Barney Goes To Southeast Junior High School

School Bans Hugging

by Antichrist

Principal Deb Wretman: Well I was told I would have a special visitor today, and the name Carey Stinson didn't ring any bells. Nice to meet you Barney, I mean Mr. Stinson. Ha ha, it's hard not to call you Barney when you're wearing the suit.

Barney: Golly Ms. Wretman I want to get down to business. You fuckin took away the kids' right to hug each other.

Principal: That was a decision that stemmed from girls creating traffic in the hallways. The average hug is between three to five seconds. The dynamics of the act can be sustained...

Barney: Don't give me this scientific bullshit. For all you know, I invented the hug.

Principal: Mr. Stinson, please calm down.

Barney: I'm calmer than you are, dude.

Principal: Will you just take it easy?

Barney: Calmer than you are.

Principal: I appreciate all that you've done for kids, but...Close the door Howard. This stays in this room. It's more than just the hallway traffic with hugs.

Barney: Oh?

Principal: We really just don't want to ship out girls with lick-her licenses. We are in Iowa.

Barney: Now that ain't right. Sharing is caring bitch.

Principal: What? I don't see how that applies.

Barney: It's not right that you had sexual undertones in your decision.

Principal: Coming from a guy who had a sidekick named B.J.

Barney: You leave Superhead out of this...I mean BJ the dinosaur.

Principal: Show me what you got baby.

Barney: Bitch I should tear this place down, and leave you as Barney's Rubble.