Fat Bitch and Her Wardrobe

by Antichrist

Why does that fat bitch's shorts have "Bling Bling" written on her ass cheeks?

-Ohh, she fought in the Korean War. She got two bullets lodged in her subcutaneous tissue.

Are you serious?

-No. She's actually selling advertisement space to two Japanese business tycoons

Really?

-Haha, no. What happened was, she ate a piece of coal thinking it was one of The California Raisin characters. That was one of her life goals. Anyway, after she digested the coal, she shit out a diamond.

I didn't know you could do that. So that's the story.

-Just kidding. Really she was bending down to pick up a coupon for a free McRib, outside of an industrial building. A strip of aluminum siding fell off of the building and got stuck in her anus.

Ouch, that must have torn the ass version of her hymen.

-Fella that was ripped apart after her first trip to Taco Bell.

Finding the coupon must have been bittersweet, since she had something clogging her ass. But I don't understand why her shorts say "Bling Bling."

-She got an insurance settlement of a cool mil.

Finally a story I believe.

By The Numbers

83% of kids featured on boxes of Life cereal die within the calendar year of their appearance

By the year 2010, there will be 0 albinos due to economic feasibility

1 proposed amendment to the latest immigration bill, to get rid of Carlos Mencia

30% chance this blog will have an essay about how either 9-11 or the Holocaust didn't happen, to see if anyone is reading these entries

4% chance of seeing a real alien in your lifetime

100% chance of seeing an alien in a Spielberg movie
-AC

Emo Application

Meh. Morning. Do you like how I did that, do ya? I mean, grumple grumplestiltskin. I feel I'm qualified to be considered emo. See how emotional I can get, I let my feelings dance on a palate of death.

What, by applying to be emo, I don't even get it. Well, listen to this. I have a sunny disposition, but I can change that from here on out. I have a lot of black shirts. I'm really good in the kitchen, so I think that will transfer well to cutting myself.

I wrote a poem once about a guy dying in a vat of chocolate. It wasn't dark chocolate though, I guess that would've helped. I melt when I hear Karma Chameleon by Culture Club, in like a painful way. It has 11 play counts on my iTunes because I'm into to masochism.

I'm nowhere close? Sometimes I put True Colors by Cyndi Lauper on repeat. Yes! I should have known that was all I needed to say!
-AC

Carter Takes Back "Careless" Remark

Upon leaving a Cuthbert, Georgia Huddle House on Saturday, Fmr. President Jimmy Carter was quoted as saying, "I think as far as bad taste among types of drinks, this coffee was the worst in history."

The remark was largely overlooked, until word got back to the restaurant.

Huddle House owner Kathy Dawson was quick to lash out: "I think he is proving to be increasingly irrelevant with these kinds of comments."

Later, when asked about his criticisms, Carter said, "They were maybe careless or misinterpreted." He also admitted, "I was not comparing the coffee to every other coffee ever brewed. Also I was not talking personally about any restaurant owners."

Locals are confused with his apology for the remark, as they share his disdain for the current coffee. As it stands now, the restaurant goers will not seek change, and will thus wait until next year when a Korean will take over the Huddle House.
-AC

John McCain's Finest Hour

Connecting to voters as a straight talker, John McCain has entered what The Wall Street Journal has called his "Finest Hour." While they were speaking of a figurative hour, today from 11:21 AM to 12:21 PM, John McCain very clearly had his literal one.

11:21 -Ends benefit lunch by screaming "Yippee-ki-yay, motherfuckers!"

11:34 - Frees hostages that were unseasonally at a Christmas party.

11:40 - Kills Hans Gruber.

11:52 - Saves his wife from terrorists who took over an airport.

11:53 - Has a press conference about the terrorists before Giuliani can.

12:17 - Runs over glass shards in an attempt to make it to the Senate vote.

12:17 - Realizes he's not going to make it in time.

