Facebook / Myspace Control

by Antichrist

You know I would have added you bro, it's just that my girlfriend doesn't let me on the site anymore. She doesn't like me catching up with the slutty chicks from high school that I had sex with while I was dating her.

And she's always on my case about the model babes I add just to squeeze one out to.

I think mostly she's scared about me searching people's interests. Especially when I find a girl that likes Stella, Gnarls Barkley, and butt sex.

So that's why I didn't add you. Although I probably wouldn't have added you anyway. You're kind of a dick.

Specialty Players

by Antichrist

I really don't know why we let you try out. I mean your fourty yard dash was good, but by traditional standards. Your years of experience playing football didn't really translate into what we're looking for. We want, what we call, Specialty Players.

First of all, we want somebody who can burrow.

We want somebody who can set booby traps on the field.

We want athletes from other sports besides football. We want a high jumper or pole vaulter for leaping over piles. Hopefully the vaulter could use his pole, we haven't checked the rules.

And we want some agile, little kids with skates on the back of their shoes.

Today's Goals

by Antichrist
1) Get into an argument trying to prove that Rhythm is not a Dancer.

2) Call someone a dung beetle.

3) Do informal research on the effects of prolonged sleeping versus napping.

4) Unlock Dry Bones in Mario Party 7.

5) Knock John Mayer's "Waiting on the World to Change" out from the top spot on my iTunes most played songs.

6) Replace with Clay Aiken.

Poetry Class

by Antichrist
Okay due next week will be the first assignment. I've made some things required, so you can't reuse one of your old poems. You'll have to write a new one with these inclusions:

1) A slogan of either Arby's or Quizno's.

2) The word cumberbum (use twice).

3) Plagarize Keats.

4) Write in iambic pentameter.

5) Use the second person part of speech, except for the fifth and eighteenth lines.

6) Write as Napoleon's fork.

The Carnival

My roommate and I were in a very offensive mood, and thus produced this conversation.
AC - Regular type
AC's roommate Nathan - Italic

So during break, I bought a soda, and started flipping through my wallet. I found my old Philadelphia Library card, and saw that I still have until December 11, 2006. I put that away, and I'm looking at the soda, and it has the same fuckin expiration date.

Okay.

What if every disposable good expires on that date.

Condoms expire, and there's all these mistakes. My friend that's having sex with the guy who looks like Justin Guarini has to abort his baby.

In the back of the classroom I was in, there was a bunch of CPR babies stacked up in a pyramid.

And now, everyone's favorite game show, The Dead Baby Pyramid.

*Hums theme song*

Today's grand prize is 5o dead fetuses.

It's like a carnival game, you have to knock them down.

The carnival made a contract with the abortion clinic, and all the prizes are dead fetuses.

I want the stuffed bear, I want the stuffed bear. Sorry kid, you won the middle prize, you get 2 dead babies.

I threw a ping pong ball in a fishbowl, and I won a dead fetus. Can I keep it, can I keep it? I promise I'll walk it and feed it.

The kid carries it around the whole carnival.

They have a It's a Small World ride with all the robots as singing dead fetuses. It's a Small Womb after all.

What I Learned From CPR Instruction Videos

If your child starts choking, he will turn into a mannequin. Once you perform CPR, he will come back to life again (a la Pinocchio).

Most people collapse on the job after they've been invited to the office party. Their recovery is followed by a snide comment with party wordplay.

All instructional videos should be first for humor purposes. Instruction can be somewhere in the top five.

If you are told to quickly dial 911, casually stroll off screen.

The universal sound for choking is absolute silence.

"The scene is safe" should always be said aloud.

Breathing into mannequins is the closest you are going to get to making out with the brunette across the room with the double D's.

Watching the brunette across the room with the double D's repeatedly bring her head down to breath into the mannequin, is the closest you are going to get to see her in that position.
-AC

Campus Quotables: UF-UT Game

by Antichrist

She is the alpha and the omega.

When I'm drunk I can only get it up for two people: Kaiser Wilhelm and Klaus Barbie.

Put that cracka ass Tim Tebow in.

We have a metaphysical bond.

If they get a first down, I'm buying them all Ruby Tuesday's.
-We don't have the ball.

You know who Lebron James isn't as good as, Jesus.

Was that chick's name Crista Galli? Caus that's a part of the skull.

Urban Meyer is from the streets.

If he doesn't make this, he's kicked out of school.

The stadium looks like an orange sphincter.

I like Peach, I have a thing for blondes.
+You know Daisy is a closet freak.
Freak in the sheets.
-I prefer loyalty in the sheets.

Water Folded

I think we're gonna go with Water Folded. Great idea, Troy. That's an amazing name for our band.

Alright, we got a name, don't have any songs yet, now we need a gimmick.

Jackson 5 cover band? Okay, that's a shitty idea Troy. None of us are black.

I know you're a fourth black, Paul. That's not enough. We know none of their songs.

Well yeah, we don't know any songs, but specifically no Jackson 5 songs.

Let's dress up like ZZ Top.

Yeah, your chin does look like a Sphinx cat, Steve. But I look like Father Time, dressing up like ZZ Top is the only thing I have going for me.

The name Water Folded doesn't have to be related to ZZ Top, it just has to sound cool.

It's alright that we don't know any ZZ Top songs, we'll learn some.
-AC

Campaign Manager

Did you even look at the notes I gave you? I know you can wing it when needed, but everything was planned! C'mon, don't even try to give me that face.

