Antichrist & Minotaur Man

Adventures of Brunaya: Scrabble?

2010-07-24T06:32:00.002-04:00

We last left our heroes fighting zombies in the barren tundra that is Connecticut. They have lived through the dreaded zombie apocalypse acquiring a few scars and singular bite mark, but regardless they have survived. The duo eventually makes their triumphant return to Pennsylvania, with one objective on their minds, pick up chicks with their bitchin scar stories.

Paul: Ok guys here’s your stop (opens the doors to his S.W.A.T. bus)
Sam: You’re not coming with us
Paul: (loads a shotgun, and pumps it with one arm) No, I must go, I am needed elsewhere
John: But where will you go
Paul: I am the breeze forever roaming the face of this wretched Earth, a traveler with no direction or intention
Sam: Spooky
Paul: No not really I’m going back to my house to smoke some pot and play x-box
Sam: Oh well, have fun, and thanks for the whole saving our ass thing, that antimatter grenade sure came in handy
Paul: Don’t mention it (shuts door and drives off into the sunset)
(Sam and John walk inside, they burst through the door and collapse on the couch in a state of utter exhaustion.)
John: Hey whatever happened to cheese slug?
Cheese Slug: Yo
Sam & John: Oh hey you survived!
Cheese Slug: Yup
Sam: Care to elaborate on your tale
Cheese Slug: Nope
Sam: Ok then, so Johnny whatcha wanna do
John: (snoring loudly)
Sam: I see (suddenly snoring loudly as well)
Cheese Slug: (rummages through Sam and John’s pockets and takes their wallets) Nice
(John’s Dream)
John: (wakes up stretching, suddenly Sam and Slugsy explode through the door)
Sam: (jumping on John’s bed) John wake up, wake up, everybody waking up!
John: Ahh ahhh ok ok
Cheese Slug: Come on your gonna be late for you dissertation to a body of 60,000 hooters girls, celebrities, your parents, the president, and all your childhood crushes
(suddenly John is standing on a stage behind a podium the audience stares at him pensively)
John: Ok, so dissertation, dissertation, hmmm
Crowd: Say something you fuck!
John: Hey hey hey I don’t even know what this is about
Crowd Member: This guy doesn’t even know what to say boo this clown!
John: No stop no (he steps out from behind the podium to try to reason with the crowd but he is completely nude, all the Hooters girls point and laugh, Carmen Elektra stands up and points at John’s penis and laughs uncontrollably) Hey fuck you guys, shut up, It’s normal size, It’s normal sized, It’s…..
(John wakes up startled screaming its normal sized feverishly, he looks around the room everyone else is asleep, John shrugs turns over and falls back asleep)
(Sam’s Dream)
Sam: (in the middle of the woods lost, it is still day out, Sam hears a voice calling out from the bushes behind him, the voice speaks in a chipmunk like tone)
Voice: Hey you lost
Sam: (turns to face the bush) Yeah who’s there, is that Alvin
(A group of cuddly woodland creatures step out from the bush)
Woodland Creatures: Well help you find your way
Sam: Aww thank you and you’re so cute too
Woodland Creatures: In Hell!!!!
Sam: That’s not right, AHHHHH!!!
Woodland Creatures: (pull out bloody farm tools)
Sam: (tries to run but his legs won’t move) Come on come on (he tugs on his legs, finally they start moving, he runs and runs for miles then stops at a nearby tree, he is now gasping for air) I think I lost (suddenly a hatchet whizzes by his face and slices into the tree he’s leaning on)
Woodland Creatures: Kill Kill!
Sam: No ahh don’t kill me Woodland Creatures!
(Sam wakes up on the couch panting)
Sam: Thank God it was only a dream
Woodland Creatures: (pop out from behind the couch brandishing bloody hatchets and razor sharp teeth) or maybe not
(Sam wakes up this time for real on the couch, in a cold sweat)
John: Cold sweat, I thought you were off the scag
Sam: No it was those damned woodland creatures this time
John: It’s always one or the other
Cheese Slug: True, True
John: Where the fuck is my wallet!

To spare the audience from some extreme ridiculousness I have abridged Sam and John’s perilous search for their wallets. The events progressed as follows…
Sam and John say the ointment a lot at random time for no apparent reason

John poops his pants

So does Sam

Sam and John suddenly find themselves somewhere in Vatican City deciphering artifacts

Sam concludes that Jesus was

Short commercial break is employed to increase level of suspense

A Peeeeeeeiiiiiiimmmmmp!

Nothing is accomplished

Sam and John completely forget what they were doing, and start playing scrabble

We now return to The Adventures of Brunaya already in progress, the role of Sam will now be played by Samuel L Jackson.

John: Damn it Sam Bad mother fucker is not one word, and how do you have so many letters.
Sam: I tell you why it’s a word, CUS I FUCKING SAID IT WAS!!! (in that distinctive, free from vocalized pauses, always yelling voice of his)
John: Always yellin an shit
Cheese Slug: Sup
Sam: What fuck is this motherfuckin cheese slug doing playing motherfuckin scrapple!!!!
John: its scrabble Sam
Sam: I don’t even eat pork
(the is a long silence, cheese slug and John are staring at Sam with anticipation)
Sam: Motha fucka!
(John and cheese slug nod fulfilled)
Cheese Slug: Fuck this game!
John: Yes sir (begins to undo his pants)
Cheese Slug: Not what I meant
Sam: Put your wrinkly ass cock away!!!
(just then four hooters girls walk by the front window all pointing a John’s member)
John: Damn prophetic dreams

(Now that scrabble has ended so shall this episode)