12:20 - Uses a 3 gallon jug and a 5 gallon jug to put exactly 4 gallons of rum in a jug for the post-vote party.
-AC

Rap About My High School Spanish Teacher

by Antichrist

When asked cierto o falso, I never pick pseduo
S'why I didn't fail any Spanish tests by Mr. Muto
Who knew those, questions I answered too slow...
Would raise me to higher levels like a Jew-fro
He'll demote you like Pluto, if you talk in class
Need to take a piss, he'll give 'ya a hallway pass
Students went crazy, he had the balls to laugh
Most kick ass teacher outta all the staff
He was always there 'fa, kids who didn't care 'ta...
Give props to a guy
Who fucked his future wife at her Quinceañera

Fucka Shaq and Kobe

Someone tagged my house today in garnet and gold. I wonder who did it? You don't have to be Mickey Spillane to figure out it was a Florida State Seminole fan. I cannot contribute a full blog entry, as I'm on some Michael Madsen in Kill Bill shit, waiting with a shotgun full of enough rock salt to take down Chief Osceola.
-AC

Gov't Takes Away One Of My Favorite Freedoms

I don't mind taking my shoes off at airports. I don't mind quelling my urge to check out the Qur'an from the library, as a way to keep my record clean from the Patriot Act. Neither would fit in the category of my favorite freedoms like the following does: The right to display campy bathroom signs.

These types of signs will be a necessary for the pool hall / Irish bar that I'll work at in my autumn years that will play out like a sitcom with then established actor Jaden Smith.

Being less opinionated than most, I have a hobby of supporting causes ironically, or for some other personal enjoyment. This matter however, may be the one of the only ones that I have based a true opinion. The only other may be when I was a staunch opponent of the Flags For Orphans Bill, of which I do not regret my vote. There is too great a risk of Old Glory touching the ground when put into the hands of irresponsible orphans.

Anywho, campy signs are as American as apple pie or throwing batteries at outfielder J.D. Drew. I implore anyone near Destin, Florida to take a trip to McGuires's Irish Pub to sign the petition to put the signs back up. Join the fight for freedom.

Quick Hit: Biologists in Sacramento tried unsuccessfully to use recorded songs of a humpback whale to lure an injured female back toward the Pacific Ocean. The whale swam away from it, rather than toward it, until the researches realized they were playing a Ruben Studdard CD.
-AC

Troops Denied Myspace

This post is livicated to our brave soldiers - AC Link

When accessing the Defense Department's network, soldiers have been banned from going on certain sites like myspace, youtube, pandora, and mtv. What teenager would want to join the army now? Who could fight without knowing songs that sounded like songs you like. Or even more importantly, would you have confidence going against enemies, when you don't know that Flea Market Montgomery is just like, is just like a mini-mall.

Unfortunately, they didn't block blogger, so I still have the competition from the front line, attracting all the girls that dig a guy in uniform. More specifically, one of the US army. Which sucks because I was going to take pics of myself wearing a uniform a borrowed; my neighbor's WWII Nazi attire.

Banning their blogs would be a more logical choice. I rarely visit the 13 sites that they blocked (YouTube, Metacafe, IFilm, StupidVideos, FileCabi, MySpace, BlackPlanet, Hi5, Pandora, MTV, 1.fm, live365, Photobucket). Well, you don't have valuable information to share, you say. Through a series of hidden messages (mainly the word tranny), I've helped Ethiopia in their conflict with Somalia.

Will soldiers become more productive now that they can't get their myspace fix? I think some will experience withdraw symptoms; those that aren't members of facebook, anyway.

Any Day, Any Food

My son will kick your son's ass in an eating contest. I would tell you my son can eat faster than any human his age, but I'm not sure that's correct, because I've trained a beast! I know you're too much of a pussy to try my techniques, so I'll indulge you.

Some times I won't let him eat for two days. Then I'll put him in a room with a table full of food, and tell him he only has ten minutes to eat. You've never seen anyone eat so fast. He'll set a slower pace today, but he'll still wipe the floor with your excuse for a son.

The name of the game is watermelons today, punk. My son's stomach can hold two full watermelons easily. That's not even a factor. What we've been working on is spitting seeds, hahaha. Right now he can make it in a cup ten feet away. He made seven in a row last night. They got a bucket here for seeds, little bigger target.

Why don't you tell him to aim for your big mouth.

