Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Tom From Myspace To Record Single

If your number one friend came out with an album, wouldn't you buy it? Thirty-one year old Tom Anderson hopes this is true for his 159 million friends. He got his first foot through the music business door by starting Myspace Records, and now looks to pursue a solo career.

Tom's single, "Lonely at the Top" was produced by Chris Martin of Coldplay. He hopes to release it on iTunes this week, as well as place it on the upcoming Myspace Records compilation disk.

In what most see as a marketing experiment, Tom's first song is strictly "funk rock." On his future genre choices and inspiration: "My next song will most likely be funk rock, and then coming back from the sophomore slump, I'll give the people what they want, funk rock. Whatever I decide, I'll stay true to the music, and try to cater to each of my friends."

"I want to be like Jay-Z, in that I can sustain my label and solo career, as well as put my songs on other peoples' albums. I want that bitch Tila Tequila to be my Memphis Bleek," Tom said.

Coincidentally, Jay-Z was one of the few who were invited to a special playing of the single at Tom's recording studio in Santa Monica. "The kids got chops. I mean he ain't a kid, but thirty's the new twenty. I'd sign his ass in a New York second, give him my Young Hov blessin. Jigga!" said the Def Jam CEO.

"Lonely at the Top" focuses on what Tom calls "having too many friends to please." It also chronicles his hatred for Facebook in the lyric "Why did Facebook have to take away my audience / Now I'm left with child predators and chicks that don't exist."

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Female Cougar, You Don't Have To Put On The Red Light

Auto body shop owner Bud Hollensworth was called upon to remove a dead, 5-foot-long python from the dashboard of a car.
Sam Jackson has signed on to play Mr. Hollensworth in the movie adaptation.

Chicago oldest registered voter, Amazon Brooks died this week at age 109. What came as little surprise, Barack Obama lost 100% of his support in the 107+ demographic.

In Alhambra, California, artists featured in a Chinese New Year exhibit at City Hall removed their works after the city banished a piece depicting Mao Zedong next to George Washington. The city said it was pulled because some observers found it offensive.
John Ashcroft however, only wanted to cover up the zedong.

Police are warning of a 200-pound plus woman who heartily embraces men coming out of downtown Buffalo bars and steals their wallets. Dozens of men say they've been victims of the "Hugging Bandit."
No sketch has been drawn up, as all the victims were looking away with their eyes closed.

Newborns exposed to low levels of a chemical used to produce Teflon weigh slightly less and have smaller heads than other babies.
They also grow up to become rappers.

A man faced misdemeanor charges after police found a monkey, an alligator, a tarantula and six piranhas in his home.
He argued that he was trying to find the answer to the age old question: What do you get when you put a monkey, an alligator, a tarantula and six piranhas in a room? You get a misdemeanor.

Biologist determined that a female cougar that was caught in a bobcat trap, was singlehandedly responsible for the increase in the species over the past few years.
The cougar lived in northwestern North Dakota, was 10 years old, and was a whore.

Monday, February 26, 2007

Carrey Continues Playing Number Games

Jim Carrey's The Number 23 opened in theaters last weekend, grossing $14.6 million, enough to come in second place behind Ghost Rider. What comes as a surprise is that another Joel Schumacher production is in the works, also starring Carrey.

The thriller, titles The 7 Day Theory features Carrey as a Tupac enthusiast who searches to find the truth about the rapper's "murder." In the story, Carrey finds a spiral notebook containing facts about Tupac's life that have to deal with the number 7. For instance, Tupac "died" at age 25 (2+5=7). Furthermore, he was "born" on February 16. February is the 2nd month, add that to 1 and 6, and you get 9. Subtract that by the 2 in 2Pac, and you get 7. When asked about the relevance, the director Schumacher was quoted as asking, "Do you see?"

The movie revolves around the belief that Tupac is in fact alive, and will eventually return. In a deviation from normal roles, Carrey hopes to: "Get back the fans I've lost since Living Color." Signed on as a supporting cast is Ruben Studdard as Biggie's ghost, and Val Kilmer as Carrey's best friend who doesn't support the quest for the truth.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

The Pope, A-Rod, and Crazy People

In Maine, a plan by Gov. Baldacci to cut funding to mental health service providers came under sharp attack at a legislative budget hearing. Some in the audience were dressed in black to signal their distress at the proposed reductions.
Others dressed in straight jackets to signal that the plan was crazy.

