Sunday, August 06, 2006

The Bug

First let me ask you this, how do you handle a bug encounter? Some say, crush the fuckers, those people will go on to be serial killers, others say let it live but throw it outside, and still others say, wha what the fucks a bug. The other day I had a combination of all 3, I was lying in my bed, falling in and out of consciousness when suddenly using my peripherals, an apparently tiny ass bug was making its way slowly to the foot of my bed. I didn't even care but as it got further and further into my primary vision the bug was actually quite large, I started to stare at it wondering if the shit was real or just some strange sleep deprived fantasy. It was real, I was thinking let it go, but as it got further and further out of my sight I hopped up. Shit I thought, what can I kill this fucker with, I look around and spot the book “Killing Yourself To Live" no I thought I'm still reading it, and I know for damn sure I don't want bug gust splattered on page 97, cus that's the page I'd use. I look for another swatting utensil, the bible, oh wait shit, is that a sacrilege, then I start reciting bible passages, Zachariah 4:18 Thou shalt not take thy father's book and crush dem buggies up son, or (This guy's name was Jesus) Sirach 66:6 Respect all creatures especially arthropods, that's my personal favorite verse. In the meantime this bug is making it's way to the underside of my bed, then I found it, Mr. McFadden's 12th grade hamlet packet, thicker than the hobbit and return of the king put together, fuck you Guildenstern I cried as I swatted away missing on the first strike and hitting on the next 17. Good it's dead, the bug I had dubbed Guildenstern went out like a bit... suddenly it started moving again. This time I wasn't playing any games I quickly grabbed a machete then chopped down on Gildy wildly. After 6 strikes he stopped moving, good now I can cremate him. I put his carcass on the top of the machete and held my lighter up to him; suddenly Gildy jumped up and started wriggling around. I stood up quickly, and ran out of my room to the bathhouse (bathroom) as I like to call it. I dropped him in the toilet as I like to call it, and pushed the plunger as I like to call it, but wait I didn't see the large black mass of bug get sucked into the abyss. Gildy wasn't dead, he was probably clinging to the under rim of my toilet bowl, that's one gangsta ass bug. Upon writing this I see now that Gildy probably didn't deserve all the Vietnamese prisoner torture, but he did deserve the flush as I like to call it. People be careful next time you encounter a larger than average bug, otherwise you may feel the wrath of Gildy after he fully recovers from 7 years of flushing and taco shits.
-Minotaur Man


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