Saturday, July 24, 2010

Adventures of Brunaya: Scrabble?

We last left our heroes fighting zombies in the barren tundra that is Connecticut. They have lived through the dreaded zombie apocalypse acquiring a few scars and singular bite mark, but regardless they have survived. The duo eventually makes their triumphant return to Pennsylvania, with one objective on their minds, pick up chicks with their bitchin scar stories.

Paul: Ok guys here’s your stop (opens the doors to his S.W.A.T. bus)
Sam: You’re not coming with us
Paul: (loads a shotgun, and pumps it with one arm) No, I must go, I am needed elsewhere
John: But where will you go
Paul: I am the breeze forever roaming the face of this wretched Earth, a traveler with no direction or intention
Sam: Spooky
Paul: No not really I’m going back to my house to smoke some pot and play x-box
Sam: Oh well, have fun, and thanks for the whole saving our ass thing, that antimatter grenade sure came in handy
Paul: Don’t mention it (shuts door and drives off into the sunset)
(Sam and John walk inside, they burst through the door and collapse on the couch in a state of utter exhaustion.)
John: Hey whatever happened to cheese slug?
Cheese Slug: Yo
Sam & John: Oh hey you survived!
Cheese Slug: Yup
Sam: Care to elaborate on your tale
Cheese Slug: Nope
Sam: Ok then, so Johnny whatcha wanna do
John: (snoring loudly)
Sam: I see (suddenly snoring loudly as well)
Cheese Slug: (rummages through Sam and John’s pockets and takes their wallets) Nice
(John’s Dream)
John: (wakes up stretching, suddenly Sam and Slugsy explode through the door)
Sam: (jumping on John’s bed) John wake up, wake up, everybody waking up!
John: Ahh ahhh ok ok
Cheese Slug: Come on your gonna be late for you dissertation to a body of 60,000 hooters girls, celebrities, your parents, the president, and all your childhood crushes
(suddenly John is standing on a stage behind a podium the audience stares at him pensively)
John: Ok, so dissertation, dissertation, hmmm
Crowd: Say something you fuck!
John: Hey hey hey I don’t even know what this is about
Crowd Member: This guy doesn’t even know what to say boo this clown!
John: No stop no (he steps out from behind the podium to try to reason with the crowd but he is completely nude, all the Hooters girls point and laugh, Carmen Elektra stands up and points at John’s penis and laughs uncontrollably) Hey fuck you guys, shut up, It’s normal size, It’s normal sized, It’s…..
(John wakes up startled screaming its normal sized feverishly, he looks around the room everyone else is asleep, John shrugs turns over and falls back asleep)
(Sam’s Dream)
Sam: (in the middle of the woods lost, it is still day out, Sam hears a voice calling out from the bushes behind him, the voice speaks in a chipmunk like tone)
Voice: Hey you lost
Sam: (turns to face the bush) Yeah who’s there, is that Alvin
(A group of cuddly woodland creatures step out from the bush)
Woodland Creatures: Well help you find your way
Sam: Aww thank you and you’re so cute too
Woodland Creatures: In Hell!!!!
Sam: That’s not right, AHHHHH!!!
Woodland Creatures: (pull out bloody farm tools)
Sam: (tries to run but his legs won’t move) Come on come on (he tugs on his legs, finally they start moving, he runs and runs for miles then stops at a nearby tree, he is now gasping for air) I think I lost (suddenly a hatchet whizzes by his face and slices into the tree he’s leaning on)
Woodland Creatures: Kill Kill!
Sam: No ahh don’t kill me Woodland Creatures!
(Sam wakes up on the couch panting)
Sam: Thank God it was only a dream
Woodland Creatures: (pop out from behind the couch brandishing bloody hatchets and razor sharp teeth) or maybe not
(Sam wakes up this time for real on the couch, in a cold sweat)
John: Cold sweat, I thought you were off the scag
Sam: No it was those damned woodland creatures this time
John: It’s always one or the other
Cheese Slug: True, True
John: Where the fuck is my wallet!

To spare the audience from some extreme ridiculousness I have abridged Sam and John’s perilous search for their wallets. The events progressed as follows…
Sam and John say the ointment a lot at random time for no apparent reason

John poops his pants

So does Sam

Sam and John suddenly find themselves somewhere in Vatican City deciphering artifacts

Sam concludes that Jesus was

Short commercial break is employed to increase level of suspense

A Peeeeeeeiiiiiiimmmmmp!

