Sunday, December 31, 2006

A Post To Insure...

That I start off next year with a better blog entry

Who is Snarf's favorite baseball player?

DeLion-O DeShields

Happy New Year!

Post a corny joke.

Saturday, December 30, 2006

Antichrist's Top Ten Movies of 2006

1) Snakes on a Plane
2) The Departed
3) Jackass: Number Two
4) The Prestige
5) Borat
6) Lucky Number Slevin
7) Casino Royale
8) Rocky Balboa
9) 16 Blocks
10) Grandma’s Boy

What was your favorite movie of 2006?

Friday, December 29, 2006

Rocky Balboa

by Antichrist
After Rocky V left the character as a crazy street fighter, on some Blanka shit, Rocky Balboa brought the Italian Stallion back to respectability. I saw the movie today with my pops, and I liked it better than IV and V. The thing that I can't get past about Rocky IV is the stupid talking robot.

Unfortunately, Paulie (Rocky's brother-in-law) reprised his role in the latest film. Also unfortunate is that they didn't kill him off to give me joy. Paulie's one of my most hated cinematic characters. He's so inept and annoyingly drunk.

The fight sequence was pieced together well. The fight had a Celebrity Boxing since Sly's aged. The training was cool. The funniest training montage is Rocky IV, where they show the Russian Ivan Drago using exercise machines with blinking computers and then cut to Rocky doing a ghetto version of the same exercise. My favorite montages are in Rocky III: the beginning of the movie where they keep cutting to an angry Clubber Lang (Mr. T) and the montage of Apollo training Rocky.

In impulsive Christmas money spending fashion, I bought an Apollo Creed shirt online.

Who's your favorite Rocky opponent?
Apollo Creed - The Man
Clubber Lang - Crazy Mofo
Thunderlips - Hulk Hogan
Ivan Drago - My Russian Brethren, But Ruthless Killer
Tommy Gunn - Wack
Mason Dixon - Modern Fighter Persona

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Conversations With Minotaur Man

That We've Been Having For Years (And That All Progress The Same Way)
by Antichrist

Antichrist: I don't have any money though.
Minotaur Man: Why don't you donate your sperm.
Antichrist: I couldn't do that. Because I couldn't have my child being brought into the world without being a part of his or her life.
Minotaur Man: Dude, I was only kidding.
Antichrist: Could you do it? They pay well.

Antichrist: Do you think that he's smart, but he's just keeping it to himself. Like deep down he could be brilliant.
Minotaur Man: No dude, he's a dumbass.
Antichrist: I know, but what if he's smart.
Minotaur Man: Carl, he's a dumbass.
Antichrist: Okay.

Antichrist: What about The Silence Is Deafening?
Minotaur Man: That doesn't make any sense.
Antichrist: Like the silence. It can be deafening.

Person 1: How hot was that hot sauce?
Person 2: Soo hot, dude.
Person 3: Needlessly hot.

Person 1: I seen (enter hoebag's name) yesterday.
Person 2: How's she looking dude?
Person 1: She's looking good man.
Person 2: Don't tell me these things.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Searching For A Flavor

by Antichrist
Jois: You have to agree though that Taco Bell is the best restaurant.

Tom: Even with that E. coli thing?

Jois: You're gonna think I'm crazy but during that week, Taco Bell was putting out some of the best food that I've ever eaten there.

Tom: Yea, probably because somebody actually made them clean the place.

Jois: Now you know my girl Ashley used to work there.

Tom: She was a slut, and sluts like it dirty.

Jois: All Ashleys are sluts though.

Tom: The proper term is Ashli.

Jois: Whatever. Yo, dude I think I realize what made the tacos taste so good.

Tom: What?

Jois: The E. coli, man. It gave it an extra tang or something.

Tom: Tang? That doesn't make any sense.

Jois: You're right, it was more of a zest.

Tom: So what are you gonna do, get it in your food?

Jois: Yea, how do I do that?

Tom: Shit where you eat.

Jois: No Tom. No! Ben Franklin told me not to shit where I eat.

Tom: The fuck are you talking about?

Jois: Wasn't that one of his haikus?

Tom: Proverbs.

Jois: In Little Richard's?

Tom: Poor Richard's.

Jois: Alma Mater?

Tom: Almanac. Did you really think it was Little Richard's Alma Mater?

Jois: No, I know it's Oakwood Theological College in Huntsville, Alabama.

