Saturday, July 24, 2010

Adventures of Brunaya: Scrabble?

We last left our heroes fighting zombies in the barren tundra that is Connecticut. They have lived through the dreaded zombie apocalypse acquiring a few scars and singular bite mark, but regardless they have survived. The duo eventually makes their triumphant return to Pennsylvania, with one objective on their minds, pick up chicks with their bitchin scar stories.

Paul: Ok guys here’s your stop (opens the doors to his S.W.A.T. bus)
Sam: You’re not coming with us
Paul: (loads a shotgun, and pumps it with one arm) No, I must go, I am needed elsewhere
John: But where will you go
Paul: I am the breeze forever roaming the face of this wretched Earth, a traveler with no direction or intention
Sam: Spooky
Paul: No not really I’m going back to my house to smoke some pot and play x-box
Sam: Oh well, have fun, and thanks for the whole saving our ass thing, that antimatter grenade sure came in handy
Paul: Don’t mention it (shuts door and drives off into the sunset)
(Sam and John walk inside, they burst through the door and collapse on the couch in a state of utter exhaustion.)
John: Hey whatever happened to cheese slug?
Cheese Slug: Yo
Sam & John: Oh hey you survived!
Cheese Slug: Yup
Sam: Care to elaborate on your tale
Cheese Slug: Nope
Sam: Ok then, so Johnny whatcha wanna do
John: (snoring loudly)
Sam: I see (suddenly snoring loudly as well)
Cheese Slug: (rummages through Sam and John’s pockets and takes their wallets) Nice
(John’s Dream)
John: (wakes up stretching, suddenly Sam and Slugsy explode through the door)
Sam: (jumping on John’s bed) John wake up, wake up, everybody waking up!
John: Ahh ahhh ok ok
Cheese Slug: Come on your gonna be late for you dissertation to a body of 60,000 hooters girls, celebrities, your parents, the president, and all your childhood crushes
(suddenly John is standing on a stage behind a podium the audience stares at him pensively)
John: Ok, so dissertation, dissertation, hmmm
Crowd: Say something you fuck!
John: Hey hey hey I don’t even know what this is about
Crowd Member: This guy doesn’t even know what to say boo this clown!
John: No stop no (he steps out from behind the podium to try to reason with the crowd but he is completely nude, all the Hooters girls point and laugh, Carmen Elektra stands up and points at John’s penis and laughs uncontrollably) Hey fuck you guys, shut up, It’s normal size, It’s normal sized, It’s…..
(John wakes up startled screaming its normal sized feverishly, he looks around the room everyone else is asleep, John shrugs turns over and falls back asleep)
(Sam’s Dream)
Sam: (in the middle of the woods lost, it is still day out, Sam hears a voice calling out from the bushes behind him, the voice speaks in a chipmunk like tone)
Voice: Hey you lost
Sam: (turns to face the bush) Yeah who’s there, is that Alvin
(A group of cuddly woodland creatures step out from the bush)
Woodland Creatures: Well help you find your way
Sam: Aww thank you and you’re so cute too
Woodland Creatures: In Hell!!!!
Sam: That’s not right, AHHHHH!!!
Woodland Creatures: (pull out bloody farm tools)
Sam: (tries to run but his legs won’t move) Come on come on (he tugs on his legs, finally they start moving, he runs and runs for miles then stops at a nearby tree, he is now gasping for air) I think I lost (suddenly a hatchet whizzes by his face and slices into the tree he’s leaning on)
Woodland Creatures: Kill Kill!
Sam: No ahh don’t kill me Woodland Creatures!
(Sam wakes up on the couch panting)
Sam: Thank God it was only a dream
Woodland Creatures: (pop out from behind the couch brandishing bloody hatchets and razor sharp teeth) or maybe not
(Sam wakes up this time for real on the couch, in a cold sweat)
John: Cold sweat, I thought you were off the scag
Sam: No it was those damned woodland creatures this time
John: It’s always one or the other
Cheese Slug: True, True
John: Where the fuck is my wallet!

To spare the audience from some extreme ridiculousness I have abridged Sam and John’s perilous search for their wallets. The events progressed as follows…
Sam and John say the ointment a lot at random time for no apparent reason

John poops his pants

So does Sam

Sam and John suddenly find themselves somewhere in Vatican City deciphering artifacts

Sam concludes that Jesus was

Short commercial break is employed to increase level of suspense

A Peeeeeeeiiiiiiimmmmmp!

Nothing is accomplished

Sam and John completely forget what they were doing, and start playing scrabble

We now return to The Adventures of Brunaya already in progress, the role of Sam will now be played by Samuel L Jackson.

John: Damn it Sam Bad mother fucker is not one word, and how do you have so many letters.
Sam: I tell you why it’s a word, CUS I FUCKING SAID IT WAS!!! (in that distinctive, free from vocalized pauses, always yelling voice of his)
John: Always yellin an shit
Cheese Slug: Sup
Sam: What fuck is this motherfuckin cheese slug doing playing motherfuckin scrapple!!!!
John: its scrabble Sam
Sam: I don’t even eat pork
(the is a long silence, cheese slug and John are staring at Sam with anticipation)
Sam: Motha fucka!
(John and cheese slug nod fulfilled)
Cheese Slug: Fuck this game!
John: Yes sir (begins to undo his pants)
Cheese Slug: Not what I meant
Sam: Put your wrinkly ass cock away!!!
(just then four hooters girls walk by the front window all pointing a John’s member)
John: Damn prophetic dreams

(Now that scrabble has ended so shall this episode)