The Adventures of Brunaya episode 101: Pilot

2010-04-30T08:33:00.001-04:00

From the farthest reaches of the universe..... okay maybe not the universe. From the farthest reaches of eastern pennsylvania the two surviving membersof Brunaya are reunited. Comical situations ensue

(We enter a grimey apartment the duo sits on big green couch full of dirty clothing pondering the infinite posibilities of our universe)

Sam: Man I've had the itchiest nutsack today
John: Me too dude, oh by the way I used your clippers to shave my naughty areas
Sam: Damn it John I use those clippers to shave my tounge hairs
John: You have tounge hairs
Sam: Thats right me amigo doesn't everyone
John: No just you
(Sam sticks out his tounge to show john)
John: Wow dude that's amazing, wait a minute (John plucks a particularly long hair from sam's tounge) who's is this
Sam: Ahh Jenavive I knew her well
John: That's disgusting
Sam: Yes it is and that's a long hair too, I think it might be a record
John: Yeah dude lets call Guiness
Sam: Do it
John: (Pulls out his phone) I got him on speed dial cus were always breaking records an shit
Sam: Yep (Walks over to the record player on the end table takes the record off and shatters it against the wall)
John: Crosby Stills and Nash another one down. Hold on I got guinness on the line
Guiness: Hello
John: Oh what's up man we just broke two records, one for the longest recorded length of a human hair
Sam: Who said anything about humans
John: Sorry sir the longest recorded length of a (Looks at Sam)
Sam: Platypus
John: Right platypus hair
Guiness: Oh jesus it's these guys again, look we don't keep track of strange things like that, do platypuses even have hair (Hangs up)
John: That bitch Guinness hung up on me
Sam: That's the third time this week ah fuck em
John: so wait what's a platypus hair doing halfway down your throat
Sam: You gotta keep em clean somehow
John: I see and why the name Jenavive
Sam: What's wrong with Jenavive would you rather have named her Pedromergonzalesmorraledeoxyribonucleic......acid you god damned mexican
John: yes actually, well now that that's over what do you want to do
Sam: Dunno put on some music my laptop is right there
John: ( Picks up sam's laptop from the floor, then opens it up to reveal sam's backround Ashley Judd posing scantally for the camera) I think your obsession with Asley Judd has quickly escalated from pubescent jack off material to an unhealth addiction.
Sam: Masturbation is healthy
John: 10 times a day!
Sam: So Im 10 times healthier than normal people
John: Come on dude this apartment is getting to me let's go play some tennis

(On the tennis court, sam and john are both pouring sweat. John serves the ball ferociously sending it careening elegantly into the net)

Sam: Ha Ha, obstruction!
John: Obstuction you made that shit up. So what's the score nothing nothing still
Sam: Yep we've only been playing for (Looks down at his wrist witch is devoid of a watch) 13 hours
John: Dude 13 hours I just missed 7 midterms a chemistry exam and lunch with my parents
Sam: Okay one more serve next point wins
John: (Serves another blistering serve that's lands in bounds and bounces past Sam efortlesssly) Ha
Sam: Obstruction
John: Obstuction, but Im mexican, Im a good constuction worker
Sam: Whatever somebody's a sore looser, come on man lets go home
John: Okay

(Some time later sam is sitting on the couch again and John has been in the batroom for a good 10 minutes)

Sam: Hey check this out the county fair is coming to town, and look they've got the worlds largest and most racist cheese slug
John: (calling from the batroom) thats a mighty fine cheese slug
Sam: Yes it is man yes it is, and here's a quote from him (the quote reads), why don't black people need reflectors on their bikes, because all they have to do is smile.( Sam says to himself) Man that's one mighty fine racist ass cheese slug. Hey John what are you doing in there! John

(Sam stands up and walks to the bathroom kicks open the door only to find John ferociously mastubating to Ashley Judd)

Sam: Hands off my woman
John: Let me finish let me finish!

(Sam and John fight over the laptop for a decent amount of time finally sam lets go)

Sam: told you she was sexy
John: Oh she is
Sam: So we going to see this cheese slug
John: Oh I got plans for that cheese slug man, big plans (Laugh maniacaly) Oh and Fuck Guinness!
!
End

By: Minotaur Man

Updating this Dusty Vagina of a Blog

2010-01-06T23:35:00.005-05:00

Welcome back Antimino heads! I thought it was about time to revive something that was the shit back in 2006-2007. No, not MySpace. Your boy's got some ideas, so I'll lay them on you the next few days.

You might be asking yourself, "Why are you updating the blog after all this time? Let it FUCKING DIE!!" First off, you need to chill the fuck out. Relax knowing that Antichrist & Minotaur Man is good-hearted fun that doesn't force any agenda on you like some other media (the movie Must Love Dogs).

My hope is that those privy to the blog enjoy its content. I don't expect posts to get as many hits as juicy online news such as "Hamburger heiress Wendy flashes major Baconator exiting limo."

Time has passed since the last blog post, and I feel it's appropriate to note some of the major events that have occurred during that span:

1) The Philadelphia Phillies won the World Series.

2) The first Taco Bell/Pizza Hut/City Hall opened. Drive-thru Quickie Annulments with a side order of cinnamon twists.

3) Years of interracial breeding has produced a race of super humans; all looking like Chicago Bulls center Joakim Noah. Across the world they are dominating regular humans, especially on the glass.