Nothing is accomplished

Sam and John completely forget what they were doing, and start playing scrabble

We now return to The Adventures of Brunaya already in progress, the role of Sam will now be played by Samuel L Jackson.

John: Damn it Sam Bad mother fucker is not one word, and how do you have so many letters.
Sam: I tell you why it’s a word, CUS I FUCKING SAID IT WAS!!! (in that distinctive, free from vocalized pauses, always yelling voice of his)
John: Always yellin an shit
Cheese Slug: Sup
Sam: What fuck is this motherfuckin cheese slug doing playing motherfuckin scrapple!!!!
John: its scrabble Sam
Sam: I don’t even eat pork
(the is a long silence, cheese slug and John are staring at Sam with anticipation)
Sam: Motha fucka!
(John and cheese slug nod fulfilled)
Cheese Slug: Fuck this game!
John: Yes sir (begins to undo his pants)
Cheese Slug: Not what I meant
Sam: Put your wrinkly ass cock away!!!
(just then four hooters girls walk by the front window all pointing a John’s member)
John: Damn prophetic dreams

(Now that scrabble has ended so shall this episode)

Friday, April 30, 2010

The Adventures of Brunaya episode 101: Pilot

From the farthest reaches of the universe..... okay maybe not the universe. From the farthest reaches of eastern pennsylvania the two surviving membersof Brunaya are reunited. Comical situations ensue

(We enter a grimey apartment the duo sits on big green couch full of dirty clothing pondering the infinite posibilities of our universe)

Sam: Man I've had the itchiest nutsack today
John: Me too dude, oh by the way I used your clippers to shave my naughty areas
Sam: Damn it John I use those clippers to shave my tounge hairs
John: You have tounge hairs
Sam: Thats right me amigo doesn't everyone
John: No just you
(Sam sticks out his tounge to show john)
John: Wow dude that's amazing, wait a minute (John plucks a particularly long hair from sam's tounge) who's is this
Sam: Ahh Jenavive I knew her well
John: That's disgusting
Sam: Yes it is and that's a long hair too, I think it might be a record
John: Yeah dude lets call Guiness
Sam: Do it
John: (Pulls out his phone) I got him on speed dial cus were always breaking records an shit
Sam: Yep (Walks over to the record player on the end table takes the record off and shatters it against the wall)
John: Crosby Stills and Nash another one down. Hold on I got guinness on the line
Guiness: Hello
John: Oh what's up man we just broke two records, one for the longest recorded length of a human hair
Sam: Who said anything about humans
John: Sorry sir the longest recorded length of a (Looks at Sam)
Sam: Platypus
John: Right platypus hair
Guiness: Oh jesus it's these guys again, look we don't keep track of strange things like that, do platypuses even have hair (Hangs up)
John: That bitch Guinness hung up on me
Sam: That's the third time this week ah fuck em
John: so wait what's a platypus hair doing halfway down your throat
Sam: You gotta keep em clean somehow
John: I see and why the name Jenavive
Sam: What's wrong with Jenavive would you rather have named her Pedromergonzalesmorraledeoxyribonucleic......acid you god damned mexican
John: yes actually, well now that that's over what do you want to do
Sam: Dunno put on some music my laptop is right there
John: ( Picks up sam's laptop from the floor, then opens it up to reveal sam's backround Ashley Judd posing scantally for the camera) I think your obsession with Asley Judd has quickly escalated from pubescent jack off material to an unhealth addiction.
Sam: Masturbation is healthy
John: 10 times a day!
Sam: So Im 10 times healthier than normal people
John: Come on dude this apartment is getting to me let's go play some tennis

(On the tennis court, sam and john are both pouring sweat. John serves the ball ferociously sending it careening elegantly into the net)

Sam: Ha Ha, obstruction!
John: Obstuction you made that shit up. So what's the score nothing nothing still
Sam: Yep we've only been playing for (Looks down at his wrist witch is devoid of a watch) 13 hours
John: Dude 13 hours I just missed 7 midterms a chemistry exam and lunch with my parents
Sam: Okay one more serve next point wins
John: (Serves another blistering serve that's lands in bounds and bounces past Sam efortlesssly) Ha
Sam: Obstruction
John: Obstuction, but Im mexican, Im a good constuction worker
Sam: Whatever somebody's a sore looser, come on man lets go home
John: Okay