Oh, well that does it! After this competition, I'm gonna get my son to bite off your dick!
-AC

Fate is a Dick Tease

I'll let that simmer, and write about an unrelated topic.

I am a giddy schoolgirl for the future Comedy Central pilot "Michael Ian Black Doesn't Understand." Michael Showalter is co-executive producer, I'm glad to see him involved in some way. My excitement for Black's "Wedding Daze" which he wrote and directed, will reach it's peak when I put it on my favorite movies list before it comes out.

Anywho, I realized that in today's world of drought (scientifically proven, we gets no rain here) and global warming (mostly bullshit) the worst thing to do is to use water to melt ice. It's fun to do, I know, but it's the worst thing you can do.

Woah big shot, you say it's not as bad as feeding Taco Bell to a cow? Well, I grasp the ethical concept of the cow eating its own species (which us humans are not yet sold on); that might get the argument some points. That cow will be farting like crazy too. I agree it's a pretty bad thing to do. But is it worse?

Those cow farts are all mumbo jumbo atmosphere shit. Wasting water to get rid of water is worse. You see, I'm a farmer from Nebraska, and I've heard stories about there being a shit ton of water on both sides of the great US of A. But until I see them for myself, I'll go with the water I see with my peepers, which ain't a lot.

Oh yea, fuck ice sculptures too. Unless it's of the great Nebraska quarterback Eric Crouch.
-AC

Diary Entry Of An Exterminator Who Just Found Out That He Was Born Into A Family Of Bugs

by Antichrist

May 14, 2187

What an eye opening day! I now know why I could never get in touch with my birth parents. Ever since I could remember I lived in an empty house. I never questioned how I was continually fed and cared for. I was probably around 7 when I realized that there were two big bugs in my house. Each was over five feet tall, but I killed them and didn't think anything of it. After that I went to live in an orphanage.

I went on this heritage site today, and I saw two bugs listed as my parents. I don't know how they figured that out, but it all makes sense. I don't really understand it. I don't have any bug qualities, except that I am attracted to light.

Anyway, that instance with killing my parents and all, is what may have subconsciously made me want to be an exterminator. I enjoy the job, but now I feel guilty about getting paid to kill aunts.

150th Post: Mother's Day Tribute

...to culinary goddess Rachael Ray.

There was a time when my attorney, Einstein Parker, cast me in a poor light for my budding interest in the celebrity chef. The conversation ended when I said I would cuddle afterwards. Actually, that was followed by my saying that men spoon. My attorney might have called her clingy or needy. Shit, man! I'm not sure. I aim to create an open dialogue on the subject.

From the time of Julia Child's passing until the advent of Rachael Ray's television career, it was hard to find a strong, sultry woman who you could count on to be dexterous with her tools, and to have a bottle of tequila in her kitchen. No longer do you have to squint while watching Emeril.

I believe that she will age with grace, and I have two solid references to give you a mental picture. First she'll look very similar to how she does now, but with a small gray streak in her hair. Think Kate Beckinsale in Click. However she will be a nagging wife in the tune of Lorraine Bracco in Goodfellas.

I watched some of her show. During it, she used the phrase "chicky wickies," which I thought was hot since I have a Clockwork Orange fetish.

In closing I would:
1) Railroad Rachael Ray
2) Ramrod Rachael Ray
0r
3) Enjoy some rest and relaxation with Rachael Ray


Your thoughts
-AC

Party Idea: Trannies

I think the best ideas are the ones that are first pitched with: Ok, before you say anything, hear me out.

After seeing enough (my favorite word used as a substitute for a number you don't want to divulge) Maury episode with trannies, I'm aware of how fun it is to see people getting tricked. The fact that I would get about half of the 'man or woman' quizzes wrong, is the reason why my friends don't let me down a Vietnamese side street alone with a fist full of 5 dollar bills.

First invite the trannies to your party. Ideally you would know a few. Then you can tell the people that you want to be in on it. This would be a party where you would want to invite your mortal enemy. Keep in mind it is unlikely to get David Faustino on short notice.