Tom: All I have to say to that is: Tutti Frutti, Good Booty.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Antichrist's Top Ten Albums of 2006

1) Red Hot Chili Peppers - Stadium Arcadium
2) Gnarls Barkley - St. Elsewhere
3) Robert Randolph & The Family Band - Colorblind
4) The Roots - Game Theory
5) John Mayer - Continuum
6) Snoop Dogg - Tha Blue Carpet Treatment
7) Jay-Z - Kingdom Come
8) John Legend - Once Again
9) Vakill - Worst Fears Confirmed
10) Busta Rhymes - The Big Bang

Honorable Mention: Albumen (Egg White)

What was your favorite album of the year?

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Barney Goes To Southeast Junior High School

School Bans Hugging

by Antichrist

Principal Deb Wretman: Well I was told I would have a special visitor today, and the name Carey Stinson didn't ring any bells. Nice to meet you Barney, I mean Mr. Stinson. Ha ha, it's hard not to call you Barney when you're wearing the suit.

Barney: Golly Ms. Wretman I want to get down to business. You fuckin took away the kids' right to hug each other.

Principal: That was a decision that stemmed from girls creating traffic in the hallways. The average hug is between three to five seconds. The dynamics of the act can be sustained...

Barney: Don't give me this scientific bullshit. For all you know, I invented the hug.

Principal: Mr. Stinson, please calm down.

Barney: I'm calmer than you are, dude.

Principal: Will you just take it easy?

Barney: Calmer than you are.

Principal: I appreciate all that you've done for kids, but...Close the door Howard. This stays in this room. It's more than just the hallway traffic with hugs.

Barney: Oh?

Principal: We really just don't want to ship out girls with lick-her licenses. We are in Iowa.

Barney: Now that ain't right. Sharing is caring bitch.

Principal: What? I don't see how that applies.

Barney: It's not right that you had sexual undertones in your decision.

Principal: Coming from a guy who had a sidekick named B.J.

Barney: You leave Superhead out of this...I mean BJ the dinosaur.

Principal: Show me what you got baby.

Barney: Bitch I should tear this place down, and leave you as Barney's Rubble.

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Dinner Prep

Are you still coming over for dinner tonight? Cool, my family's a little weird, don't be freaked out.

Well, they don't use forks. There's none in the house. They read online somewhere about Satan's pitchfork, so they think using a fork symbolizes a reliance on the devil.

Yea, we celebrate Halloween, why? Oh, they haven't found anything online about that.

So other than that, I think you're ready to meet them. We have plenty of spoons and a big collection of knives.

I suppose that is ironic. My family has a nice gun collection too.

How do you prep someone for meeting people you know?

Friday, December 22, 2006

Hey Ma, Where'd You Used To Hide My Presents?

I've been thinking lately about the house I grew up in, where did you used to stash my Christmas presents?

The last place I'd look? Ma, the last place I would look is LaGaurdia Airport. C'mon.

The linen closet? I had that on lock, nothing was going in or out of that on my watch.

You waited until Christmas Eve didn't you. Well, all that searching back then wasn't useless, I found some of my old toys.

This post has been submitted for The Bestest Blog Carnival. To get some comments going: Did you try to find your presents before Christmas? Where were they hidden?

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Antichrist Confronts: His Body Dysmorphia

Antichrist: You best be gone body dysmorphia. Go on, shoo. You're starting to get to me.

Body Dysmorphia: I'm here for good in this shit. Man up, little nigga.

Antichrist: C'mon, you know I'm not little. I try to work out everyday.

Body Dysmorphia: That's right you skinny bitch, you try, and fail everytime. Ehh-HAA. Count it, like the census.

Antichrist: Shut up you orange fuck.

Body Dysmorphia: I'm in ya head now, punk bitch. Oh shit, I gotta take this call. It's ya moms, she wants to know if you can come home before dinner. She's gotta use your pecs as a cutting board. Ehh-HAA. Count it like a scoreboard in this shit.

Antichrist: I should crush you.

Body Dysmorphia: Them titties flatter than the high school bitches you fuck with. Ehh-HAA. Count it like calories, skinny prick.

Antichrist: That is funny.

Body Dysmorphia: See little nigga, you need me.

Antichrist: I can't quit you, body dysmorphia.

Winner: Body Dysmorphia

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

First Semester Pics Volume 1

First Semester Pics Volume 1

I thought about the title for about 2 seconds.