KFC president Gregg Dedrick sent a letter to Pope Benedict XVI, asking him to lend his personal seal of approval for the new Fish Snacker item "as a way for members of your flock to keep a holy Lenten season."
The Pope was not reached, as he was too busy praying for everyone who has eaten a McGriddle.

Estonia plans to become the first nation to allow Internet voting in national parliament elections.
As expected in online voting, Yao Ming was the highest vote getter.

Brussels Airlines is adding a 14th dot to its logo after superstitious customers in the USA and Italy complained. "They think it brings them bad luck," said Geert Sciot, spokesman for the new Belguim-based airline.
In response, Spirit airlines checked to make sure there were not exactly 13 holes on any of their planes.

On Monday, Alex Rodriguez asked to make a contract with the media that if they stop asking him about teammate Derek Jeter, he'll stop lying to them.
The tentative contract will pay him $1.4 million per interview.

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Antichrist's Warning of the Week: Your Own Street

Philadelphia Mayor John Street is not selling his children, instead a poor Hungarian village is selling street names for anyone with $511 to spare. The name of the street will not be altered for 300 years. The catch is that Hungarian law states that a street cannot be named after someone living.

Is buying a street in the village of Ivad, a ticket to an early grave (a la taking TrimSpa or an airplane with Richie Valens and Buddy Holly). Both too soon. Anyhow this scheme reminds me of a movie rental place that sold me a lifetime membership and promptly moved out. They would have probably moved out right when I gave them the money, and would have been happy with their profit.

Immortality for 5 benjis and a case of Rolling Rock? Would you pay for a street to be remembered, when you die and everyone who knew you dies? I would want to be around and enjoy it, throwing it wildly into conversation. I could however buy a street and name it and I could see the purchase go effect when the website dies (sometime around spring break).

The mayor hopes to attract stars to lend their name: "If, for example Barbra Streisand, whom I like a lot, has no street named after her, she may decide to have one in our village." I think the most likely famous buyer is Stephen Colbert. He loves that kind of stuff. Extending his celebrity to the poorest of countries.

Monday, February 12, 2007

PBS Top Ten

President Bush is reopening the fight over government support of public television, unveiling a 2007 government fiscal year budget that would cut federal funding for the Corporation for Public Broadcasting by nearly 25 percent. Link

Top Ten Ways PBS Will Have To Cut Back On Spending
by Antichrist

10. Carmen Sandiego can only travel the continental United States

9. To save money on costume cleaning, Sesame Street will now have Relatively Large Bird

8. Antiques Roadshow loses its travel budget and has to record all shows from Flea Market Montgomery

7. Charlie Rose interviews an ambassador of a model UN

6. ZOOM can still be made by kids, but it has to be for everybody

5. Tavis Smiley interviews the stars of Zyzzyx Road

4. Bob Ross' The Joy of Painting is edited to have 15 less happy little trees

3. Educational shows only have enough funding to teach kids to count to 7

2. Reading Rainbow loses the rights to all authors except Joan Didion

1. It's economical for Bert and Ernie to apply for a civil union

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Minotaur Man's Life Lessons #'s 1 and 2

Few people have had such an experience of being knocked unconscious. I have a pretty unique experience when it comes to this topic. One day I found myself in a fit of hunger at 3 in the morning, so I work my way down the steps, across the squeaky floor, across another squeaky floor, and finally across a squeaky kitchen floor. I reach my destination, the fridge, I search the fridge for anything that will provide minor nourishment, and all I see is fucking ketchup and fucking applesauce. I take the apple sauce with a grain of salt, because naturally I like all my food with exactly one grain of salt in it, then open the fridge. Much to my dismay the applesauce ends its short, saucy, little life all over my kitchen floor. I bend down to pick up the desecrated applesauce from my tiled floor, then for some strange reason I get the superhuman ability to stand up 4x faster than the speed of sound. There are two problems with this newfound ability, one the freezer door is still open, and two once you are knocked unconscious this ability mysteriously disappears. So what I am trying to say through extreme sarcasm is I stood up really fast and smashed my head on the freezer door above knocking myself unconscious for a couple minutes. When I come to I am confused, then I look up at the open freezer door, and everything comes flooding back. I look around “Good no one saw” I think to myself, then slowly rise; I grab another applesauce and quietly walk back to my room in a daze. Life lesson #1 remember to always close open doors that are above your head, life lesson #2 if your going to have a super power make it something cool, because having the ability to stand quickly is lame.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Shroom Burger with a Side of Shrooms

College is a place for new and unique experiences. As you’ve probably figured out by reading the title, the “Experience” I am referring too is the consumption of psychedelic mushrooms. What an experience it was, here are my scattered thoughts that I had while in the frenzy of the shroom.

