In Prison Cell Phones Are The New Currency

Inmates have resorted to using cell phones for escape purposes in many of the maximum security prisons here in the United States. The estimate for one of those new fangled i-phones roughly equates to 60 lbs of gold bullion. Unfortunately for the prisoners the only bullion they get to see is the cubes that go into their imitation gruel. Since rape is so prevalent in the prison system many inmates are, for lack of better wording, shoving the cell phones up their asses. This act is more pleasure based and less diabolical then one might think. The states plan to instate jamming technologies in order to prevent this cell phone epidemic. "We've come a long way from diggin holes with forks" says a one Charles Montague an 85 year old inmate serving a life sentence. "What does send mean, and what's a chirp, and what is rotfl, and who are all these people in these pictures" Montague asks obviously confused at his senile age. When asked if he thought the cell phones would make it easier for escape Montague responded quite simply with a "What!??."
In a state of dimensia our interview with Montague was cut short. I'm sure Steve McQueen would have something to say about this whole issue, it really take the glamour out of a good ol fashioned prison break. One thing is for sure violence is down 30% in the last quarter of 2008, as rival gangs leave threatening messages instead of shanking each other in the prison yards. Still thumb related injuries are on the rise as a result of constant texting, and one inmate in a Texas prison was killed while stamping license plates. The culprit of course was tunnel vision as he was talking to another inmate across the assembly line. On a side note the prison bitches have opted for the pink razor in particular, and have even begun to accessorize. They customize with ring tones, and clever voicemails that make you think they actually picked up, dicks. Who's to say whether or not these cell phones are a bad thing, one thing is for sure there costing the us taxpayers a lot on overage charges.

Landmarks in Television: "Siskel, Ebert, & an Autistic Kid at The Movies"

by Antichrist

Before "Siskel & Ebert at The Movies" cemented a critic duo as the ideal format for television, a third member was tested for one episode only. That episode was the television debut for "Jimmy the Autistic Kid."

Roger Ebert: Based on a true story, Night Crossing features John Hurt and Beau Bridges in an instant Disney Classic.

Gene Siskel: Two families traveling from East to West Germany in a hot air balloon, during the days of the Berlin Wall. They faced pitfalls along the way, that in my opinion became increasingly more boring. I'll pose this question to Jimmy, how much action can really happen in a hot air baloon?

Jimmy: ......

Roger Ebert: Speechless, much as I was with Bridges' stellar performance. Don't we all want Beau Bridges to be our dad? A heartwarming film, I give it a thumbs up.

Gene Siskel: Okay movie, but just a bit too German for me. I'll give it a thumbs down. Jimmy you'll have to break the tie.

Jimmy: ......

Roger Ebert: Jimmy again has nothing to add, but look at that intricate pattern of blocks he's built.

Jimmy: .....

Gene Siskel: Having an autistic kid may not have been the best idea for dialogue, but that block pattern is marvelous.

Jimmy: 1 in 150 kids are diagnosed with autism.

Roger Ebert: Hey, wait a minute!!

Jimmy: Night Crossing was the sheeit.

Roger Ebert: Damn you being an idiot savant at faking autism!

Listening To Radiohead In The Shower

1. Airbag- I get the feeling that there is a very creepy/ very hairy sneakinging up on me while I bathe.

2. Paranoid Android- I envision a quire of monks scrubbing my back, while it figuratively “Rains down” on me.

3. Subterranean Homesick Alien- I get the urge to phone home using the loufa sponge.

4. Exit Music (For A Film)- “Pack and get dressed” says the lead singer, I respond “hold on buddy I’m not even out of the shower yet.

5. Let Down- Another Radiohead song

6. Karma Police- As soon as the singer’s voice kicks in, I feel an instant rush of heroin and collapse in the tub. I then lost the soap but quickly found it, after which I change the lyrics from “For a minute there I lost myself” to “For a minute there I lost my soap, I lost my soap!”