Alright, maybe the last two aren't true, but I'll be damned if revisionist historians take away the first one from me! Now if you excuse me I'd like to finish the book I've been reading, "Slave and Master Relations: As Friendly as Lethal Weapon (with Foreword 'How Elvis Invented the Blues')"
-AC

In Prison Cell Phones Are The New Currency

2008-10-23T04:03:00.002-04:00

Inmates have resorted to using cell phones for escape purposes in many of the maximum security prisons here in the United States. The estimate for one of those new fangled i-phones roughly equates to 60 lbs of gold bullion. Unfortunately for the prisoners the only bullion they get to see is the cubes that go into their imitation gruel. Since rape is so prevalent in the prison system many inmates are, for lack of better wording, shoving the cell phones up their asses. This act is more pleasure based and less diabolical then one might think. The states plan to instate jamming technologies in order to prevent this cell phone epidemic. "We've come a long way from diggin holes with forks" says a one Charles Montague an 85 year old inmate serving a life sentence. "What does send mean, and what's a chirp, and what is rotfl, and who are all these people in these pictures" Montague asks obviously confused at his senile age. When asked if he thought the cell phones would make it easier for escape Montague responded quite simply with a "What!??."
In a state of dimensia our interview with Montague was cut short. I'm sure Steve McQueen would have something to say about this whole issue, it really take the glamour out of a good ol fashioned prison break. One thing is for sure violence is down 30% in the last quarter of 2008, as rival gangs leave threatening messages instead of shanking each other in the prison yards. Still thumb related injuries are on the rise as a result of constant texting, and one inmate in a Texas prison was killed while stamping license plates. The culprit of course was tunnel vision as he was talking to another inmate across the assembly line. On a side note the prison bitches have opted for the pink razor in particular, and have even begun to accessorize. They customize with ring tones, and clever voicemails that make you think they actually picked up, dicks. Who's to say whether or not these cell phones are a bad thing, one thing is for sure there costing the us taxpayers a lot on overage charges.

Landmarks in Television: "Siskel, Ebert, & an Autistic Kid at The Movies"

2008-03-10T21:10:00.004-04:00

by Antichrist

Before "Siskel & Ebert at The Movies" cemented a critic duo as the ideal format for television, a third member was tested for one episode only. That episode was the television debut for "Jimmy the Autistic Kid."

Roger Ebert: Based on a true story, Night Crossing features John Hurt and Beau Bridges in an instant Disney Classic.

Gene Siskel: Two families traveling from East to West Germany in a hot air balloon, during the days of the Berlin Wall. They faced pitfalls along the way, that in my opinion became increasingly more boring. I'll pose this question to Jimmy, how much action can really happen in a hot air baloon?

Jimmy: ......

Roger Ebert: Speechless, much as I was with Bridges' stellar performance. Don't we all want Beau Bridges to be our dad? A heartwarming film, I give it a thumbs up.

Gene Siskel: Okay movie, but just a bit too German for me. I'll give it a thumbs down. Jimmy you'll have to break the tie.

Jimmy: ......

Roger Ebert: Jimmy again has nothing to add, but look at that intricate pattern of blocks he's built.

Jimmy: .....

Gene Siskel: Having an autistic kid may not have been the best idea for dialogue, but that block pattern is marvelous.

Jimmy: 1 in 150 kids are diagnosed with autism.

Roger Ebert: Hey, wait a minute!!

Jimmy: Night Crossing was the sheeit.

Roger Ebert: Damn you being an idiot savant at faking autism!

Listening To Radiohead In The Shower

2007-08-28T18:32:00.001-04:00

1. Airbag- I get the feeling that there is a very creepy/ very hairy sneakinging up on me while I bathe.

2. Paranoid Android- I envision a quire of monks scrubbing my back, while it figuratively “Rains down” on me.

3. Subterranean Homesick Alien- I get the urge to phone home using the loufa sponge.

4. Exit Music (For A Film)- “Pack and get dressed” says the lead singer, I respond “hold on buddy I’m not even out of the shower yet.

5. Let Down- Another Radiohead song

6. Karma Police- As soon as the singer’s voice kicks in, I feel an instant rush of heroin and collapse in the tub. I then lost the soap but quickly found it, after which I change the lyrics from “For a minute there I lost myself” to “For a minute there I lost my soap, I lost my soap!”

7. Fitter Happier- The random assorted noises track, and in the background there is a computer voice rambling, so naturally I assume that Stephen Hawking is in the shower with me. I ponder deep intellectual points like; whether or not the world is round. (Which I fought with Stephen about for a good 30 minutes, I still think I won, because the world is clearly flat)

8. Electioneering- I am reminded to vote because the election is nearing.

9. Climbing up the Walls- I am a severely depressed computer, I then realize I’m in the shower and quickly short out.

10. No Surprises- I think it will be a song about numbers and the letter of the day, but I am surprised to find out it’s about the lead singer’s brother who’s killed himself.

11. Lucky- I feel like the luckiest man in the world, I even say it aloud, I then drop the soap slip on it, crack my head, and knock my toothbrush into the toilet.

12. Tourist- I feel like a stranger from another bathroom visiting and using the one I’m in.

If you are wondering why I was in the shower for the duration of 53.3 minutes, I will offer this excuse, it takes 49.5 minutes exactly for me to cum.

Fat Bitch and Her Wardrobe

2007-05-25T20:55:00.000-04:00

by Antichrist

Why does that fat bitch's shorts have "Bling Bling" written on her ass cheeks?

-Ohh, she fought in the Korean War. She got two bullets lodged in her subcutaneous tissue.

Are you serious?

-No. She's actually selling advertisement space to two Japanese business tycoons

Really?

-Haha, no. What happened was, she ate a piece of coal thinking it was one of The California Raisin characters. That was one of her life goals. Anyway, after she digested the coal, she shit out a diamond.

