Friday, March 30, 2007

Round Table Discussion

by Antichrist

Welcome back readers. I failed you, providing no funny, relevant blog posts for two whole weeks. This one may not be relevant, but I'm not in that kind of mood. In this round table discussion, you will find a dialogue between myself, General Winfield Scott, John Wesley Posey, Hank Williams Sr., and James Naismith. The topic of discussion will be a random Wikipedia article. Go!

Carl: Welcome back team. To start off the discussion, I'd like to know what everybody thought about our trip to Stade d'Agadir.

Hank Williams: The stadium wasn't even done yet.

General Winfield Scott: Why did we go to Africa, I already got me enough slaves.

John Wesley Posey: Man shut the fuck up you racist piece of shit.

Hank Williams: Give him a break, he's from Civil War times.

Carl: So the stadium only holds 40,000 people, what do you think about that?

James Naismith: They're playing soccer, not basketball. Fuck that. S'all I gots to say.

Carl: Well, it'll be done this year, maybe we can go back. Next I want to discuss the Dear Prudence advice column in the online magazine Slate. I asked how our group can be more cohesive.

Hank Williams: We can get closer all by ourselves, just need a little Jambalaya on the Bayou.

General Winfield Scott: Stop pitching your devil music boy.

John Wesley Posey: Shut the fuck up, Win-field.

Carl: Don't let him get to you. I don't think Slate is going to write back, since the column was canceled. You know who can add some fire to our group, if you guys were interested in new members, is Heat Wave, the comic book villain of The Flash.

Hank Williams: Why would we want a complete jerk in the group, we already got Gen. Scott. Give me some love Jimmy.

James Naismith: Count it. So who's watching my creation in action this weekend in the Final Four.

Carl: Fruck yea I am, got my Gators in it to win it.

General Winfield Scott: I think Heat Wave would be a great addition. He does have that phobia of cold, ever since he took that school field trip to a slaughterhouse, and his classmates locked him in a walk-in freezer.

Hank Williams: No means no, dickweed. When are we hitting up that hootenanny?

Carl: Sorry, you misread the letter, Hank. We actually got invited to the Millat Party, a political party in Pakistan, formed by Sardar Farooq Ahmad Khan Leghari.

General Winfield Scott: That's a great name, for someone that works on my farm.

Carl: Aren't you a Union general?

General Winfield Scott: Union or not, I still love me some slaves.

John Wesley Posey: Shut the fuck up, Old Fuss and Feathers!

Friday, March 23, 2007

A Near Death Experience

A Near Death Experience

Today 3:00 pm I had my first near death experience. On my way home from my college of choice, Penn State Harrisburg, the rain poured and the car roared. Traveling on the Pennsylvania turnpike our two door scion tore up the road. Suddenly I see headlights, I scream “Stop!” and the car comes into a screeching halt. A sport utility vehicle in the right lane spun out of control. The suv’s tire had catastrophically burst at high speeds sending the vehicle careening into the concrete medium. We were no more than 100 feet behind the vehicle, and I’m positive if we had been any close we would have crashed head on into the suv. My heart pounded no humor here, I was shook, and I could barely keep my hands from shaking. We got lucky for sure, the suv finally spun completely around and smashed backwards into the medium for the second time, debris and items from the man’s trunk were scattered all over the road. We immediately pulled over to check on the driver, he was ok, but his suv was totaled. The front left tire was completely off the rim and the rear right tire was resting on the concrete medium. The trunk looked as if someone had tossed a frag grenade inside, nothing but twisted metal and broken glass. It was a scary experience altogether, especially because of our proximity to the wrecked vehicle. It’s strange to think of the what ifs, but we are fine, a little shaken, but ok. I’ve never seen an accident like that up close and personal. The rest of the trip we talked about what had just happened and how close we came to injury and possibly death.

-Minotaur Man

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Come To Kenya, We've Got Idol

by Antichrist

There are only 730,00 televisions in Kenya, but American Idol star Simon Cowell hopes that his new show will be watched on all of them. The tryouts for the summer special, Kenyan Idol, will likely draw the majority of Kenya's 30 million plus population.

Simon and Paula will be without fellow judge Randy Jackson for the tryouts however.

"I ain't going to the tryouts. I wouldn't be able to watch Simon rip the Kenyans apart," Jackson said.