All the rest is gravy. Fun should ensue, unless David Faustino walks in and asks why there are a bunch of trannies at the party you said was off the hizzy fo shizzy (the only way you could get him to come, as well as saying you invited a cameraman from The Insider).
-AC

High School To Change Motto

by Antichrist

Westside High School of Anytown, Florida has officially changed it's motto. No longer will the phrase "A Tradition to Excel" represent the school. After a measure passed early today, the new motto will be "It's Me Snitches!"

School administrators mainly disproved, but kept their word that the students would be able to decide on the naming. "I'm glad they picked the censored version, not the b-word. We already had Al Sharpton visit us this year," counselor Loretta Linney remarked.

"I don't actually know what it is referencing. Personally I preferred 'We Make It Rain.' It would have been a much more poignant statement," English professor Huck Bigsby quipped.

The students have been quick to change their cheers. Head cheerleader Nya Williams said, "Last year I would move and talk like a robot and say 'Westside...in..the...house.' Now I do the same thing for 'It's Me Snitches!' I'll still yell 'You Know!' though."

Burt Lancaster and Other Thoughts

by Antichrist

Somehow the name Burt Lancaster came into my mind while taking a whiz. When something obscure comes to me, I'll make a guess at it before running to wikipedia. My guess is a 70's actor.

Oh, schnitzel I was right. Anywho, Entenmann's Softee Powdered Popettes look like they are the shit. If it weren't for the "softee" to remind me of my pseudo-diet, half would be gone. My pseudo-diet being to not eat before bed (I'm writing this at 12:30, tremendously efficient in posting nowadays) and to abstain from having multiple dinners. But as I look at the donuts I remember "That's what breakfast's for," sung in Dionne Warwick melody. Eating donuts and cookies for breakfast has kept my spirit young, but my heart elderly. I've also eaten a shit-ton of McGriddles in my day. Fucka McGriddle, McRib is where it's at. October '07 baby. Whooo!. We brought back a lot of the same guys, I think we have a real chance of repeating this year.

I came across Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy yesterday. Some are real funny. The style would be good for a quick one sentence blog post, for when I try to be the most economical with my words, without being trite. Ohh may I never be trite. Anywho, you won't be seeing deep thoughts on this blog. 1) My mind doesn't work that way. 2) It's been done by Phillies announcer Larry Andersen in the form of "Shallow Thoughts." Which are arguably not even the same thing, because they don't have a witty edge.

I miss getting the New York Times on campus. Unabashedly, I miss USA Today as well. I'm too lazy to look up their current polls. I'll never know what percent of Americans love Christmas. So no news for Antichrist. Local news is good in short doses. They're very cloistered though, and by that I mean they have a weakness to electrical attacks. In lieu of national news, they have stories about a postal worker who wouldn't deliver mail to a house because of a threatening cat. Also a story of a man, with one leg and no arms I believe, that led police on a high speed chase.

I've grown weary of my current homepage reddit.com. The stories that come up are interesting sometimes. It's dominated by computer shit, I suppose. If that's what Ubuntu is. It's either some computer shit, or a Japanese shortstop. I see it is an alternative to Windows. Very good.

I watched a little bit of American Idol this week for the first time all season. The only guy left in the contest (the women don't...ahh yes they do concern me. Kelly Clarkson once concerned me) does beatbox effects during every song. It didn't fit too well, being Barry Gibb night, but it was entertaining. What also entertained me was my Barry Gibb impression, which quickly got dumped for my layered and subtle Aaron Neville impression (that I jacked from Horatio Sanz).

As of the past 2 minutes I've become interested in the quality of water in Beijing for the 2008 Olympics. Beijing is spending $160 billion to get itself ready. Why do they care what other people think? That money is good enough for a third of a war. Plus, all of the renovations will make Chicago look bad in it's bid for 2016 Olympics. Good thing they'll have flying cars by then. They can demolish abandoned buildings and fly the debris around until after the Olympics. As a way of bringing the culture of Chicago to the Games, the handle of the Olympic Torch will be fashioned into a shiv.