11:10pm in someone’s room

The shrooms were divided among the four of us.

1. Irish

2. Little John- not the rapper

3. Me

4. Chris

Irish is the first to eat a cap; he says “It tastes like dirt.” “Dirt you say” I respond, upon stating this we all went into a feeding frenzy of sorts, and devoured our shrooms in mere seconds. Irish the states we must go to a person’s apartment to write a speech.

11:30pm Alyssa’s apartment

I found out whose apartment it was, I’m starting to feel funny like someone turned on the laughing gas full blast. Suddenly I grow a Charlie Brown type smile, or you could say I was all teeth. I decide to grip a cactus in my right hand; I hold it for a minute and immediately regret such a decision. After Little John gets done pulling out the tiny quills imbedded in my hand we decide to explore new horizons.

12:00am Chris’ room

I pester Chris for a bowl; I am finally gratified when I get the bowl in my hands. I am laughing hysterically about nothing, I move to my room. Guitar sounds amazing; I get preoccupied with some of my posters for a while. Then I move to another apartment to find the others. I wander into a dark room filled with people, this is strange to me for some reason, visualizations play on the TV, and a heavy metal band plays in the background. Little John is fascinated by the visualization features on the X-Box 360; it allows you to control the motion of the camera on the screen. I hear laughter from one of the rooms, my spidey senses tell me that I am in store for a lot of doobage.

12:30am-12*&!@??//?! Smoke Filled Room

Wha… I fade in and out of some weird trance, strange thoughts fill my head. I am delving deep into my sub conscious thinking about existence. I exit the smoke filled room with a burst of deep throated laughter. I stumble into Little John’s room. My eyes catch an inflatable Brian (from Family Guy) safety flotation device, at least that’s what I think it is. I grab it and notice the strange sensation of wetness, Little John walks in the room and I loose it “Eww what did you do with this thing, take a fucking bath with it” I throw it at him in anger. He looks at me and says “Dude this shit isn’t wet at all, in fact it’s quite dry” I am taken aback by this statement, the sensation of wetness was an illusion brought on by the shrooms. I sit for a while and time seems to pass by quickly, I am completely detached from my body, it sounds scary, but it actually was quite enjoyable. People keep coming and going in and out of the apartment, I rise to my feet and head back to my apartment. All four of us gather in the living room, Irish Chris and I are on the couch and Little John is standing in the center of the room. He says he is some type of philosopher, and then he explains how he is seeing everything with the perspective of a camera on a free faller’s helmet cam. We continued to discuss religion and topics of strange deepness, and I never quite heard an expression like “I don’t give a kippers dick” until that night. That had me thinking, “What the fuck is a kipper” and to this very day I still have no idea. After what seemed like 3 days the shroom high had begun to fade and we were left sober, explaining what had just happened to our bodies and our perception. All in all, I thoroughly enjoyed the experience, maybe I’ll take more next time, I want to see Paul Bunyan and his blue donkey riding through the fray of battle next time, even though Paul was in fact a peaceful man, except for when it came to trees.

Minotaur Man

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Peyton Manning Is A Loser

by Antichrist

Of course I don't mean the MVP of the Super Bowl, I mean the drunk ass formerly known as Scott Wiese. He's a die-hard Bears fan that said he'd change his name to Peyton Manning if the Colts beat them in the Super Bowl. Good thing Marques Tuiasosopo isn't on the team.

I could imagine myself saying something like this as a joke. Some things that Scott Wiese did that I wouldn't do were: drunkly signing a petition outside of the bar and getting 15 minutes of fame off a gimmick by following through with the bet.

One obvious benefit is telling drunk chicks that you're Peyton Manning (which you could essentially have work with any athlete's name, except John Amaechi).

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Turn Off Your iPod, Look Both Ways

by Antichrist

Starting today, Albany pedestrians will be fined $100 if caught crossing a city street while listening to an iPod.

I've been deliberating over the correct word to describe this law, and here it is: Bogus. Short and simple, Muggsy Bogus. I agree that having your iPod in puts you at risk in the year 2007. Maybe I'm just a risk taker. I say bring back the Evil Knievel era, so that I don't feel like I'm living on the edge when I smoke crack or don't use a rubber.

