Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Duck, Duck, Goose Gossage

by Antichrist

Jois: Did you ever play Duck, Duck, Goose Gossage when you were little?

Tom: You mean Duck, Duck, Goose?

Jois: NO! That's what we used to play, until Goose Gossage came to our school. He did a nationwide tour, didn't he stop at your school?

Tom: No, what did he say?

Jois: He pitched us his book The Goose is Loose, and told us to play Duck, Duck, Goose Gossage instead of what we we're playing.

Tom: He should have his own line of vodka.

Jois: He doesn't drink. Goose Goosage recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Tom: So what's different about Duck, Duck, Goose Gossage?

Jois: Instead of running after people you get a ball and have to get three people out. And you've never played that?

Tom: No, I played Duck, Duck, Rollie Fingers.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

High Brow / Low Brow Activity Tally

by The Count of Antichristo

High Brow
  1. Donated to cancer research
  2. Got two foreign movies (Jean-Luc Godard's Contempt and Jean-Pierre Melville's Le Cercle Rouge) and a book (Nabokov's The Eye) from the library
  3. Read the Times
  4. Admired a socially conscious wall constructed on campus

Low Brow

  1. Made a joke about The Big Bopper
  2. Read USA Today
  3. Laughed at the brick in the wall that said "Cum Dumpster"
  4. Played Wario Ware: Smooth Moves on the Wii

Monday, January 29, 2007

Baraka To Run For President

In a surprise decision this week, Mortal Kombat character Baraka, has thrown himself into the pit of Democratic nomination hopefuls. The unforgiving Tarkatan warrior (full name Baraka Bama) could be the first President to be a five star general since Eisenhower.

Baraka has also garnered some interest from the Religious Right. He exhibits an undying loyalty to his "master," and is not keeping it in the shadows. His religious opposition comes mainly from the Shaolin Monks, after Mr. Bama orchestrated an attack on the Shaolin Temple of Light.

Due to increase popularity with Netherealm demons, some wonder if he is fully Tarkatan enough, due to his Outworld ancestry. However it is hard to deny his unique features: a long face, sharp teeth, and blades coming out from his arms.

While Baraka has not fully revealed all of his platform, some of his morals have been put into question. For one his marital status raises a slew of issues. Since he currently has a queen, Mileena, will he push to establish a monarchy? Also to make matters even more complicated, Mileena is a clone, which brings in ethical problems.

Mr. Bama's plan for the war in Iraq seems to be predictable. He lacks a moving move, so will not quickly put forth an exit strategy. However, it is probable that he will change the amount of troops in the order of: up, down, down, up.

In closing, if Baraka Bama can dispell the notions that he is an inexperienced low-tier contender, expect him to shred the competition.

Friday, January 26, 2007

Lost Art: Net Hopping

by Antichrist


In today's world of fist pumping and stationary jumping, tennis players no longer bound over the net to shake the hand of their defeated foe. Does it come off as being a poor sport?

I say jumping over the net is the third, no the fourth coolest thing you can do while playing tennis.

1) Going over the net Hulk Hogan style

2) Making out with a ball girl during a point

3) Hitting the ball between your legs

4) Jumping over the net

Falling on your face while trying to net-hop is the most embarrassing thing you can do while playing tennis.

1) Face flop

2) Losing to Anna Kournikova

3) Getting your endorsement deal with Puma dropped

4) Hitting yourself with the racket

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Dorm Law #11 - Myspace / Facebook

If someone leaves their Myspace or Facebook account signed onto your computer, you have the right to edit their information as you see fit.

The more creative the editing the better, you can change their listed sexual orientation, leave comments on other people's wall, or something more extreme like deleting their friends.

You can leave your account signed onto your own computer, because that is just time efficient.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Unabomber Journal Entry

by Antichrist

"Mr. Kaczynski, 64, is in a legal battle... over the future of the handwritten papers, which include journals, diaries and drafts of his anti-technology manifesto."

An Antimino exclusive: Excerpts From Ted Kaczynski's Journal

March 3, 1990
Leftist Propaganda

We have determined that this monstrosity doesn't fulfill the power process. I defy you to find something more meaningless than a latex dong strapped to your chin. We already feel that an excessive amount of sex doesn't fill any biological necessity, this is only forwarding that mindset.

Man will one day look back on the Accomodator as a technological advancement by the government to keep down population, as well as dividing the world. Users and non-users will not be able to cooperate, and humans will have less power than humanity as a whole. The Freedom Club will not stand for this disaster for the human race.