Fmr. Governor Gray Davis Participates In Food Challenge

by Antichrist

The stakes have been raised. Shortly after Oregon Gov. Ted Kulongoski lived off a food stamp budget for one week, former California Governor Gray Davis was found in the wilderness fending for himself. This is obviously a statement to raise awareness of people living in poverty.

"I'm broke nigga!" joked the former governor.

Davis has recently been named to the DiC Entertainment Board of Directors. "Man I quit that already. I thought I could maybe make a few bucks performing, then I find out it's about cartoons. There's no money in that. I'm broke!"

Clearly Mr. Davis' spirits are still high during his daunting challenge. While he has not made clear when he started the task, his makeup and beard gave the illusion that he has lived in the woods for several weeks.

"At first I thought it was a crazy rapist in the woods that looked like Gray Davis. It turns out it was Gray Davis," observer Melanie Cole said. "Gray Davis raped me."

Similar to an actor sticking with their character while doing interviews, Mr. Davis kept with his story. "I was living the life. I told Mary Carey I'd find a way to make her governor if she had sex with me. And this was after she already had sex with me. I was the man. My whole staff is in the woods with me now. We had to eat Cruz Bustamante though. Very sad."

John Mellencamp Aims For More Commercial Spots

by Antichrist

John Mellencamp's new album Car Songs can be found wherever music is sold, but he doesn't expect you to buy it yet.

Each song on the album runs at 15 seconds, containing two repeated lines about a car brand. Mellencamp has shipped the album to the various companies in a desperate ploy to get them to add it to their commercials.

"I'm a whore," said the 55-year-old rocker.

While the first three tracks seem to vary in sound, and are truly inspired, the remaining 57 are noticeably very similar. Take the twelfth song for example: Ford Taurus. "Burning rubber, wind in my hair. I love my Ford / Way better than that piece of shit Honda Accord!"

Later in the album he was draws on the same themes, most glaringly in his song Honda Accord. "Burning rubber, wind in my hair. Got the new Honda Accord / Fuck Ford!"

The most refreshing song is the genre hopping endeavor featuring Gym Class Heroes. Even though their styles separate the groups, they are cohesive in their drive to take an axe to ya', if you don't love your Nissan Maxima.

When asked about the expected response from his fans Mellencamp said, "They might not know they want the album now, but once they hear those songs one hundred times a week, they'll run to the store and pick up a copy. I'm a whore."

Author's Note: If you squint at the picture it looks like Cougar's arm has been hacked off.

Defrosting The Splendid Splinter

by Antichrist

In yet another effort to keep up with the Yankees, who lured pitcher Roger Clemens out of retirement with a $28 million contract, the Boston Red Sox plan to defrost the cryogenically frozen Ted Williams.

This is not the first time that the idea of bring back Teddy Ballgame has been mentioned. During the 2004 American League Championship Series, when the Red Sox were down three games to none, a fan website called revive.com/tedwilliams, was erected. But as we all know, Ted stayed frozen, and the Sox came back to beat the Yankees.

Presently, with a comfortable lead in the East division, the Red Sox can wait until later in the season to revive the greatest hitter of all time. Not surprisingly, local Red Sox fans seem to have little objection. When asked of his personal feelings, Boston bartender Ronnie Michaels said, "Lay him out in the sun a little bit, pump him with some of those stem cells, and give him a bat!"

Multiple questions have arisen about the obstacles of cryonics, as well as the ethics. It should be noted however, that unadulterated stem cells do not appear on Major League Baseball's list of banned substances.

Red Sox general manager Theo Epstein approved the thawing measure, saying Ted Williams will be revived, regardless of the team's record. "The goal is to win another championship, and Mr. Williams can almost assure us of that. And if he doesn't, to my knowledge we can refreeze him," Epstein said.

Earlier today the Boston players were informed of the team's future addition.

"Who?" asked David Ortiz. "Shit, we're already gonna win the World Series, why don't you get those scientists to unfreeze Selena's fine ass."

When told that she wasn't frozen, Big Papi shifted his eyes around, looking at the floor and said "I knew that."

Church Signs

Deacon John: You wanted to see me Father Downing?

Father Downing: Yes, it's about what you've been putting on the sign outside.