I didn't know you could do that. So that's the story.

-Just kidding. Really she was bending down to pick up a coupon for a free McRib, outside of an industrial building. A strip of aluminum siding fell off of the building and got stuck in her anus.

Ouch, that must have torn the ass version of her hymen.

-Fella that was ripped apart after her first trip to Taco Bell.

Finding the coupon must have been bittersweet, since she had something clogging her ass. But I don't understand why her shorts say "Bling Bling."

-She got an insurance settlement of a cool mil.

Finally a story I believe.

By The Numbers

2007-05-24T23:16:00.000-04:00

83% of kids featured on boxes of Life cereal die within the calendar year of their appearance

By the year 2010, there will be 0 albinos due to economic feasibility

1 proposed amendment to the latest immigration bill, to get rid of Carlos Mencia

30% chance this blog will have an essay about how either 9-11 or the Holocaust didn't happen, to see if anyone is reading these entries

4% chance of seeing a real alien in your lifetime

100% chance of seeing an alien in a Spielberg movie
-AC

Emo Application

2007-05-23T21:13:00.000-04:00

Meh. Morning. Do you like how I did that, do ya? I mean, grumple grumplestiltskin. I feel I'm qualified to be considered emo. See how emotional I can get, I let my feelings dance on a palate of death.

What, by applying to be emo, I don't even get it. Well, listen to this. I have a sunny disposition, but I can change that from here on out. I have a lot of black shirts. I'm really good in the kitchen, so I think that will transfer well to cutting myself.

I wrote a poem once about a guy dying in a vat of chocolate. It wasn't dark chocolate though, I guess that would've helped. I melt when I hear Karma Chameleon by Culture Club, in like a painful way. It has 11 play counts on my iTunes because I'm into to masochism.

I'm nowhere close? Sometimes I put True Colors by Cyndi Lauper on repeat. Yes! I should have known that was all I needed to say!
-AC

Carter Takes Back "Careless" Remark

2007-05-22T20:54:00.000-04:00

Upon leaving a Cuthbert, Georgia Huddle House on Saturday, Fmr. President Jimmy Carter was quoted as saying, "I think as far as bad taste among types of drinks, this coffee was the worst in history."

The remark was largely overlooked, until word got back to the restaurant.

Huddle House owner Kathy Dawson was quick to lash out: "I think he is proving to be increasingly irrelevant with these kinds of comments."

Later, when asked about his criticisms, Carter said, "They were maybe careless or misinterpreted." He also admitted, "I was not comparing the coffee to every other coffee ever brewed. Also I was not talking personally about any restaurant owners."

Locals are confused with his apology for the remark, as they share his disdain for the current coffee. As it stands now, the restaurant goers will not seek change, and will thus wait until next year when a Korean will take over the Huddle House.
-AC

John McCain's Finest Hour

2007-05-21T23:17:00.000-04:00

Connecting to voters as a straight talker, John McCain has entered what The Wall Street Journal has called his "Finest Hour." While they were speaking of a figurative hour, today from 11:21 AM to 12:21 PM, John McCain very clearly had his literal one.

11:21 -Ends benefit lunch by screaming "Yippee-ki-yay, motherfuckers!"

11:34 - Frees hostages that were unseasonally at a Christmas party.

11:40 - Kills Hans Gruber.

11:52 - Saves his wife from terrorists who took over an airport.

11:53 - Has a press conference about the terrorists before Giuliani can.

12:17 - Runs over glass shards in an attempt to make it to the Senate vote.

12:17 - Realizes he's not going to make it in time.

12:20 - Uses a 3 gallon jug and a 5 gallon jug to put exactly 4 gallons of rum in a jug for the post-vote party.
-AC

Rap About My High School Spanish Teacher

2007-05-20T21:48:00.000-04:00

by Antichrist

When asked cierto o falso, I never pick pseduo
S'why I didn't fail any Spanish tests by Mr. Muto
Who knew those, questions I answered too slow...
Would raise me to higher levels like a Jew-fro
He'll demote you like Pluto, if you talk in class
Need to take a piss, he'll give 'ya a hallway pass
Students went crazy, he had the balls to laugh
Most kick ass teacher outta all the staff
He was always there 'fa, kids who didn't care 'ta...
Give props to a guy
Who fucked his future wife at her Quinceañera

Fucka Shaq and Kobe

2007-05-19T19:59:00.000-04:00

Someone tagged my house today in garnet and gold. I wonder who did it? You don't have to be Mickey Spillane to figure out it was a Florida State Seminole fan. I cannot contribute a full blog entry, as I'm on some Michael Madsen in Kill Bill shit, waiting with a shotgun full of enough rock salt to take down Chief Osceola.
-AC

Gov't Takes Away One Of My Favorite Freedoms

2007-05-18T15:10:00.000-04:00

I don't mind taking my shoes off at airports. I don't mind quelling my urge to check out the Qur'an from the library, as a way to keep my record clean from the Patriot Act. Neither would fit in the category of my favorite freedoms like the following does: The right to display campy bathroom signs.

These types of signs will be a necessary for the pool hall / Irish bar that I'll work at in my autumn years that will play out like a sitcom with then established actor Jaden Smith.

Being less opinionated than most, I have a hobby of supporting causes ironically, or for some other personal enjoyment. This matter however, may be the one of the only ones that I have based a true opinion. The only other may be when I was a staunch opponent of the Flags For Orphans Bill, of which I do not regret my vote. There is too great a risk of Old Glory touching the ground when put into the hands of irresponsible orphans.