August 27, 2006
Jailtime Salvation

I take back everything we said about the Accomodator. Time passes so quickly now that someone sent us this in a package.

I admit I had never tried it when I first condemned this latex masterpiece. I've had it for a couple months and my roommate and I get along so much better now. Ahh, I'm so happy, and I thought of a tagline if the makers let me endorse the product:

The Accommodator is The Bomb-inator!

Monday, January 22, 2007

Whodunit: Mayor's Murder

by Antichrist

After the mayor of the Spanish village of Fago was found dead in a ditch (shot at least four times in the head and chest at point-blank range), the entire village, with a population of 37, is a suspect.

Mayor Miguel Grima was hated by everyone (think Carrot Top), and here at the Antichrist & Minotaur Man blog, we have provided you with the list of the most realistic suspects. Faithful readers, do your part to help the Fagonians, and pick out the killer(s).

Roberto Nacio - This 7'1" man dreamed of playing in the NBA, or the Spanish equivalent. Mayor Grima however banned basketball from the only flat land in the village. With the mayor gone, Mr. Nacio could pursue his hoop dreams, instead of being constantly asked why he doesn't play center for the Knicks, or the Spanish equivalent Las Bragas.

Javier Victorino - One of the hunters who was refused a license by Mayor Grima. This may have prevented him from killing the mayor even earlier.

Selina Gracia - After the mayor banned home improvement, Mrs. Gracia could no longer nag her husband to fix the rat hole in the wall.

Marco Vidal - The village's oldest inhabitant lost his favorite hang out spot after the mayor closed down the bed and breakfast because it rivaled his own Grima House.

Leticia Ramona - The mayor put a large tax on outdoor tables of the village's only bar. Ms. Ramona, the international beirut player, was forced indoors where Roberto Nacio's advances disrupted her games.

Friday, January 19, 2007

100th Post Extravaganza: Sam & Carl Show Volume 1

Here is a compilation of sketches Carl and I did, it is some of our earlier attempts at comedy. The show holds a special place in my heart, and I hope you enjoy. If the video doesn't workuse this link.
Sam and Carl Show!

Monday, January 08, 2007

In My Free Time

100th Post Coming Soon

I’ve had a lot of free time lately, being as the first semester is over and all. Now you might be asking yourself “Then why, Minotaur Man, haven’t you posted more in the blog,” or you might be asking yourself “There’s a Minotaur Man now, when the fuck did this happen!” Well there is a Minotaur who’s supposed to be contributing around here, but he’s a lazy fat stupid Minotaur. Now concerning me, I have had a severe lack of ideas in the past month or two, or three, so my free time online was spent, of course, on pornography. The online porn world is a strange and sticky place, I think I’ve seen a BJ in almost every possible setting, even on my back once. In my search for inspiration, I smoked so much doobage that I had to grip the floor to stop myself from flying away. Upon smoking much doobage I climbed
Mt. Vesuvius in search of my ancestry, but it’s a fucking volcano, it might have been Mt. San Bruno though I don’t remember I was really stoned at the time, cus of the doobage of course. I sat down in the grass and watched the sun set, then suddenly from the grave rose Bob Dylan, wait Bob Dylan isn’t dead, now I remember it was Tom Dylan, Bob’s younger, dead, less successful, long lost, folk singing, additional adjective, younger brother. Anyway he sang Mr. Tambourine man and lulled me to sleep, then the bastard took my wallet, but he did leave me with this, my shoes, and just my shoes. So now I was naked and being naked reminded me of porn, and that’s how I got the idea for this post, so bam right back where we started.

-Minotaur Man

Friday, January 05, 2007

Why I Blog

by Antichrist
Do I blog for therapy? No. Ironically the writer's block that I get may drive me crazy enough to need therapy. Okay, you don't have to be crazy to go to therapy, it can be maintenance. Maybe I'll go and see if the therapist has any good blog ideas.

My main reason for avoiding therapy is that my love life will come up in conversation, and after explaining my sexual escapades in great detail, I'll find out that the therapist is the girl's mom.

That reason for avoiding therapy is nullified by the lie about a love life. Also by referencing the movie Prime. Which is not about prime numbers (if that's your thing, see The Cube), but about the above scenario, albeit skewed to include myself.

Okay, back to why I blog. The second highest percentage would have been my pick. I blog to give my friends something funny to read, and with the personal posts (rare) tell people I haven't seen in a while (Minotaur Man), what I'm up to.

The poll doesn't list the original purpose for a web-log, which is to be an online journal. I don't blog to improve my writing skill. I tried that with the idea of having a Patchwork Novel, early in life of this blog. Some douche bag posted a negative comment, and that killed my confidence in the idea. Ohh, that's good for blog-based therapy.

