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Thursday, October 23, 2008
In Prison Cell Phones Are The New Currency
Inmates have resorted to using cell phones for escape purposes in many of the maximum security prisons here in the United States. The estimate for one of those new fangled i-phones roughly equates to 60 lbs of gold bullion. Unfortunately for the prisoners the only bullion they get to see is the cubes that go into their imitation gruel. Since rape is so prevalent in the prison system many inmates are, for lack of better wording, shoving the cell phones up their asses. This act is more pleasure based and less diabolical then one might think. The states plan to instate jamming technologies in order to prevent this cell phone epidemic. "We've come a long way from diggin holes with forks" says a one Charles Montague an 85 year old inmate serving a life sentence. "What does send mean, and what's a chirp, and what is rotfl, and who are all these people in these pictures" Montague asks obviously confused at his senile age. When asked if he thought the cell phones would make it easier for escape Montague responded quite simply with a "What!??."
In a state of dimensia our interview with Montague was cut short. I'm sure Steve McQueen would have something to say about this whole issue, it really take the glamour out of a good ol fashioned prison break. One thing is for sure violence is down 30% in the last quarter of 2008, as rival gangs leave threatening messages instead of shanking each other in the prison yards. Still thumb related injuries are on the rise as a result of constant texting, and one inmate in a Texas prison was killed while stamping license plates. The culprit of course was tunnel vision as he was talking to another inmate across the assembly line. On a side note the prison bitches have opted for the pink razor in particular, and have even begun to accessorize. They customize with ring tones, and clever voicemails that make you think they actually picked up, dicks. Who's to say whether or not these cell phones are a bad thing, one thing is for sure there costing the us taxpayers a lot on overage charges.
posted by Goat Singer Of Alpha Centauri at 4:03 AM