Wednesday, April 25, 2007


So I recently found out my luck is shit. I have officially been expelled from college, Whoopididoo! Fuck it , my dreams of one day being the first man to land on uranus, and makeing the first faux paus joke about it being gasious and full of alien lifeforms has been crushed. I know I'm taking this rather light, but this is supossed to be a blog of humorous proportions. So, where do I see myself in the next 5 years, CASTODIAN fool, and yabba zabba will be my only friend, for all you half baked fans out there. On a happier note, I was able to have sex for 2 hours, a record for me as of late. I acomplished this by, naturally, thinking about baseball, but that didn't help, God damn that Sammy Sosa and that sweet ass of his. I switched from baseball to the Austin Powers method, Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day, but that only reinforced my granny fetish. Then I came, fucking Margaret Thatcher and her, come to think of it I don't really know who she is, but fuck her anyway, oh and I would. Yes my expulsion has put a damper on just about everything for me as of late, but I went out like a true badass. My last words were of course, "Fuck Penn State, and fuck you too" after stating this I walked through a garden and trampled some plants, fucka chlorophyll. As Ed Norton would say, I wanted to destroy something beautiful, and I did, but the plants couldn't really fight back. So this one goes out to all my homies for being there when I needed you. It was all over some weed too, 1.2 grams to be exact, or as the police described it "A vegtable like substance," hey genious if it looks like weed, and smells like weed, it's fucking weed. This last request goes out to our singular overobsessed fan, if you should happen to come across a police officer with the last name Gelgot, fuking stab him in the jugular, then rape his dog, it's a simple request, oh and send pictures.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Bills Rap

Written in class, and with class

You let analysis cause paralysis
Diddy told your he mastered this
I'll cast your wrist
Cut up your D like Steve Tasker did
Or Lorena Bobbit
Who went crazy when she read the Hobbit
And did some violent shit like Wallace & Gromit
Breaking through the line like Thurman Thomas
On a split belly
Juking out defenders, the hand-off from Jim Kelly
Hook up more collabs than Ghost and Trife
Known to score more than Moulds and Price
Slash up your crew, you know I'm right
How I'm like OJ, I hold the knife

Every minute I try to slay thee
Ghosts that tear my confidence,
Like the knee of McGahee
Your records - I'll top them
With the pinpoint accuracy of JP Losman
And the speed of Bledsoe
Careers dead though
He led those, boys to the cemetery
But not until they fumbled at the hands of Travis Henry

P.S.: Bills Suck

Wednesday, April 11, 2007


This evening I waited in an unmarked line with my concert roll dog (who will be mentioned in this post by his nickname Broseph) for a $2 TV on the Radio concert. After a tongue-in-cheek conversation about if my polo shirt was "scene," we noticed a guy giving the traditional "I need one ticket" hand gesture.

I immediately thought that he was making an ironic statement. It was quite clever that he was referencing buying a scalped ticket, when tickets were available to everyone. Frodoseph humored me about my ironic statement acknowledgment, and said he must be a non-student that needs a ticket.

After more line waiting small talk, NoDozseph saw people with tickets in their hands. I asked a female staff member where to get tickets. The show was sold out, she says, but that I could always bribe someone. I say "Sexually bribe someone, yea that was going to be my next plan" or something to that effect.

Warning: Skip the following part if all that you want is to enjoy a story about me not going to a concert!

Moral of the story: Overthinking that the guy was making an ironic statement cost me precious time that I could have been spending not waiting in line. However, without it I would not be writing this blog post. Although, writing this blog post about overthinking is costing me precious sleeping time.

Recap: Overthinking led to wasted time in line which led to time wasting writing a blog. I'll probably write up a more complex equation tonight about how much time was wasted.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Comic Look-Alike

The resemblance is striking between your favorite blogger, and J. Jonah Jameson of Spider Man fame.
I was in the street, celebrating the Gators men's basketball championship with "Instant Champions
Just Add Gatorade" on my chest. Actually, if you're a stickler: Instant Champions was on pectoralis major, and Just Add Gatorade was on my rectus abdominus.
J. Jonah Jameson was most likely yelling at Peter Parker.