Cowell however provides a different story: "We have enough bloody black people for this one. The point of the matter is that we didn't invite him."

In an interview of what Paula Abdul might expect, she quickly became misty-eyed. "I won't be able to understand a word they say, but my heart will. I think these people truly want to be a pop star, and all of the food that comes with it."

While Simon and Paula will be exiting Kenya after the auditions, Ryan Seacrest has been assigned for the eight week duration. "The shows going to be great. We don't know if it's going to be picked up in the states, and we're not sure how people are going to text their votes, but I'm sure we'll figure it out."

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Watching Porn With Your Parents

If things continue down the same path, this will happen. Of course I don't mean I'll be watching it with your parents. That will have to wait until I become a marriage counselor, and practice groundbreaking procedures. And bed breaking procedures.

Anywho, I've made some dumb decisions about what movies to watch with the fam. Any movie with fucking is going to be awkward. It's also awkward when you pull out your schlong and wack it like the masturbating bear. But I'm pretty sure you know not to do that.

However with the bad decisions I've made (Clockwork Orange, Pick of Destiny, hell even Oliver and Company was too steamy), I've become a little wiser. That wisdom was shown when I received The OH! in Ohio from Netflix today. I decided to watch the movie (an hour and a half of Parker Posey masturbating) by myself. If I watched this with my parents I would be left thinking "omg this is like so awkward." Instead I'm left thinking that I'm in love with Parker Posey, and that she's a goddess of the silver screen. -AC

What movies have you watched with your parents that was awkward like mad nuts?

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Results On Fergie

by Antichrist

In the past, I've wholeheartedly supported that Fergie was in fact, not a butter-face. That time is long gone.

She looks like one of Malcolm McDowell's droogs. Even though I'm notoriously known to give tongue- in-cheek support to causes like the legacy of Dred Scott, this is not one of those cases. I will work toward the acceptance of the idea of Fergie being a butter-face with the same fervor that I fight for Carl Lewis being recognized as an American hero.

Instead of my compelling, "Dude, she's hot" argument, I will rail off a speech in five paragraph essay format, focusing on her flaws. She pisses her pants on stage, is watched by a dancing Asian man (ninja?), and as Silky Johnson would say, she wears underwear with dick holes in them.

What are your thoughts?

Hip-Hop Finance Advice

At last weekend's Hip-Hop Summit in Houston, rappers gave students financial advice. -AC

"Man, Ching-a-ling's gonna teach you suckas about financing. Ya'll can't be a balla baby like ya boy if you fuck with Nelly. That mutha's gonna try to steal yurr shit, ya hurr. Drop that dough right thurr in tha bank."
Chingy's Tip: Put your money in the bank.

Vinnie Paz:
"Keep a list of your spending daddy! Steadily you'll shine, if you put that info on the line. Ikon the Verbal Hologram! Follow me daddy! Lawnmower man!
Vinnie Paz's Tip: Track your spending.

Paul Wall:
Wuddit do it's Paul Wall. I got the candy apple gloss drippin'. Wood grain grippin'. Got my boy Big Pokey. We doin' the hokey pokey up in this shit. Sittin' sidewayz. Got my Paul Wall grill. Puttin' it down, H-Town.
Paul Wall's Tip: ???

Monday, March 12, 2007

Airplane Monologue

Of the passenger sitting next to you, who went to the new airport gym before boarding the plane

by Antichrist

Wow I am sore. Gotta stretch a bit. Yeaah. Sorry about my leg brushing up against you. I just went to that airport gym, and my lats are killing Bre.

Oh, me and my friends substitute "Bre" for "me," because I have a friend named Bre. Funny huh. You seem like a nice guy. Whew, it's hot in here. Do you mind if I turn on the little blowing thing?

Ever see Akeelah and the Bee?

I went to this retreat back in high school, but I kind of still keep the message with me you know? It was about how any two people can be friends. I'd like to think it's possible for us two. Good thing this is a long, packed flight.

Think about it, there must be higher love. Do you see?

I am sweaty. It's just that right before boarding is the only time that I can exercise. Before they put in a gym, I would do crunches in the waiting area. I seem to be sweating more than usual.

I actually put on three deodorants. I find the combination to keep me the driest. I've spent about a couple hundred bucks on experimenting with different varieties. The smells don't mix the best together, but it works.