Here’s one thing everyone should avoid, taking compromising photos, after all they could end up on someone’s blog who peddles smut and advocates gay military. Here’s a little background on this photo, Irish (on the right) is caught in a compromising photo by no fault of his own. Elle (on the left) possibly inebriated is coming on strong, Irish being the perfect gentleman has absolutely no idea what to do.

While at college for your first semester please make sure to be careful of the flesh eating zombie armies that spring up throughout the year and try to eat your brains (this message applies as void for all those in the state of New Hampshire).

College provides the perfect envir

onment to try new hairstyles such as this blow out type hairstyle. I had been up all night contemplating the importance of continuity editing in cinema, and I was considering making a film with all discontinuity then I remembered it already has been done (some Salvador Dali movie that has a scene similar to Hostel). Spiking your hair up like this actually shows you how much of a hippie you’ve become at College.

Yoda will krill, always!

Sexual innuendoes such as this one seem to pop up overnight. It’s strange sometimes to wake up and see a joke just sitting around the house then you notice the cleverness of it, even though this joke becomes immediately obvious once you know what the blue bottles say. It’s sometimes good to see a joke like this, instead of finding a giant penis drawn on your collar when you inspect your uniform in the morning, I am of course referring to a high school incident.

The sign says "Is This A Penis Joke?" and the small print says "Because if it is, then that really chaps my ass.

The bottles say Bawls, or balls, get it blue balls, and to think we put these things in our mouth.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Is That Your Identity?

I watched the game show Identity today. It's like Deal or No Deal with less blind guessing, and more social profiling. You have to guess the jobs of people by looking at them. Penn Jillette says the above catchphrase while thrusting the shocker at the person. Thanks to winter break, my dormmates won't get harrassed by the following: What's your job back home? (mark: cockfiend) So cockfiend. Is...That..Your...Identity?

The contestant was a little Filipino dude who jumped around, and pounded his chest (a la me playing Mario Pary drunk). I think I would drink before this game show if I was on it. Jeopardy, no. Wheel of Fortune, yes. I've always wanted to pass out on the wheel and hit on Vanna White. Obviously it would not be possible in that order. Although drunk, I could not come up with "I've been eyeing you Before & After the show, and I think we should have the Same Name."

A shot or two would loosen me up to play Identity. One effect is that I wouldn't let stereotypes hold me back. If the job is accountant, I won't feel guilty about picking the Jewish guy (don't worry I have a Borat-like pass for these jokes). I also would most likely call the females on the show, bitches (don't worry I have a Mary Wollstonecraft-like pass for these jokes).

Some of the occupations in this episode were Russian immigrant, NFL football player, and belly dancer. The producers had them dressed as to give a hint. The football player was Ray Crockett, an old Bronco, who my friend from the Amityville Blog would know. The contestant said he looked like TO, I thought it was Rodney Harrison.

But let's go back to the more interesting topic of getting trashed before playing (not TO, but being a contestant). I'd drink before the Price is Right as a way to keep entertained. And as you know, drinking is accepted on Family Feud, as long as you don't get as drunk as the host.

Monday, December 18, 2006

Antichrist's Warning of the Week: Inflated Ego

Time magazine named "You" Person of the Year. Sorry Jiyuan Yu, Professor of Philosophy at the State University of New York at Buffalo. How do I break this to you, everyone who is Time's Person of the Year, step forward, not so fast Jiyuan Yu, Professor of Philosophy at the State University of New York at Buffalo. Oh, he counts too, well congrats. Sorry about the confusion.

Now you gotta keep your ego in check. Don't think that you can put this on a résumé. George W. Bush however, can say that he is now a three time Person of the Year. But that's only because he's a sleuthy one, and President.

This recognition does not give you a mandate for certain behavior. As you all are wondering, you cannot now publicly grope because you are Person of the Year. You could do that before. Hobos grope. They are arguably not Person of the Year, since they accounted for zero growth of user-generated content on the internet. I take that back, Bum Fight videos were definitely generated.

As a way to suppress your ego, I'll inform you that Hitler was chosen in 1938 (Mel Gibson continues to vote for him to this day). So if you want to inflate your ego, admire your dick size, America. This has been Antichrist with the Warning of the Week.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

The Glory of Christmas

by Antichrist

This evening I went to a Christmas play at a local Baptist church. I admit that throughout the show I was thinking of how I could turn it into possible blog fodder. I had low expectations upon commencement, I spotted a girl that looked like Alyson Hannigan, about 17 and unfortunately lacking the Jewish heritage of Ms. Hannigan (eww putting it like that reminds me of an old high school teacher with the same name, and the the thought of me lusting for her is quite grody). Anywho, I relegated myself to being Spacey in American Beauty, and thought I would be watching her for the whole show.