Deacon: I know, I've hit a dry spell. I haven't had anything witty since YOU, JESUS, & SATAN. THREE'S A CROWD!

Father: That was a good one, but I'm more concerned about the current sign. I don't seem to get it.

Deacon: Well, I wanted to say God is a good listener, but I could only find one "D" in the box. Sales are up on the Goo Goo Dolls latest album though. I feel guilty about it, it just seems wrong, and not even on a religious level. Anyways, I've prepared a sermon based on the song "Slide" for you.

Father: Burn it for me. The sign can stay as long as it doesn't bring down attendance.

Deacon: It usually helps when I do a sports motif. Like "Go..." whatever local team is winning at the time. It just can't be the Dodgers, caus you know, the "D" thing. The downside is that making the sign sports based, tends to bring in the drunks. Or it could be that one episode of The Simpsons where Homer throws a party at the church.

Father: I'm pretty sure that's not the reason, although I'm aware of the episode.

Deacon: How they seem to stay so fresh is beyond me. I'm running out of sign ideas already. Maybe I should get someone to help me think of some.

Father: Like who?

Deacon: I don't know. Jerry Seinfeld would have something funny to say about Jesus.

Father: He might not be very interested in helping the Catholic church, he is Jewish.

Deacon: I thought just his character was Jewish. However that gives me the idea to borrow things from the media. Like once during a movie, I think it was Mr. 3000, or was it a soccer game? Anyway they had a message for the audience that read "Anger is only one letter away from danger." I could probably reuse that.

Father: Or you could find some on the internet.

Deacon: I looked, but the only funny ones were about anal sex with Satan.
-AC

Running Programs

My recent foray into the horizontally mobile club is probably much like your own, not blog worthy. However, some blogs can pull off a documented journal of progress, here are three examples:

I want to give a big thanks to the hundreds of people who have been reading my blog and leaving me comments. I finished my first race today! You were the greatest support. I lost confidence after my leg was amputated, and the doctors said I couldn't race. What made today even more rad, is that I was joined in the race by my mentally challenged dad, and eerily hot mother.

Hi y'all. I just finished my first jogging session, and I figured I'd run over to my laptop and write you guys. Get it? Run!
Anyways, for the male readers my age, I took it easy to start off with. I knew I'd be running through your minds all night. Soon I'll take off these sweaty clothes and hop into the shower. I'll post pics latrr ;)
And for you older readers, my legs are really sore. I think I'm gonna rub some Bengay on them, and call it a night at 8 o'clock. But not before I watch the Wheel of Fortune.
Kisses,
Sandra

Greetings bags of water, I am Serpo. In an attempt to become maximally efficient at utilizing your shitty form of respiratory gas, I have begun a training regiment I discovered in your defecation supplement, Men's Health. My training will build up to the day I confront your leader. Since this needs to be maintained as a surprise, these entries will not occur in real time. As you read this, I will already have what you call "washboard abs," as well as a thorough knowledge of "bedroom secrets to please my lady."

Author's note: In a search for a running alien, I considered the feasibility of a staff artist for the blog. I was close to hiring Scott Adams, but once again Google saved the day.

On another note, I watched the Yankees - Mariners game today, in which Yankees pitcher Chien-Ming Wang took a perfect game into the 8th inning. For some reason it wasn't very exciting. The Mariners finally got a hit after they realized the insensitivity they would be showing through the improper timing of another Asian guy with three names being on the news.
-AC

The Gilded Age of Antimino

School's out for summer. School's out forever! Hurry up Hirschfelder, or we're gonna leave your ass!

Be excited loyal readers, with my new free time, I plan to be on some John D. Rockefeller shit to make this the Gilded Age of the blog.

In the stereotypical "Perfect World": I will make a blog entry every day.

In my own Utopia: I will write every day while getting head, a la Chuck Klosterman. However, the person under my desk will not be named Jonas.

In some Dystopias: I will mindlessly write every day, sending my finished products into a pneumatic tube.

I will be so high off soma, that I will not post anything.

I will write in book form, and it will be promptly burned.

I will make a blog entry every day while being caned by droogs.
-AC