You want to see something gross? Check out this boil on my back.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Guy From The Online Predator Commercial Applies For A Job As A Suicide Hotline Operator

by Antichrist

Boss: What kind of attributes do you have to set yourself apart from the competition?

Guy: Well, my age lets me play the supportive older guy, and that's interested in the same things.

Boss: So here's a little scenario for you to prove your mettle. A mentally deranged teenager is looking for someone to talk to and connect with. She calls you and starts...

Guy: Chatting seems unthreatening to them. Once I talk about how perfect we are for each...

Boss: Other people may call and talk about having romantic problems that drive them to suicide. What kind of advice would you give a guy that's having problems with...

Guy: Meeting a teen girl online is easy. They're so desperate for...

Boss: Attention is one of the main reasons for calling the hotline. Certain circumstances require you to take lawful measures in meeting...

Guy: Them is the goal. That's when things really get interesting.

Boss: You don't know what you're doing, do you?

Saturday, March 10, 2007

Book Feedback

by Antichrist

I Loved Your Book

As I titled this letter, I really loved your book. Well I didn't put "really" in the title, but I should have, in retrospect. I've attached page 37 of your book to this letter for you to sign. Don't worry, I'll tape it back in after you return the page. Actually I loved that page so much I could probably recite it upon request.

"-ing so hard. Gretchen peeled herself off of the butcher's floor..."

Well you know, haha you wrote it. To be honest, I looked at the page while I was reciting it, so I'm banking on you returning it signed. I would have sent you the whole book, but shipping was too pricey. Money has been tight lately. I actually didn't even buy your book, I stole it from one of the care packages going to the troops. I felt a little guilty, so I tell myself its for enemy troops. Why they would be shipping it out of the US? Maybe it's a UN thing.

Anyway, the book touched me sexually, in a very meta-physical way. It really wasn't even sexual, it was more sensual. Also, it was less meta-physical, and more meta-irony. Let's say I was touched.

My new style of reading is to flip through the first and last chapters, so that I can split the difference and get the gist of the book. I thought there was good flow, structure. Maybe put in some more wordplay to keep the reader interested. Syllable count was good, and um topic was played out.

Return the favor. I've written some books too.
-Stephen King

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Cardinal Attempts To Return To Majors As Bat Boy

by Antichrist

After bouts of extreme wildness caused him to give up pitching, and a future career in the minor leagues made him stop being an outfielder, St. Louis Cardinal Rick Ankiel hopes to get back to the majors by whatever means necessary.

Upon the forced retirement of portly youngster Matthew McGwire (steroids), the bat boy position is open, and Ankiel is not taking his try out lightly. In the current, highly competitive world of bat boyism, the 27-year-old, 6'1" Ankiel hardly stands out. Ankiel was however, one of the few camp invites that was able to lift Albert Pujols' bat.

"I'd do anything to get back to The Show," Ankiel said. "Since I signed straight out of high school, being a hot dog vendor is out of the question. Hell, I could barely count my wild pitches back in the day."

Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa supports Ankiel's decision, and praises his determination. "With his type of talent, I could see him stepping out on the field soon," he said. "We'll obviously start him working during batting practices to get his confidence up."

Unfortunately for Ankiel, equipment manager Rip Rowan does not share LaRussa's optimism. "This is a guy who is past his prime. He has a history of elbow injuries and back spasms. How will he handle the 40 bend downs a game that a bat boy averages? Trust me, I've counted!"

Saturday, March 03, 2007

Request II: The Water Planeteer Gets Her Period

by Antichrist

This crazy ass idea is from my roommate (who may later be featured under the pseudonym Einstine Parker to tell the hilarious story of Hayden Potpan). You may need to hit up if you're a diehard Antimino fan and want to try to follow this.

Gi: Gaia.

Gaia: What is it Gi?

Gi: I'm breeding.

Gaia: I don't see any blood. Where are you bleeding?

Gi: Down there.

Gaia: Oh I see.

Kwame: Can a negro get some Funions up in this shit?

Gaia: Peace Kwame, be under the calmness of your orator LeVar Burton.

Kwame: Aight den.

Gi: About the breeding.

Gaia: I'll take you to Dr. Blight. I'm sure she'll have some pamphlets my child.

Gi: Doesn't she speciarize in chemicar warfare.

Gaia: That's exactly what this is little one.

Kwame: Man, I'd burn some pork fat off of Hoggish Greedly's ass for some Pork Rinds. Damn.

