Cardinal Attempts To Return To Majors As Bat Boy

by Antichrist

After bouts of extreme wildness caused him to give up pitching, and a future career in the minor leagues made him stop being an outfielder, St. Louis Cardinal Rick Ankiel hopes to get back to the majors by whatever means necessary.

Upon the forced retirement of portly youngster Matthew McGwire (steroids), the bat boy position is open, and Ankiel is not taking his try out lightly. In the current, highly competitive world of bat boyism, the 27-year-old, 6'1" Ankiel hardly stands out. Ankiel was however, one of the few camp invites that was able to lift Albert Pujols' bat.

"I'd do anything to get back to The Show," Ankiel said. "Since I signed straight out of high school, being a hot dog vendor is out of the question. Hell, I could barely count my wild pitches back in the day."

Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa supports Ankiel's decision, and praises his determination. "With his type of talent, I could see him stepping out on the field soon," he said. "We'll obviously start him working during batting practices to get his confidence up."

Unfortunately for Ankiel, equipment manager Rip Rowan does not share LaRussa's optimism. "This is a guy who is past his prime. He has a history of elbow injuries and back spasms. How will he handle the 40 bend downs a game that a bat boy averages? Trust me, I've counted!"