(Some time later sam is sitting on the couch again and John has been in the batroom for a good 10 minutes)

Sam: Hey check this out the county fair is coming to town, and look they've got the worlds largest and most racist cheese slug
John: (calling from the batroom) thats a mighty fine cheese slug
Sam: Yes it is man yes it is, and here's a quote from him (the quote reads), why don't black people need reflectors on their bikes, because all they have to do is smile.( Sam says to himself) Man that's one mighty fine racist ass cheese slug. Hey John what are you doing in there! John

(Sam stands up and walks to the bathroom kicks open the door only to find John ferociously mastubating to Ashley Judd)

Sam: Hands off my woman
John: Let me finish let me finish!

(Sam and John fight over the laptop for a decent amount of time finally sam lets go)

Sam: told you she was sexy
John: Oh she is
Sam: So we going to see this cheese slug
John: Oh I got plans for that cheese slug man, big plans (Laugh maniacaly) Oh and Fuck Guinness!

By: Minotaur Man

Wednesday, January 06, 2010

Updating this Dusty Vagina of a Blog

Welcome back Antimino heads! I thought it was about time to revive something that was the shit back in 2006-2007. No, not MySpace. Your boy's got some ideas, so I'll lay them on you the next few days.

You might be asking yourself, "Why are you updating the blog after all this time? Let it FUCKING DIE!!" First off, you need to chill the fuck out. Relax knowing that Antichrist & Minotaur Man is good-hearted fun that doesn't force any agenda on you like some other media (the movie Must Love Dogs).

My hope is that those privy to the blog enjoy its content. I don't expect posts to get as many hits as juicy online news such as "Hamburger heiress Wendy flashes major Baconator exiting limo."

Time has passed since the last blog post, and I feel it's appropriate to note some of the major events that have occurred during that span:

1) The Philadelphia Phillies won the World Series.

2) The first Taco Bell/Pizza Hut/City Hall opened. Drive-thru Quickie Annulments with a side order of cinnamon twists.

3) Years of interracial breeding has produced a race of super humans; all looking like Chicago Bulls center Joakim Noah. Across the world they are dominating regular humans, especially on the glass.

Alright, maybe the last two aren't true, but I'll be damned if revisionist historians take away the first one from me! Now if you excuse me I'd like to finish the book I've been reading, "Slave and Master Relations: As Friendly as Lethal Weapon (with Foreword 'How Elvis Invented the Blues')"

Thursday, October 23, 2008

In Prison Cell Phones Are The New Currency

Inmates have resorted to using cell phones for escape purposes in many of the maximum security prisons here in the United States. The estimate for one of those new fangled i-phones roughly equates to 60 lbs of gold bullion. Unfortunately for the prisoners the only bullion they get to see is the cubes that go into their imitation gruel. Since rape is so prevalent in the prison system many inmates are, for lack of better wording, shoving the cell phones up their asses. This act is more pleasure based and less diabolical then one might think. The states plan to instate jamming technologies in order to prevent this cell phone epidemic. "We've come a long way from diggin holes with forks" says a one Charles Montague an 85 year old inmate serving a life sentence. "What does send mean, and what's a chirp, and what is rotfl, and who are all these people in these pictures" Montague asks obviously confused at his senile age. When asked if he thought the cell phones would make it easier for escape Montague responded quite simply with a "What!??."
In a state of dimensia our interview with Montague was cut short. I'm sure Steve McQueen would have something to say about this whole issue, it really take the glamour out of a good ol fashioned prison break. One thing is for sure violence is down 30% in the last quarter of 2008, as rival gangs leave threatening messages instead of shanking each other in the prison yards. Still thumb related injuries are on the rise as a result of constant texting, and one inmate in a Texas prison was killed while stamping license plates. The culprit of course was tunnel vision as he was talking to another inmate across the assembly line. On a side note the prison bitches have opted for the pink razor in particular, and have even begun to accessorize. They customize with ring tones, and clever voicemails that make you think they actually picked up, dicks. Who's to say whether or not these cell phones are a bad thing, one thing is for sure there costing the us taxpayers a lot on overage charges.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Landmarks in Television: "Siskel, Ebert, & an Autistic Kid at The Movies"

by Antichrist

Before "Siskel & Ebert at The Movies" cemented a critic duo as the ideal format for television, a third member was tested for one episode only. That episode was the television debut for "Jimmy the Autistic Kid."

