Saturday, December 16, 2006


by Antichrist

I have come to believe that plotting revenge would be a very rewarding endeavor. I have however, neither the worthy receipient of this revenge, nor the cold heart. My heart is capable of only campy teen movie revenge, and this obviously will not do. I could come up with a plan to have paint dropped on a teacher I don't like. Too campy. I could pull down the pants of the school bully. Can you say Campylobacter? I could be a secretary that gets back at his boss who looks like Tina Fey, and with whom he has sexual tension with, by fucking boning her completely. Too Dilbert-erotica-esque.

However, if my heart were a bit colder (maybe if I had a dysfunctional semilunar valve or something) I would dream about plotting revenge that was on some extensive multi-year to come to fruition shit. It would have to be long enough, so that when I forgot about the whole thing, I would be suprised about my past genius. With my heavy drug intake, that would be about two weeks. Just kidding. It's really more like two days.

My plan would need an element of the person I would be plotting revenge on (for the sake of space, let's say Bill Paxton) waking up without knowing where they were. It would be crucial that Bill Paxton didn't learn a life lesson from the whole experience.

I would need some traps/torture, but I realize I'm not witty enough, so I would consult Method Man on the intricacies of the torture art form. He would give me a list of things, and I could cross them off one by one. Better yet, I would have them ordered to be done, so I could cross them off while I was on an airplane.

If I was ever found out, I would quickly give myself up in order to have my genius plot be admired (a la Sideshow Bob or Bond villians).

I would spill the beans to everyone how I held Bill Paxton captive for five years, and hypnotized him into falling in love with his then 15 year old daughter, Lydia.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

this was a good one
-john mellencamp

6:02 PM  

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