PS: I've changed the post title from Separated At Birth? to what you see now. This was done after I realized I don't want the blog sounding like Access Hollywood. Also an old man wouldn't be my twin.

Monday, April 09, 2007

Guide To Apologizing For Racial Comments

by Antichrist

1) Say how you have black friends.

2) Apologize to Al Sharpton.

3) Don't try to explain what you meant when you said Barack Obama was the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy, or that the Rutgers women's basketball team are nappy-headed hos. This will only get you into more trouble.

4) Do not make an appearance at Jesse Jackson's protest of you.

5) Apologize until you fade into obscurity.

6) Don't appear drunk in public, or go on stage the Laugh Factory and make the same mistakes.

7) Revive your career only after Dennis Miller has deemed you completely obscure by referencing you in his stand-up.

Sunday, April 08, 2007

Space Creature Gives Immigrants Advice

This is an interactive blog post. Begin by putting your thumb over the eyes, nose, and mouth of "Senator Kennedy."

For last week's National Hispanic Christian Leadership Conference, president Sam Rodriguez invited a special guest to speak about illegal immigration. He was Zev Aberdonia, a member of the Phased Tritons Of The Forgotten Sphere. In a two hour, intimate speech, in which he took the form of Ted Kennedy, several topics were discussed.

The message was clear: immigrants should no longer be kept in the shadows of the world. Dr. Aberdonia cited the US handling of the first planetary visit of the Phased Tritons Of The Forgotten Sphere, when government officials shot down one of the spacecrafts, and promptly denied the existence of his Triton race.

Surprisingly, Dr. Aberdonia was very critical of the conference members' "secret plan" to become recognized as citizens. He compared that complex plan to the simple use of a gamma-ray gun that the Phased Tritons Of The Forgotten Sphere plan to use on the world.

Conference member Estelinda Soto said that the alien's form of Ted Kennedy was very calming to her. "I really related to his story. When he read from the book of Kaptar, about how you should treat every Zyxel how you want to be treated, I was bawling," Ms. Soto said. "He didn't give any advice to us, but it was nice. Anyway, I only came for the free chimichangas."

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Starring EinsTein PaRkEr!; ,;,;.

Dick Winder: Hello there, LiSteRiners?

Dick Wind: I was born a PoOR, blAck man.
Dick Wind: Patches was My Name-O:P,?

D-Wind: Dick Winder is my slaVEr NamE-O, Little Weeby,
D-Wind: D-Wind is by Black Name, Goobeck!

DW: (I'm not to be confused with PBS's Arthur's little sister, DW!
"""": bitch :UB?

I gotta take a trip with my asshole-made-off-sand.
Did you hear that JimiiE!
You spelt of wrong you off-kilter Scottish dumbass!

You'Re a funky snatch, Hilary. (remind me to high-five you later, Bill. That Monica Lewinsky was pretty banging with Hot Sauce (The Gone-E-Pee-Nash), but remember when you stuck your DW into her Anal B-Nash (Bridges) and had you'Re ballZ in her V-snatch (Guy Ritchie).

But, Remember when you recieved Mary Carey first governatic Lap Dance!!! You whirled in to her analhara dessert! YOu gave it to her and it was the first time that your slim-Jim came out spicer than when it came in! Oh I am lamenting. Why did Mary Carey have to be Meagan Harris? She's got a snatch that's spicer than thai-hot red curry! Now that's a Spice Girl: Baby, Ginger, Scary, Sporty and Posh! You fat bitches... AnyWay:R:.,S!

Jack Keroack ain't got nothing from me Jack Hole Productions, etc.
On the road by Jack KEroack/ or/ Tube-ties on the go by Kair-ee, or Keenan and Kel-ree? (KKK, As Brandon hui predicted, volcano boy!)

NE ways. How many of you ladyiees ugs (drunk ladybugs)
Consider yourselfs chubby?
haha. Funny word that chubby. THe bJ machiNe gave me MAD CHUBBIES!
THat's what you're bitches gangs gonna be named: The MAD CHUBBIES (formally known as fat housewives)

Whoop-dee-Whoop, Nigga What?!?
I'm out Shelby Craig, BunTCaKe!

YOur's Trulley.


Einstein Parker, esq.