But then she and her pasty teenage boy counterparts left, and a group of younger kids came out. The band provided them a grimy beat that only the late Aaliyah could handle, and they did their impression of Ike Broflovski's class at the Thanksgiving play.

They were followed by a group of kids older than Ike's kindergarten class, but younger than the Pre-Teen Braves. One of the girls stood out with ruffled cuffs, and semi-seductive dancing. Is it a faux pas to say a girl will be hot when she grows up? Everything I've read in Lolita tells me it's not.

Seeing old people in the play dance in a 50's style era motif, made me remember how much I like the elderly. Not even on some "I really respect the aged, so much wisdom, so much wisdom" that you would say to a girl who mentions old people (Kelly O'Connor in my situation).

There was a guy that looked like my friend Heather's dad, (big and stern, close cut hair), who twirled a hula-hoop around his neck. I think Heather's dad has short hair. Hair is something I don't remember about people. For a girl, if it's not blonde, it might as well be octoroon, because I'm not going remember the color. And of course I'm speaking of pubic hair. And yes, I know what an octoroon is. I am one.

Blog Carnival

From the same site that annointed this blog as the best of the day on Sept. 13 (which I will recognize as a holiday), has included me in the Blog Carnival. Various bloggers (carnival goers) give a link to a post to the site's creator Bobby (the carny), who lists all of the posts together.

Hopefully some blog notoriety (cotton candy) will get sent my way. For you, the average Antichrist & Minotaur Man blog reader, this increases the chance that you can say "I was up on their shit before they got popular and sold out," much like I say about The Shins. The Who also sold out.

Saturday, December 16, 2006


by Antichrist

I have come to believe that plotting revenge would be a very rewarding endeavor. I have however, neither the worthy receipient of this revenge, nor the cold heart. My heart is capable of only campy teen movie revenge, and this obviously will not do. I could come up with a plan to have paint dropped on a teacher I don't like. Too campy. I could pull down the pants of the school bully. Can you say Campylobacter? I could be a secretary that gets back at his boss who looks like Tina Fey, and with whom he has sexual tension with, by fucking boning her completely. Too Dilbert-erotica-esque.

However, if my heart were a bit colder (maybe if I had a dysfunctional semilunar valve or something) I would dream about plotting revenge that was on some extensive multi-year to come to fruition shit. It would have to be long enough, so that when I forgot about the whole thing, I would be suprised about my past genius. With my heavy drug intake, that would be about two weeks. Just kidding. It's really more like two days.

My plan would need an element of the person I would be plotting revenge on (for the sake of space, let's say Bill Paxton) waking up without knowing where they were. It would be crucial that Bill Paxton didn't learn a life lesson from the whole experience.

I would need some traps/torture, but I realize I'm not witty enough, so I would consult Method Man on the intricacies of the torture art form. He would give me a list of things, and I could cross them off one by one. Better yet, I would have them ordered to be done, so I could cross them off while I was on an airplane.

If I was ever found out, I would quickly give myself up in order to have my genius plot be admired (a la Sideshow Bob or Bond villians).

I would spill the beans to everyone how I held Bill Paxton captive for five years, and hypnotized him into falling in love with his then 15 year old daughter, Lydia.

Friday, December 15, 2006

The Gospel According To Webbie

A communion service based on the music of U2 has become the latest trend for a number of Episcopal churches across the U.S.

The U2Charist--named after the band and the Eucharist communion--weaves songs by the Irish rockers into a church service along with corresponding slides. Link

by Antichrist

A lesser known preaching method, and arguably not effective at all, is a sermon based on Lil' Webbie lyrics:

Boo I'm digging you too
You wanna be one of the chosen few
Then gon get up in this motherfucker
God wants you to be a believer, so get all up in that Holy Book and school ya'self.

Wop wop get loose let's take this shit to the room
And you just keep yourself excited til we get to the room
Jesus will one day return, so be excited about going to heaven.

It aint nobodys buisness what we do where we go how we come where we been
Matthew 6:6 - But when you pray, go to your inner room, close the door, and pray to your Father in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will repay you.

Showin up with yo thugs , me and my thugs'll make yo thugs bounce
Create a prayer community with your "apostles."

