Tuesday, January 02, 2007

The Tunnel of Love

Overweight woman gets stuck in tunnel and traps 22 tourists

My imagination took over when I read the headline. I immediately thought that a fat lady went into a cave and took people hostage. Maybe because I watched The Negotiator a couple nights ago. I guess you can't get out the way you came in The Tunnel of Love. That's weirdly poetic. In other terms, if the tunnel was Mario Kart, you couldn't race the track in reverse.

The story wasn't as funny without a devious plot, but the article did say that the rescuers gave chocolate bars to the tourists. It didn't say that they gave any to the trapped fat woman. She was probably unhappy about that, but it wouldn't help her get unstuck. Mainly because, and allow me to use an analogy,

Fat Lady : Chocolate :: Popeye : Spinach.

I'm probably losing half of my blog audience, so why not go for the other half, sexual deviants.

Mannequin fetishist could get life

This 39 year old guy, Ronald Dotson, smashes the windows to get the mannequins he desires, and I'm assuming fucks them without a rubber. Because as we all know you don't need one, if that's what their vagina is made out of. That's assuming that they were rubber mannequins, and not plastic ones, which don't have as much give. Also plastic mannequins are known to spout these out:

And the worst thing is you can't get an abortion because plastic surgeons aren't licensed to give them.

My favorite part of the story was that they found "him in an alley behind a woman's store with three lingerie-clad mannequins." These are three nice girls all with jobs, why can't you just take them home and show them a good time. If he treats them like real women, the police should lock him up for rape. [/Colbertian tongue in cheek line]

He'll probably regret it all while he's spending the jail time. Maybe he's on some Mr. Magoo shit and he thought they were humans. That's a storyline that I guarantee was thrown out during a writer's meeting.

To not offend anyone and retain readers: I'm sure all of the overweight woman's hostage demands were met, and Victoria's Secret has hot mannequins.

-AC

3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ha Ha! That was a hilarious post you put in for the Bestest Blog Carnival 1.3! Very well written!

Keep up the good work!

9:35 PM  
Blogger Goat Singer Of Alpha Centauri said...

Thanks.

12:23 AM  
Blogger heather said...

what the hell was that fat bitch doing in the tunnel of love we all know she wasnt getting no love she probably thought it was the tunnel of fudge.lol o n the victoria secret has hot manniquens i would do them if i had a dick.lol

10:07 PM  

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