7. Fitter Happier- The random assorted noises track, and in the background there is a computer voice rambling, so naturally I assume that Stephen Hawking is in the shower with me. I ponder deep intellectual points like; whether or not the world is round. (Which I fought with Stephen about for a good 30 minutes, I still think I won, because the world is clearly flat)

8. Electioneering- I am reminded to vote because the election is nearing.

9. Climbing up the Walls- I am a severely depressed computer, I then realize I’m in the shower and quickly short out.

10. No Surprises- I think it will be a song about numbers and the letter of the day, but I am surprised to find out it’s about the lead singer’s brother who’s killed himself.

11. Lucky- I feel like the luckiest man in the world, I even say it aloud, I then drop the soap slip on it, crack my head, and knock my toothbrush into the toilet.

12. Tourist- I feel like a stranger from another bathroom visiting and using the one I’m in.

If you are wondering why I was in the shower for the duration of 53.3 minutes, I will offer this excuse, it takes 49.5 minutes exactly for me to cum.

Fat Bitch and Her Wardrobe

by Antichrist

Why does that fat bitch's shorts have "Bling Bling" written on her ass cheeks?

-Ohh, she fought in the Korean War. She got two bullets lodged in her subcutaneous tissue.

Are you serious?

-No. She's actually selling advertisement space to two Japanese business tycoons

Really?

-Haha, no. What happened was, she ate a piece of coal thinking it was one of The California Raisin characters. That was one of her life goals. Anyway, after she digested the coal, she shit out a diamond.

I didn't know you could do that. So that's the story.

-Just kidding. Really she was bending down to pick up a coupon for a free McRib, outside of an industrial building. A strip of aluminum siding fell off of the building and got stuck in her anus.

Ouch, that must have torn the ass version of her hymen.

-Fella that was ripped apart after her first trip to Taco Bell.

Finding the coupon must have been bittersweet, since she had something clogging her ass. But I don't understand why her shorts say "Bling Bling."

-She got an insurance settlement of a cool mil.

Finally a story I believe.

By The Numbers

83% of kids featured on boxes of Life cereal die within the calendar year of their appearance

By the year 2010, there will be 0 albinos due to economic feasibility

1 proposed amendment to the latest immigration bill, to get rid of Carlos Mencia

30% chance this blog will have an essay about how either 9-11 or the Holocaust didn't happen, to see if anyone is reading these entries

4% chance of seeing a real alien in your lifetime

100% chance of seeing an alien in a Spielberg movie
-AC

Emo Application

Meh. Morning. Do you like how I did that, do ya? I mean, grumple grumplestiltskin. I feel I'm qualified to be considered emo. See how emotional I can get, I let my feelings dance on a palate of death.

What, by applying to be emo, I don't even get it. Well, listen to this. I have a sunny disposition, but I can change that from here on out. I have a lot of black shirts. I'm really good in the kitchen, so I think that will transfer well to cutting myself.

I wrote a poem once about a guy dying in a vat of chocolate. It wasn't dark chocolate though, I guess that would've helped. I melt when I hear Karma Chameleon by Culture Club, in like a painful way. It has 11 play counts on my iTunes because I'm into to masochism.

I'm nowhere close? Sometimes I put True Colors by Cyndi Lauper on repeat. Yes! I should have known that was all I needed to say!
-AC

Carter Takes Back "Careless" Remark

Upon leaving a Cuthbert, Georgia Huddle House on Saturday, Fmr. President Jimmy Carter was quoted as saying, "I think as far as bad taste among types of drinks, this coffee was the worst in history."

The remark was largely overlooked, until word got back to the restaurant.

Huddle House owner Kathy Dawson was quick to lash out: "I think he is proving to be increasingly irrelevant with these kinds of comments."

Later, when asked about his criticisms, Carter said, "They were maybe careless or misinterpreted." He also admitted, "I was not comparing the coffee to every other coffee ever brewed. Also I was not talking personally about any restaurant owners."

Locals are confused with his apology for the remark, as they share his disdain for the current coffee. As it stands now, the restaurant goers will not seek change, and will thus wait until next year when a Korean will take over the Huddle House.
-AC