She don't mind giving me some mouth and lip service
It's better to give than receive?

Thursday, December 14, 2006

10 Other Uses For The World's Tallest Man

BEIJING (Dec. 14) - The long arms of the world's tallest man reached in and saved two dolphins by pulling out plastic from their stomachs, state media and an aquarium official said Thursday.
Bao Xishun, [is] a 7-foot-9 herdsman from Inner Mongolia with 41.7-inch arms.

10. Being a valuable part of a real-life performance of the Aristocrats joke

9. Confuse people by tapping their opposite shoulder from feet away

8. Lifting children from a well

7. Covering Britney Spears' vadge as she gets out of a car

6. Inclusion in the joke: How many Chinese veterinarians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Zero, they can't do it without the world's tallest man.

5. Steal shit from stores without entering them

4. Making an Asian actor the next Billy Crystal, with My Mongolian Giant

3. Maximum arm flailing on the Wii

2. The ultimate defense against prison keistering

1. The voice and inspiration for the new Chinese cartoon about a superhero who uses his long arms to defeat villains, save the day, and give viewers epilepsy

Monday, December 11, 2006

Antichrist's Warning of the Week: The Wii

Ever since the release of the Wii, injuries have befallen many a gamer. I did some empirical study to get at the source. No, I haven't played the Wii. No, I haven't seen anyone injure themself playing. What I have done however, is seen the Wii in a glass case at a video game store. And boy does that thing look dangerous.

Some injuries that have been reported are sore backs and shoulders. This is the first known case of latissimus dorsi strains since the inception of the silent killer "Duck Hunt." Moving a stick around is almost like playing the actual sport. I respect these chronic injuries that can occur due to overuse of the "gamer's elbow."

Injuries that I cannot respect are the arm flailing debaucheries. Broken glass everywhere, bloody hands, and exploding controllers do not garner my repsect. Not because of the drunkeness of the users, but of the idea behind it...Medical bills.

I did some more empirical study about this company Nintendo, and found a link to medical professions...Dr. Mario. Apparently he's been associated with the company for a substantial amount of time. Is he the mastermind behind a system that has caused injuries across the country, in an effort to draw new patients? I'll let you decide America. This has been Antichrist with the Warning of the Week.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Worker Elves File Lawsuit Over "The Santa Clause 3"

by Antichrist

This week, three worker elves from the North Pole are suing over their appearance in "The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause." They claim that they were tricked into appearing in the movie by the producers.

During a break from whittling, the three elves (Bearclaw Moondance, Halek Feslin, and Maleen Burdakin) say they were each given sippy cups of Grey Goose, which according to their account, made them start "feelin' loose."

The behavior that is displayed in the movie speaks for itself. The elves blame their low tolerance for "the hooch." The production crew persuaded them to make a presentation on the construction of sex toys that goes on during the afterhours of the workshop. They were made to believe that this footage would be shown in the extras of the DVD. Instead, their two hour long instruction will be released by itself, and will be available by Christmas.

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Smelly Ads

Failed endeavor: Milk advertisers putting chocolate chip cookie-scented strips behind their ads at San Francisco bus stops

Spin-Off Ideas: by Antichrist

Detroit officials throwing alcohol pads on the floor of homeless shelters

University of Miami administrators placing scratch and sniff marijuana stickers in the football locker room

Gas station bathrooms across the country putting up urine-scented strips, so the room will smell from the time it is cleaned until the next time it's used

Smoke-scented strips placed in restaurants after smoking was banned, as a way to keep a similar atmosphere, and warrant a smoking section

Stickers smelling of fecal matter, to cover the entire body of the first drunk kid to pass out

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Blogging Jazz Back To Life

Jazz aficionados are hoping that the popularity of the blog posts by composer Dave Douglas, along with the blogs making out-of-print jazz music available, will help to resurrect the music form. Some would say that jazz is the hottest subject in the Blogosphere. Most would ask if that's the movie with Paulie Shore.

In an attempt to not be left out of the crowd (not really), I'll put my reading of an article from the NY Times to good use (really), and attempt to create a jazzian fervor, as it is of profound importance to me (we'll see).

I feel the best way to rejuvinate the arrhythmic beating heart of jazz is through shock value:

Greg Ostertag could revolutionize the techinque of playing an instrument by sucking.

Modern musicians don't put enough stress on the "and" beat that is so very crucial.

Pepsi Jazz should be garnered the name Pepsi Jizz due to it's poor taste and high viscosity.