Alright, pushing that aside, I dug up some dirt on the two other candidates, Janice and Kyle. Kyle's been prone to play with his penis in public, so I'll try to spin that and say that he's not pro-life. As you know Janice never wears shoes, so we'll push the flip-flopper issue.

What do you mean you like Janice?! I've developed you to be a ruthless politician. You can show no weakness. I've lost hours upon hours of sleep strategizing. And you're gonna mess it all up!

Sorry, sorry, that's not my place. Timmy, you're gonna be the best first grade class president since Al Gore*. Do me proud, son.

*In Al Gore's term as first grade class president, he instituted nap time as a way to preserve natural resources.
-AC

I Voted...

for Kenny to have a UF home game named after him?

I was accosted by a female student while I was walking across the food court with my iPod playing. I paid her the courtesy of pausing the song, but not of removing the headphones. She wanted me to vote so "Kenny" can have a game dedicated to him. Don't think that Kenny is someone famous down here, I was just as clueless as anyone. I queried, "So it'll be The Kenny Game?" She nodded and said he'll come out on the field and such. She also said that I could win cool prizes by voting.

Maybe the headphones being in made me submissive, with the feeling of "Yeah, okay, whatevs." Not of the more rational, "This doesn't make any fucking sense, leave me alone."

Into the laptop they had, I entered my name, cell phone, and activation code (a la rapidshare) in case someone would dare rig the voting.

Social experiment?
Weird college kids?
What are your theories, America?
-AC

Incoherency Vol. 2

by Antichrist

Is it just me, or does the new Survivor look like a Chappelle Show sketch.

In a short conversation about the song "I Wanna Know What Love Is" by Foreigner, I used the following words:
natural baritone
falsetto
and bevy

Here's an example of life imitating art. On the way down the escalator from the library, I dropped the felt covering for my iPod headphone. I scrambled to pick it up before I reached the bottom, a successful endeavor. The book that I got from the library was The Mezzanine by Nicholson Baker, which is about a guy taking an escalator. On the day I finished the book, my shoelace broke, which is a concept that is examined in The Mezzanine. Now I'm not one for crazy theories, but with these occurrences, I think it is safe to say that David Bowie is an alien.

M&M's Dark Chocolate are very good.

Will got evicted from Big Brother. I was pissed. Erika must lose. Janelle will win, and pose again for Playboy. I will masturbate to them. I have eaten too many green M&M's. That is all.

Weed Industry Roundtable Discussion

Tommy Chong: Welcome, man. To the uh first annual weed conference. We need like a motto or something.
Bill Clinton: How about If you don't inhale, you can't fail.
James Blunt: I'm fucking high.
Dave Chappelle: We only let you in here caus of your name. You don't get to pick.
Tommy Chong: I'm high too man.
Bill Clinton: What ideas have y'all come up with dealing with marijuana.
Dave Chappelle: That it's fucking awesome.
James Blunt: I came up with the idea that the sun is a son.
Tommy Chong: Woah.
Bill Clinton: I'm going to put that in my next memoir. Half of the last one was ads.
Tommy Chong: Alright, we got some guests here today. To talk about weed in music, Snoop Dogg.
Snoop: Sup homies.
Tommy Chong: To talk about weed on the streets, a local drug dealer.
*Insert name of dumb dealer that you don't trust, and rips you off*: Hey guys, I have marijuana.
Tommy Chong: And lastly, to talk about weed on television, the guy who came up with Wonder Showzen.
Wonder Showzen Guy: Want some crack? We need more kids to do drugs, that's why I made my tv show. What have you done you druggies?
Snoop: Sit yo' puppet ass down.
Wonder Showzen Guy: You could put weed in the jewel case of your cd's. You already have thirty songs about how to roll a joint.
Snoop: Man fuck this foo with a hand up his ass.
James Blunt: Who invited this guy?
Dave Chappelle: Who invited you Philly?
Dealer: Hey Dave, I got some weed. If you smoke it, you'll get high.
Dave Chappelle: Fuck you nigga, I got my own.
-AC

Campus Quotables Volume 2: Minotaur Edition

fucking Brian's coming

fucking Brian

fucking Brian ate my fucking captain crunch

wicked hardcore (Boston accent)

ever heard about the half ton man?

fuck the fucking fucker

you could always jack off

who are these people?

did you know pigs have a 30 minute orgasm

does it got weed in it?

has anyone read life of pi, HAS ANY ONE READ LIFE OF PI!!!!!!!!!!!

Ten Things I've Noticed Since Carl Left

Ten Things I’ve Noticed Since Carl Left

1. I’m bored as shit after work
2. No one knows what a fatform dickhead is*
3. Star Wars drinking game is not as fun**
4. I can’t have a completely serious discussion on whether James Blunt’s song is called high or higher.
5. No one will run jokes for more than 2 minutes with me
6. My bathroom no longer smells like shit
7. I can get into my bathroom
8. I still have half a bottle of liquor left (and I have had it for a week)
9. I have no new mixes popping up in my cd folder
10. No trannies to fuck, wtf, no trannies

* In the song White Room (Cream) there are two words at the beginning of the second verse which sound like fatform dickhead, I know what the actual lyric is, but to say it would ruin it. I used to think it said “That fond dickhead,” but then I looked it up.

** Every time you die in Star Wars Battlefront 2, you drink, you point at the person and say “Ha ha you drink” which is a Family Guy reference.

On list for fatform dickheadom- Gammorean Guard (Pig Munstahs)

Cockroaches

Craig Bierko