Anywho, campy signs are as American as apple pie or throwing batteries at outfielder J.D. Drew. I implore anyone near Destin, Florida to take a trip to McGuires's Irish Pub to sign the petition to put the signs back up. Join the fight for freedom.

Quick Hit: Biologists in Sacramento tried unsuccessfully to use recorded songs of a humpback whale to lure an injured female back toward the Pacific Ocean. The whale swam away from it, rather than toward it, until the researches realized they were playing a Ruben Studdard CD.
-AC

Troops Denied Myspace

2007-05-17T22:44:00.000-04:00

This post is livicated to our brave soldiers - AC Link

When accessing the Defense Department's network, soldiers have been banned from going on certain sites like myspace, youtube, pandora, and mtv. What teenager would want to join the army now? Who could fight without knowing songs that sounded like songs you like. Or even more importantly, would you have confidence going against enemies, when you don't know that Flea Market Montgomery is just like, is just like a mini-mall.

Unfortunately, they didn't block blogger, so I still have the competition from the front line, attracting all the girls that dig a guy in uniform. More specifically, one of the US army. Which sucks because I was going to take pics of myself wearing a uniform a borrowed; my neighbor's WWII Nazi attire.

Banning their blogs would be a more logical choice. I rarely visit the 13 sites that they blocked (YouTube, Metacafe, IFilm, StupidVideos, FileCabi, MySpace, BlackPlanet, Hi5, Pandora, MTV, 1.fm, live365, Photobucket). Well, you don't have valuable information to share, you say. Through a series of hidden messages (mainly the word tranny), I've helped Ethiopia in their conflict with Somalia.

Will soldiers become more productive now that they can't get their myspace fix? I think some will experience withdraw symptoms; those that aren't members of facebook, anyway.

Any Day, Any Food

2007-05-16T23:18:00.000-04:00

My son will kick your son's ass in an eating contest. I would tell you my son can eat faster than any human his age, but I'm not sure that's correct, because I've trained a beast! I know you're too much of a pussy to try my techniques, so I'll indulge you.

Some times I won't let him eat for two days. Then I'll put him in a room with a table full of food, and tell him he only has ten minutes to eat. You've never seen anyone eat so fast. He'll set a slower pace today, but he'll still wipe the floor with your excuse for a son.

The name of the game is watermelons today, punk. My son's stomach can hold two full watermelons easily. That's not even a factor. What we've been working on is spitting seeds, hahaha. Right now he can make it in a cup ten feet away. He made seven in a row last night. They got a bucket here for seeds, little bigger target.

Why don't you tell him to aim for your big mouth.

Oh, well that does it! After this competition, I'm gonna get my son to bite off your dick!
-AC

Fate is a Dick Tease

2007-05-15T18:55:00.000-04:00

I'll let that simmer, and write about an unrelated topic.

I am a giddy schoolgirl for the future Comedy Central pilot "Michael Ian Black Doesn't Understand." Michael Showalter is co-executive producer, I'm glad to see him involved in some way. My excitement for Black's "Wedding Daze" which he wrote and directed, will reach it's peak when I put it on my favorite movies list before it comes out.

Anywho, I realized that in today's world of drought (scientifically proven, we gets no rain here) and global warming (mostly bullshit) the worst thing to do is to use water to melt ice. It's fun to do, I know, but it's the worst thing you can do.

Woah big shot, you say it's not as bad as feeding Taco Bell to a cow? Well, I grasp the ethical concept of the cow eating its own species (which us humans are not yet sold on); that might get the argument some points. That cow will be farting like crazy too. I agree it's a pretty bad thing to do. But is it worse?

Those cow farts are all mumbo jumbo atmosphere shit. Wasting water to get rid of water is worse. You see, I'm a farmer from Nebraska, and I've heard stories about there being a shit ton of water on both sides of the great US of A. But until I see them for myself, I'll go with the water I see with my peepers, which ain't a lot.

Oh yea, fuck ice sculptures too. Unless it's of the great Nebraska quarterback Eric Crouch.
-AC

Diary Entry Of An Exterminator Who Just Found Out That He Was Born Into A Family Of Bugs

2007-05-14T20:14:00.000-04:00

by Antichrist

May 14, 2187

What an eye opening day! I now know why I could never get in touch with my birth parents. Ever since I could remember I lived in an empty house. I never questioned how I was continually fed and cared for. I was probably around 7 when I realized that there were two big bugs in my house. Each was over five feet tall, but I killed them and didn't think anything of it. After that I went to live in an orphanage.

I went on this heritage site today, and I saw two bugs listed as my parents. I don't know how they figured that out, but it all makes sense. I don't really understand it. I don't have any bug qualities, except that I am attracted to light.

Anyway, that instance with killing my parents and all, is what may have subconsciously made me want to be an exterminator. I enjoy the job, but now I feel guilty about getting paid to kill aunts.

150th Post: Mother's Day Tribute

2007-05-13T22:28:00.000-04:00

...to culinary goddess Rachael Ray.

There was a time when my attorney, Einstein Parker, cast me in a poor light for my budding interest in the celebrity chef. The conversation ended when I said I would cuddle afterwards. Actually, that was followed by my saying that men spoon. My attorney might have called her clingy or needy. Shit, man! I'm not sure. I aim to create an open dialogue on the subject.

From the time of Julia Child's passing until the advent of Rachael Ray's television career, it was hard to find a strong, sultry woman who you could count on to be dexterous with her tools, and to have a bottle of tequila in her kitchen. No longer do you have to squint while watching Emeril.

