Defrosting The Splendid Splinter

by Antichrist

In yet another effort to keep up with the Yankees, who lured pitcher Roger Clemens out of retirement with a $28 million contract, the Boston Red Sox plan to defrost the cryogenically frozen Ted Williams.

This is not the first time that the idea of bring back Teddy Ballgame has been mentioned. During the 2004 American League Championship Series, when the Red Sox were down three games to none, a fan website called revive.com/tedwilliams, was erected. But as we all know, Ted stayed frozen, and the Sox came back to beat the Yankees.

Presently, with a comfortable lead in the East division, the Red Sox can wait until later in the season to revive the greatest hitter of all time. Not surprisingly, local Red Sox fans seem to have little objection. When asked of his personal feelings, Boston bartender Ronnie Michaels said, "Lay him out in the sun a little bit, pump him with some of those stem cells, and give him a bat!"

Multiple questions have arisen about the obstacles of cryonics, as well as the ethics. It should be noted however, that unadulterated stem cells do not appear on Major League Baseball's list of banned substances.

Red Sox general manager Theo Epstein approved the thawing measure, saying Ted Williams will be revived, regardless of the team's record. "The goal is to win another championship, and Mr. Williams can almost assure us of that. And if he doesn't, to my knowledge we can refreeze him," Epstein said.

Earlier today the Boston players were informed of the team's future addition.

"Who?" asked David Ortiz. "Shit, we're already gonna win the World Series, why don't you get those scientists to unfreeze Selena's fine ass."

When told that she wasn't frozen, Big Papi shifted his eyes around, looking at the floor and said "I knew that."