Ma-ti: What is is Kwame?

Kwame: Ahh, I'd ask you if you had any food, but that shit makes me hungry again two hours later.

Ma-ti: Kwame, I'm not Chinese.

Gi: Werr I am, and I've got a probrem.

Kwame: What you think this is? A job for Captain Planet?

Captain Planet: I'm Captain Planet. What's up my yellow brother?

Ma-ti: Nothing much Captain.

Captain Planet: What's the problem Gaia?

Gaia: Gi got her first period.

Captain Planet: Whew I was beginning to worry.

Gaia: About what?

Captain Planet: I was afraid that we might have had a little Planeteer on our hands. Which would make Ma-ti a sixth wheel.

Kwame: I thought you were hitting Linka?

Captain Planet: You know this is the second season Kwame. I'm over that.

Kwame: That's cool. Yo but, Gi's got the power to control liquids you know. You think she'll be able to handle herself?

Captain Planet: If Gi's on the loose, the streets will run red.

Gi: Fruck you guys!

Friday, March 02, 2007

Future Rapper To Be In Prison Since Birth

by Antichrist

In Austin, Texas, the abandoned downtown building that symbolized the dot-com collapse was demolished to make way for a new courthouse. Intel abandoned its construction of the building in 2001 when the tech boom fizzled.
The abandoned building being there for six years before being taken down symbolized the laziness of teamsters.

Bills introduced in the Legislature would remove outdated terms such as the word "idiot" from the Ohio Revised Code.
It will be replaced by the word "Republican."

In Indiana, more than 600 convicted felons showed up at the Tippecanoe County fairgrounds to have their DNA collected.
As is customary, the newly convicted were not allowed to go kayaking or bob for apples like the rest.

Utah legislators gave final approval to a measure yanking the driver's license of people who fall behind in child-support payments.
Now they have the excuse that they couldn't drive to the bank.

A northern Kentucky jail is photographing inmates' tattoos in an effort to track and suppress gang activity.
This procedure has been tested at a Kentucky women's jail, where the Tweety Bird gang was successfully put to rest.

Some newborns in West Virginia could live their first 18 months behind bars. A bill passed by the Senate would let women inmates raise their babies in prison to encourage a strong maternal bond.
This makes a reality of Mooj's joke: When your child is born, is he already on parole?

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Coming Through On Requests

by The Count of Antichristo

With as popular (as the Spanish say) this blog ( has become, it is not queer that from time to time (said in Dane Cook one yellow tooth voice) I get some requests for posts. Maybe its something people specifically want to see (midgets fucking) or something that is funny to them, and want to see me riff upon it (midgets fucking - ok). Either way, I want to give the fans they want.

The first request was from my good friend/lover Heather. This is not to say that Heather and I are lovers, just that she is one, or so I'm told via grapevine. When confronted with the idea de Heather, I was put into blogger's block as they say. Which is to say that I was put into solitary confinement like Paul Newman in Cool Hand Luke. So as a way to have the ideas flow, and make a fan happy (unplugging it conserves energy which makes appliances happy - see Simpsons Treehouse of Horror VIII to find little about that) I pulled somewhat of a James Joyce.

Topic: White Castle Reservations

On the past Valentine's Day, White Castle had the service of reservations to be made, along with the restaurant filled with candled atmosphere. Personally I find nothing more romantic than two lovers quelling their craving. As we all know a craving can be sexual. Maybe not even sexual, but sensual. What I propose mister Gov'nah, is that fulfilling the craving is even more sultry.

Imagine yourself with the girl of your dreams (Janet Reno - After my cloudy dreams I can't remember who the girl was and picture the former attorney general) sitting across from you at a White Castle made to look like The Four Seasons. You've just purchased a Craver Case (30 Slyders for you unbelievers) and have decided to split them equally. The repercussions of this is that you both equally get high from the weed the workers sprinkled in. After two Slyders, the girl has had enough, and you eat 28. I am by no way calling Heather, Janet Reno, upon review that is what it appears as.

So that is your February 14th. Did you enjoy? I thought so. The dream is still going on, and you fast-forward this shit a month. You go back to White Castle with your girl, and they are back to normal. Wellll, aalmost. They serve steak instead of burgers. And you are able to make a reservation. The day is March 14th and you are celebrating Steak & a Blowjob Day.