I believe that she will age with grace, and I have two solid references to give you a mental picture. First she'll look very similar to how she does now, but with a small gray streak in her hair. Think Kate Beckinsale in Click. However she will be a nagging wife in the tune of Lorraine Bracco in Goodfellas.

I watched some of her show. During it, she used the phrase "chicky wickies," which I thought was hot since I have a Clockwork Orange fetish.

In closing I would:
1) Railroad Rachael Ray
2) Ramrod Rachael Ray
0r
3) Enjoy some rest and relaxation with Rachael Ray

Your thoughts
-AC

Party Idea: Trannies

2007-05-12T23:18:00.000-04:00

I think the best ideas are the ones that are first pitched with: Ok, before you say anything, hear me out.

After seeing enough (my favorite word used as a substitute for a number you don't want to divulge) Maury episode with trannies, I'm aware of how fun it is to see people getting tricked. The fact that I would get about half of the 'man or woman' quizzes wrong, is the reason why my friends don't let me down a Vietnamese side street alone with a fist full of 5 dollar bills.

First invite the trannies to your party. Ideally you would know a few. Then you can tell the people that you want to be in on it. This would be a party where you would want to invite your mortal enemy. Keep in mind it is unlikely to get David Faustino on short notice.

All the rest is gravy. Fun should ensue, unless David Faustino walks in and asks why there are a bunch of trannies at the party you said was off the hizzy fo shizzy (the only way you could get him to come, as well as saying you invited a cameraman from The Insider).
-AC

High School To Change Motto

2007-05-11T21:38:00.000-04:00

by Antichrist

Westside High School of Anytown, Florida has officially changed it's motto. No longer will the phrase "A Tradition to Excel" represent the school. After a measure passed early today, the new motto will be "It's Me Snitches!"

School administrators mainly disproved, but kept their word that the students would be able to decide on the naming. "I'm glad they picked the censored version, not the b-word. We already had Al Sharpton visit us this year," counselor Loretta Linney remarked.

"I don't actually know what it is referencing. Personally I preferred 'We Make It Rain.' It would have been a much more poignant statement," English professor Huck Bigsby quipped.

The students have been quick to change their cheers. Head cheerleader Nya Williams said, "Last year I would move and talk like a robot and say 'Westside...in..the...house.' Now I do the same thing for 'It's Me Snitches!' I'll still yell 'You Know!' though."

Burt Lancaster and Other Thoughts

2007-05-10T22:55:00.000-04:00

by Antichrist

Somehow the name Burt Lancaster came into my mind while taking a whiz. When something obscure comes to me, I'll make a guess at it before running to wikipedia. My guess is a 70's actor.

Oh, schnitzel I was right. Anywho, Entenmann's Softee Powdered Popettes look like they are the shit. If it weren't for the "softee" to remind me of my pseudo-diet, half would be gone. My pseudo-diet being to not eat before bed (I'm writing this at 12:30, tremendously efficient in posting nowadays) and to abstain from having multiple dinners. But as I look at the donuts I remember "That's what breakfast's for," sung in Dionne Warwick melody. Eating donuts and cookies for breakfast has kept my spirit young, but my heart elderly. I've also eaten a shit-ton of McGriddles in my day. Fucka McGriddle, McRib is where it's at. October '07 baby. Whooo!. We brought back a lot of the same guys, I think we have a real chance of repeating this year.

I came across Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy yesterday. Some are real funny. The style would be good for a quick one sentence blog post, for when I try to be the most economical with my words, without being trite. Ohh may I never be trite. Anywho, you won't be seeing deep thoughts on this blog. 1) My mind doesn't work that way. 2) It's been done by Phillies announcer Larry Andersen in the form of "Shallow Thoughts." Which are arguably not even the same thing, because they don't have a witty edge.

I miss getting the New York Times on campus. Unabashedly, I miss USA Today as well. I'm too lazy to look up their current polls. I'll never know what percent of Americans love Christmas. So no news for Antichrist. Local news is good in short doses. They're very cloistered though, and by that I mean they have a weakness to electrical attacks. In lieu of national news, they have stories about a postal worker who wouldn't deliver mail to a house because of a threatening cat. Also a story of a man, with one leg and no arms I believe, that led police on a high speed chase.

I've grown weary of my current homepage reddit.com. The stories that come up are interesting sometimes. It's dominated by computer shit, I suppose. If that's what Ubuntu is. It's either some computer shit, or a Japanese shortstop. I see it is an alternative to Windows. Very good.

I watched a little bit of American Idol this week for the first time all season. The only guy left in the contest (the women don't...ahh yes they do concern me. Kelly Clarkson once concerned me) does beatbox effects during every song. It didn't fit too well, being Barry Gibb night, but it was entertaining. What also entertained me was my Barry Gibb impression, which quickly got dumped for my layered and subtle Aaron Neville impression (that I jacked from Horatio Sanz).

As of the past 2 minutes I've become interested in the quality of water in Beijing for the 2008 Olympics. Beijing is spending $160 billion to get itself ready. Why do they care what other people think? That money is good enough for a third of a war. Plus, all of the renovations will make Chicago look bad in it's bid for 2016 Olympics. Good thing they'll have flying cars by then. They can demolish abandoned buildings and fly the debris around until after the Olympics. As a way of bringing the culture of Chicago to the Games, the handle of the Olympic Torch will be fashioned into a shiv.

Fmr. Governor Gray Davis Participates In Food Challenge

2007-05-09T18:39:00.000-04:00

by Antichrist

The stakes have been raised. Shortly after Oregon Gov. Ted Kulongoski lived off a food stamp budget for one week, former California Governor Gray Davis was found in the wilderness fending for himself. This is obviously a statement to raise awareness of people living in poverty.

