real monkey fighting with an army of robots. He saw a lot of renegade robots who would steal things from houses (robotic bananas) and have sex with the prostitutes that would give the monkey robots, sucky sucky. There was one monkey robot ARC-24601 who redeemed himself by giving real bananas back to the houses. But he would hit the people with the bananas, and this went against the first law of monkey robotics, that a monkey robot cannot harm a human, or through inaction, allow a human to come to harm. The British almost lost thanks to Congo, since he used to be French, but now he’s a Republic, so he voted for a higher war budget, and they won.

Reading Between The Lines

by AC
Lance Bass was holding back a big secret, that he finally flat-out stated, he’s gay. Some people were shocked, but others (like myself) saw it coming. How did I know? He subtly hinted at it in his song lyrics. I’m going to decipher some of his lyrics, so you can see what I’m talking about:

The lyric: It's gonna be me
What he really means: I’m the gay member of the group.

The lyric: On the line for your love / There's nothing / I want more
What he really means: I prefer ass crack to pussy

The lyric: I'm laying it / On the line to show you
What he really means: I’ve pulled out my penis, to show you the goods, as it were

The lyric: When you smile / I feel my heart open
What he really means: I use the phrase “my heart” as slang for my asshole

The lyric: After everything / My heart's been through / I treasure, every moment / I spend with you
What he really means: I still like you after you’ve anally penetrated me

The lyric: For me to feel this way / Is something new
What he really means: You’re the first black guy I’ve been with

The lyric: I turned around and / You were there
What he really means: You snuck up and did a quick in-and-out

The lyric: If you tell me / What you need / I can get you / What you're asking for
What he really means: I also slang rock

Young S.O.A.P. Fan

by Antichrist
-Billy, stay away from that snake in the yard.
C’mon mom, I wanna play Snakes on a Plane with Rover.
-You better leave those snake shenanigans to Stan Jackson.
Sam Jackson.
-Whatever. I don’t care what his name is.
Dumb bitch.
-What did you just call me?
I said…tongue…twitch. My tongue twitched, I wasn’t calling you anything.
-Aghhh, the snake bit my neck.
-More importantly, you let it get into the house.
-Now it’s your responsibility to GET IT OUT!
Alright! Let’s go Rover, and get this mother fucking snake for mom.
-What did you just say?
I said….Tub Thumping is a bumpin song. That old Chumbawamba song, it’s good.
-No time for 90’s music, go find that snake.
C’mon boy, we’ll find him. Okay, I’ll be Samuel L. Jackson, and you can be Kenan Thompson.
+Rawrf? RAWRF RAWRF
Okay, we can both be Samuel L Jackson.
+Rawrf

20 minutes later
-Billy, you and your dog have been trashing the house long enough.
-I’m going to call someone. And why do you have my umbrella?
It’s my light saber. You can’t fight snakes without a light saber.
-Give me that.
Mom, snake!
-Aghhh, it bit the other side of my neck. Did you let the dog out?
-Because you know how…Uncle…Toby…Doctor…Who….CLUNK
C’mon Rover, lets play Snakes on a Plane a little longer

My First Word

My First Word by Antichrist
I've been thinking about special firsts lately, and one that most people can relate to is their very first word. I guess the only people who are unable to relate would be those who don't trust their parents, or were raised by wolves. In the latter case, the person would have yet to speak their first word, unless you count Ahwooooo as a word (a Warren Zevon endorsed philosophy). Anyway, my first word was "Turtle." At the time, I probably neither capitalized, nor used quotes. Also my "r" may have been weaker than the Nazi-like yell I use when pronouncing the word now. Hey, wouldn't it be weird if my first word, turtle, ended up being my last

Wow turtle was his first word, that is so gay. This kid has a blog, wow. I'm not usually an assassin. I'm actually the star in an off Brodway production of the Alice in Wonderland porn. Really it's less of a Brodway production, and more of an actual porn. I'll finish this dead kid's blog for him. My first word was wowwipop. I still can't pronounce it right. Waw-we-pop. Nah. It'd be crazy if my first word was the same as my

Those two dead guys have the same sentence structure, strange. My first word was poopie. I know for a fact that won't be my last word. Caus if I shit my pants before I die I'll say, "Fuck I shit my pants" I wouldn't say poopie. So it wouldn't be my last word.

What? Just because these two guys died while they were typing. Fuck I shit my pants.

Sorry I'm late. Multiple gunmen after the same guy. This shit doesn't make any

Pig Munstahs

First off, fuck pig munstahs (monsters), they suck, if you see one spit in its face and act like your eating bacon, which should really fry its bacon. This picture looks as if the pig munstah went down to a local mall and got some glamour shots for 5 bucks. How would a pig munstah go about getting to the mall, would it drive a car, if so what kind car would it have... most likely a red geo. My best guess is he took the bus, it wouldn't be so outlandish, I have seen uglier people on there, like this one time there was this kid that looked exactly like Freddy Kruger, and his friend next to him looked like a fucking witch, it was on Halloween if I can remember correctly, I stole their candy, and by candy I mean cocaine, naturally. Anyway back to the picture, I noticed there's a signature on it probably the pig munstahs full name, but those mother fuckers don't deserve full names, they're all pig munstahs to me. Just a heads up to any pig munstahs out there, don't talk to me don't even look at me, matter of fact just drop dead pig munstahs, drop dead.
-Minotaur Man

I'd hate for these to be the first pictures I post of Carl and I, but oh well, here's us doing an impression of a pig munstah.