Roger Ebert: Based on a true story, Night Crossing features John Hurt and Beau Bridges in an instant Disney Classic.

Gene Siskel: Two families traveling from East to West Germany in a hot air balloon, during the days of the Berlin Wall. They faced pitfalls along the way, that in my opinion became increasingly more boring. I'll pose this question to Jimmy, how much action can really happen in a hot air baloon?

Jimmy: ......

Roger Ebert: Speechless, much as I was with Bridges' stellar performance. Don't we all want Beau Bridges to be our dad? A heartwarming film, I give it a thumbs up.

Gene Siskel: Okay movie, but just a bit too German for me. I'll give it a thumbs down. Jimmy you'll have to break the tie.

Jimmy: ......

Roger Ebert: Jimmy again has nothing to add, but look at that intricate pattern of blocks he's built.

Jimmy: .....

Gene Siskel: Having an autistic kid may not have been the best idea for dialogue, but that block pattern is marvelous.

Jimmy: 1 in 150 kids are diagnosed with autism.

Roger Ebert: Hey, wait a minute!!

Jimmy: Night Crossing was the sheeit.

Roger Ebert: Damn you being an idiot savant at faking autism!

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Listening To Radiohead In The Shower

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1. Airbag- I get the feeling that there is a very creepy/ very hairy sneakinging up on me while I bathe.

2. Paranoid Android- I envision a quire of monks scrubbing my back, while it figuratively “Rains down” on me.

3. Subterranean Homesick Alien- I get the urge to phone home using the loufa sponge.

4. Exit Music (For A Film)- “Pack and get dressed” says the lead singer, I respond “hold on buddy I’m not even out of the shower yet.

5. Let Down- Another Radiohead song

6. Karma Police- As soon as the singer’s voice kicks in, I feel an instant rush of heroin and collapse in the tub. I then lost the soap but quickly found it, after which I change the lyrics from “For a minute there I lost myself” to “For a minute there I lost my soap, I lost my soap!”

7. Fitter Happier- The random assorted noises track, and in the background there is a computer voice rambling, so naturally I assume that Stephen Hawking is in the shower with me. I ponder deep intellectual points like; whether or not the world is round. (Which I fought with Stephen about for a good 30 minutes, I still think I won, because the world is clearly flat)

8. Electioneering- I am reminded to vote because the election is nearing.

9. Climbing up the Walls- I am a severely depressed computer, I then realize I’m in the shower and quickly short out.

10. No Surprises- I think it will be a song about numbers and the letter of the day, but I am surprised to find out it’s about the lead singer’s brother who’s killed himself.

11. Lucky- I feel like the luckiest man in the world, I even say it aloud, I then drop the soap slip on it, crack my head, and knock my toothbrush into the toilet.

12. Tourist- I feel like a stranger from another bathroom visiting and using the one I’m in.

If you are wondering why I was in the shower for the duration of 53.3 minutes, I will offer this excuse, it takes 49.5 minutes exactly for me to cum.

Friday, May 25, 2007

Fat Bitch and Her Wardrobe

by Antichrist

Why does that fat bitch's shorts have "Bling Bling" written on her ass cheeks?

-Ohh, she fought in the Korean War. She got two bullets lodged in her subcutaneous tissue.

Are you serious?

-No. She's actually selling advertisement space to two Japanese business tycoons


-Haha, no. What happened was, she ate a piece of coal thinking it was one of The California Raisin characters. That was one of her life goals. Anyway, after she digested the coal, she shit out a diamond.

I didn't know you could do that. So that's the story.

-Just kidding. Really she was bending down to pick up a coupon for a free McRib, outside of an industrial building. A strip of aluminum siding fell off of the building and got stuck in her anus.

Ouch, that must have torn the ass version of her hymen.

-Fella that was ripped apart after her first trip to Taco Bell.

Finding the coupon must have been bittersweet, since she had something clogging her ass. But I don't understand why her shorts say "Bling Bling."

-She got an insurance settlement of a cool mil.

Finally a story I believe.