"I'm broke nigga!" joked the former governor.

Davis has recently been named to the DiC Entertainment Board of Directors. "Man I quit that already. I thought I could maybe make a few bucks performing, then I find out it's about cartoons. There's no money in that. I'm broke!"

Clearly Mr. Davis' spirits are still high during his daunting challenge. While he has not made clear when he started the task, his makeup and beard gave the illusion that he has lived in the woods for several weeks.

"At first I thought it was a crazy rapist in the woods that looked like Gray Davis. It turns out it was Gray Davis," observer Melanie Cole said. "Gray Davis raped me."

Similar to an actor sticking with their character while doing interviews, Mr. Davis kept with his story. "I was living the life. I told Mary Carey I'd find a way to make her governor if she had sex with me. And this was after she already had sex with me. I was the man. My whole staff is in the woods with me now. We had to eat Cruz Bustamante though. Very sad."

John Mellencamp Aims For More Commercial Spots

2007-05-08T20:32:00.000-04:00

by Antichrist

John Mellencamp's new album Car Songs can be found wherever music is sold, but he doesn't expect you to buy it yet.

Each song on the album runs at 15 seconds, containing two repeated lines about a car brand. Mellencamp has shipped the album to the various companies in a desperate ploy to get them to add it to their commercials.

"I'm a whore," said the 55-year-old rocker.

While the first three tracks seem to vary in sound, and are truly inspired, the remaining 57 are noticeably very similar. Take the twelfth song for example: Ford Taurus. "Burning rubber, wind in my hair. I love my Ford / Way better than that piece of shit Honda Accord!"

Later in the album he was draws on the same themes, most glaringly in his song Honda Accord. "Burning rubber, wind in my hair. Got the new Honda Accord / Fuck Ford!"

The most refreshing song is the genre hopping endeavor featuring Gym Class Heroes. Even though their styles separate the groups, they are cohesive in their drive to take an axe to ya', if you don't love your Nissan Maxima.

When asked about the expected response from his fans Mellencamp said, "They might not know they want the album now, but once they hear those songs one hundred times a week, they'll run to the store and pick up a copy. I'm a whore."

Author's Note: If you squint at the picture it looks like Cougar's arm has been hacked off.

Defrosting The Splendid Splinter

2007-05-07T14:26:00.000-04:00

by Antichrist

In yet another effort to keep up with the Yankees, who lured pitcher Roger Clemens out of retirement with a $28 million contract, the Boston Red Sox plan to defrost the cryogenically frozen Ted Williams.

This is not the first time that the idea of bring back Teddy Ballgame has been mentioned. During the 2004 American League Championship Series, when the Red Sox were down three games to none, a fan website called revive.com/tedwilliams, was erected. But as we all know, Ted stayed frozen, and the Sox came back to beat the Yankees.

Presently, with a comfortable lead in the East division, the Red Sox can wait until later in the season to revive the greatest hitter of all time. Not surprisingly, local Red Sox fans seem to have little objection. When asked of his personal feelings, Boston bartender Ronnie Michaels said, "Lay him out in the sun a little bit, pump him with some of those stem cells, and give him a bat!"

Multiple questions have arisen about the obstacles of cryonics, as well as the ethics. It should be noted however, that unadulterated stem cells do not appear on Major League Baseball's list of banned substances.

Red Sox general manager Theo Epstein approved the thawing measure, saying Ted Williams will be revived, regardless of the team's record. "The goal is to win another championship, and Mr. Williams can almost assure us of that. And if he doesn't, to my knowledge we can refreeze him," Epstein said.

Earlier today the Boston players were informed of the team's future addition.

"Who?" asked David Ortiz. "Shit, we're already gonna win the World Series, why don't you get those scientists to unfreeze Selena's fine ass."

When told that she wasn't frozen, Big Papi shifted his eyes around, looking at the floor and said "I knew that."

Church Signs

2007-05-06T23:13:00.000-04:00

Deacon John: You wanted to see me Father Downing?

Father Downing: Yes, it's about what you've been putting on the sign outside.

Deacon: I know, I've hit a dry spell. I haven't had anything witty since YOU, JESUS, & SATAN. THREE'S A CROWD!

Father: That was a good one, but I'm more concerned about the current sign. I don't seem to get it.

Deacon: Well, I wanted to say God is a good listener, but I could only find one "D" in the box. Sales are up on the Goo Goo Dolls latest album though. I feel guilty about it, it just seems wrong, and not even on a religious level. Anyways, I've prepared a sermon based on the song "Slide" for you.

Father: Burn it for me. The sign can stay as long as it doesn't bring down attendance.

Deacon: It usually helps when I do a sports motif. Like "Go..." whatever local team is winning at the time. It just can't be the Dodgers, caus you know, the "D" thing. The downside is that making the sign sports based, tends to bring in the drunks. Or it could be that one episode of The Simpsons where Homer throws a party at the church.

Father: I'm pretty sure that's not the reason, although I'm aware of the episode.

Deacon: How they seem to stay so fresh is beyond me. I'm running out of sign ideas already. Maybe I should get someone to help me think of some.

Father: Like who?

Deacon: I don't know. Jerry Seinfeld would have something funny to say about Jesus.

Father: He might not be very interested in helping the Catholic church, he is Jewish.

Deacon: I thought just his character was Jewish. However that gives me the idea to borrow things from the media. Like once during a movie, I think it was Mr. 3000, or was it a soccer game? Anyway they had a message for the audience that read "Anger is only one letter away from danger." I could probably reuse that.