Do I blog for fame or notoriety? If it comes, it comes. However I'm not even to the place where I get the opportunity to suck a few dicks at a bus stop outside of a magazine office to get an article about the blog. I'm at the place where I would have to suck a few dicks to get the money to put an ad out in the Cold Mountain Review of Appalachian State University.

Why do you blog?

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Antichrist & Minotaur Man Blog News

Greeting valued visitors,

It's an exciting time to be a fan of the site. Our 100th post is coming up soon, so get pumped for that. Also the blog's been featured on some different sites, with good things to say.

Minotaur Man's Units In The Ocean was selected among the Best in Show at Dr. Blogstein's Funniest Posts of 2006 Blog Carnival.

"Admittedly, I had never heard of the blog "Antichrist & Minotaur Man" before I started doing this Carnival but now that I've discovered it, I'll have to return some more. This guy is funny."

While the current homepage may not best reflect the complete blog (with the comics and a top ten list), I submitted this site to Blogger's background and features didn't help our score, but the grader gave some nice comments. See the complete anaylsis Here.

"From the title you might assume that this blog would be pretty dark. On the contrary it is actually a very funny blog with lots of crude and politically incorrect jokes."

"Reading Enjoyment - 9
A really funny blog to read. College life and college humour here. Even the personal posts are usually humorous in nature."

Critique My Blog had this to say:

Despite the crazy and a little offensive title...the blog is actually pretty good. It's for the most part good clean fun and parts of the blog keep your attention...Not a bad job and worth a look for sure.

Lastly, I found a site that estimates the worth of your blog.

My blog is worth $2,258.16.
How much is your blog worth?


Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Online Comics

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

The Tunnel of Love

Overweight woman gets stuck in tunnel and traps 22 tourists

My imagination took over when I read the headline. I immediately thought that a fat lady went into a cave and took people hostage. Maybe because I watched The Negotiator a couple nights ago. I guess you can't get out the way you came in The Tunnel of Love. That's weirdly poetic. In other terms, if the tunnel was Mario Kart, you couldn't race the track in reverse.

The story wasn't as funny without a devious plot, but the article did say that the rescuers gave chocolate bars to the tourists. It didn't say that they gave any to the trapped fat woman. She was probably unhappy about that, but it wouldn't help her get unstuck. Mainly because, and allow me to use an analogy,

Fat Lady : Chocolate :: Popeye : Spinach.

I'm probably losing half of my blog audience, so why not go for the other half, sexual deviants.

Mannequin fetishist could get life

This 39 year old guy, Ronald Dotson, smashes the windows to get the mannequins he desires, and I'm assuming fucks them without a rubber. Because as we all know you don't need one, if that's what their vagina is made out of. That's assuming that they were rubber mannequins, and not plastic ones, which don't have as much give. Also plastic mannequins are known to spout these out:

And the worst thing is you can't get an abortion because plastic surgeons aren't licensed to give them.

My favorite part of the story was that they found "him in an alley behind a woman's store with three lingerie-clad mannequins." These are three nice girls all with jobs, why can't you just take them home and show them a good time. If he treats them like real women, the police should lock him up for rape. [/Colbertian tongue in cheek line]

He'll probably regret it all while he's spending the jail time. Maybe he's on some Mr. Magoo shit and he thought they were humans. That's a storyline that I guarantee was thrown out during a writer's meeting.

To not offend anyone and retain readers: I'm sure all of the overweight woman's hostage demands were met, and Victoria's Secret has hot mannequins.


Monday, January 01, 2007

Antichrist's Warning of the Week: Crazy Statues

This is indeed a crazy statue, and should only be put to use by a guy who a) wants to show his significant other that not only is he disinterested in having kids, but they are a force that are to be fended off, preferably naked or b) wants to freak out his neighbors.
A woman could have this statue if a) she's a feminist who thinks that the statue displays a common hobby of men or b) she's turned on by it.

For everyone else, having this statue would get you confused with crazy ass Gary Busey, and prompt the question: Where's the matching totem pole that you constructed after you saw a patch of berries and thought that eating all the berries would be nourishment from the earth?

If you're rich enough to have a statue built in your likeness, it's even more tempting to make it a crazy statue. Instead of a statue of you standing upright, it is much more enticing to have you fighting the Viet Cong with a broken Samurai sword, or giving a blowjob to Napoleon.

A Crazy Girls statue is alright, however it quickly attracts horny old men.

What's your interpretation of the meaning of the Baby Fighter statue?