I actually feel more safe walking across the street with my iPod than on the sidewalk. People in bikes will sneak up on me (usually high-wheel bikes), and I put both of us at risk when I flail my arms to the drum solo of Moby Dick. Maybe the police should take into account what kind of music you were listening to. They would love this, because it would be another way to discriminate. Listening to Skid Row would probably put you at optimal levels of awareness, whereas Ravi Shankar will place a target for oncoming traffic. If I got hit by a car while listening to Ravi Shankar, I'd be like "It's all good my brother. Go in peace until I see you in the next life."

I also feel that there are more distracting things when you are walking across the street like the mesmorizing walk stick figure. Maybe Albany should ban women from wearing midriff-bearing attire if they plan on crossing the street. Or in a memorable case, any large breasted blonde wearing an A&W root beer t-shirt. Walking into a car, shit I could have walked into an obelisk, which is ironic because I had one in my pants. I had just gotten back from the Victory Obelisk in Moscow, and had bought a souvenir. Actually when I was drunk I did walk into the actual obelisk, but that's a story for a different date, were it not for me just telling the story now.

A terrible idea? Vitally important for pedestrian safety? It is good to see Albany putting people first, much like Portland, Oregon does (second being public transportation, third is cars). $100 for each offense, the government won't know what to do with all of them. Or maybe they will.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

It's Legal, But Not In The US

by Antichrist

In a story that will only tantalize teens that love Phish, beluga caviar is now legal, but only overseas. While it is still relatively easy to score some in America, albeit with rising prices, officials expect an influx of travelers to one of the five Caspian countries. This is mainly due to the desire to walk right up to a cop and eat beluga caviar in his face.

What is surprising is that environmentalists are against the legalization. Stereotypes insist they like to sit around in a circle and pass the bowl off to their friends. If they were to indulge, a minor still finds it easier to get his hands on some beluga caviar than a bottle of corona.

A message to caviar-heads: If the issue comes up in a vote, try to remember to make it there. I know how easy you guys forget things.

Monday, February 05, 2007

Antichrist's Warning of the Week: Wookiee Nipple Pinchy

The man on the left, Brian Sapir, is a tour guide that got a Wookiee angry. Angry enough that the Chewbacca impersonator kept his crossbow tucked away in his wooly Wookiee fur, and dealt a head-butt.

There are several warnings in this tale. First this guy had it coming. I'd give him a head-butt even if he didn't do anything to me. The way he's pursing his lips and arguing with Chewy; not cool with me. He also probably wouldn't like being called Tapir, because he's not a fan of Space Odyssey.

Second warning: don't come out of character. The Chewy impersonator said, "Nobody tells this Wookiee what to do." Pretty cool quote before going Zinedine Zidane on someone's ass, but nowhere near Wookiee dialect. It all started after he was harassing Chinese tourists. The problem is: Chewy is noted as being good friends with mysterious creatures under four feet.

The third and final warning is using your police humor to joke about the situation. The police lieutenant was quoted as saying, "The lesson here is you can have the force with you. You just can't use illegal force." Keep your cop humor where it belongs, in the prisons torturing inmates.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Emoboy39 Web Log

My day was tortured by the days of a thousand martyrs. I sent shadowed thoughts to everyone who harmed me today.

For about a week now I've been planning out how I'm going to talk to Janice, the hottest girl in school. I've been froogling books that have witty pickup lines. You're So Fine, I'd Drink a Tub of Your Bathwater is coming in 3-5 business days.

But I couldn't wait said shipping time.

She walked by my desk today, and I said Hey J.

No one calls her J! Where in the comforting pits of hell did that come from? And the way I said "hey" aw it was so bad. Old people (whom I hate) would think I said it like Fonzi. Cool kids (whom I hate) would think I said it like Young Jeezy. Either way, it came out like "A."

So the recap is that my queen of darkness Janice walks by my desk, and I say A J of all things. She starts to laugh as well as everyone in the room. I tried to talk to Janice, and I said my own fucking name.

Now everybody at school is calling me a Pokey-man. The world is so fake. They say Pokey-man, like they're too cool to know it's pronounced Pokemon. Like they didn't have the red, blue, and gold versions. Like they didn't take their cards to Burger King to trade. Until I evolve into something that can destroy my foes, this has been Emoboy39.