Father: Or you could find some on the internet.

Deacon: I looked, but the only funny ones were about anal sex with Satan.
-AC

Running Programs

2007-05-05T23:58:00.000-04:00

My recent foray into the horizontally mobile club is probably much like your own, not blog worthy. However, some blogs can pull off a documented journal of progress, here are three examples:

I want to give a big thanks to the hundreds of people who have been reading my blog and leaving me comments. I finished my first race today! You were the greatest support. I lost confidence after my leg was amputated, and the doctors said I couldn't race. What made today even more rad, is that I was joined in the race by my mentally challenged dad, and eerily hot mother.

Hi y'all. I just finished my first jogging session, and I figured I'd run over to my laptop and write you guys. Get it? Run!
Anyways, for the male readers my age, I took it easy to start off with. I knew I'd be running through your minds all night. Soon I'll take off these sweaty clothes and hop into the shower. I'll post pics latrr ;)
And for you older readers, my legs are really sore. I think I'm gonna rub some Bengay on them, and call it a night at 8 o'clock. But not before I watch the Wheel of Fortune.
Kisses,
Sandra

Greetings bags of water, I am Serpo. In an attempt to become maximally efficient at utilizing your shitty form of respiratory gas, I have begun a training regiment I discovered in your defecation supplement, Men's Health. My training will build up to the day I confront your leader. Since this needs to be maintained as a surprise, these entries will not occur in real time. As you read this, I will already have what you call "washboard abs," as well as a thorough knowledge of "bedroom secrets to please my lady."

Author's note: In a search for a running alien, I considered the feasibility of a staff artist for the blog. I was close to hiring Scott Adams, but once again Google saved the day.

On another note, I watched the Yankees - Mariners game today, in which Yankees pitcher Chien-Ming Wang took a perfect game into the 8th inning. For some reason it wasn't very exciting. The Mariners finally got a hit after they realized the insensitivity they would be showing through the improper timing of another Asian guy with three names being on the news.
-AC

The Gilded Age of Antimino

2007-05-04T23:27:00.000-04:00

School's out for summer. School's out forever! Hurry up Hirschfelder, or we're gonna leave your ass!

Be excited loyal readers, with my new free time, I plan to be on some John D. Rockefeller shit to make this the Gilded Age of the blog.

In the stereotypical "Perfect World": I will make a blog entry every day.

In my own Utopia: I will write every day while getting head, a la Chuck Klosterman. However, the person under my desk will not be named Jonas.

In some Dystopias: I will mindlessly write every day, sending my finished products into a pneumatic tube.

I will be so high off soma, that I will not post anything.

I will write in book form, and it will be promptly burned.

I will make a blog entry every day while being caned by droogs.
-AC

WTF

2007-04-25T05:43:00.000-04:00

So I recently found out my luck is shit. I have officially been expelled from college, Whoopididoo! Fuck it , my dreams of one day being the first man to land on uranus, and makeing the first faux paus joke about it being gasious and full of alien lifeforms has been crushed. I know I'm taking this rather light, but this is supossed to be a blog of humorous proportions. So, where do I see myself in the next 5 years, CASTODIAN fool, and yabba zabba will be my only friend, for all you half baked fans out there. On a happier note, I was able to have sex for 2 hours, a record for me as of late. I acomplished this by, naturally, thinking about baseball, but that didn't help, God damn that Sammy Sosa and that sweet ass of his. I switched from baseball to the Austin Powers method, Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day, but that only reinforced my granny fetish. Then I came, fucking Margaret Thatcher and her, come to think of it I don't really know who she is, but fuck her anyway, oh and I would. Yes my expulsion has put a damper on just about everything for me as of late, but I went out like a true badass. My last words were of course, "Fuck Penn State, and fuck you too" after stating this I walked through a garden and trampled some plants, fucka chlorophyll. As Ed Norton would say, I wanted to destroy something beautiful, and I did, but the plants couldn't really fight back. So this one goes out to all my homies for being there when I needed you. It was all over some weed too, 1.2 grams to be exact, or as the police described it "A vegtable like substance," hey genious if it looks like weed, and smells like weed, it's fucking weed. This last request goes out to our singular overobsessed fan, if you should happen to come across a police officer with the last name Gelgot, fuking stab him in the jugular, then rape his dog, it's a simple request, oh and send pictures.

Bills Rap

2007-04-17T20:31:00.000-04:00

Written in class, and with class

You let analysis cause paralysis
Diddy told your he mastered this
I'll cast your wrist
Cut up your D like Steve Tasker did
Or Lorena Bobbit
Who went crazy when she read the Hobbit
And did some violent shit like Wallace & Gromit
Breaking through the line like Thurman Thomas
On a split belly
Juking out defenders, the hand-off from Jim Kelly
Hook up more collabs than Ghost and Trife
Known to score more than Moulds and Price
Slash up your crew, you know I'm right
How I'm like OJ, I hold the knife

Every minute I try to slay thee
Ghosts that tear my confidence,
Like the knee of McGahee
Your records - I'll top them
With the pinpoint accuracy of JP Losman
And the speed of Bledsoe
Careers dead though
He led those, boys to the cemetery
But not until they fumbled at the hands of Travis Henry
-AC

P.S.: Bills Suck

Overthinking

2007-04-11T23:34:00.000-04:00

This evening I waited in an unmarked line with my concert roll dog (who will be mentioned in this post by his nickname Broseph) for a $2 TV on the Radio concert. After a tongue-in-cheek conversation about if my polo shirt was "scene," we noticed a guy giving the traditional "I need one ticket" hand gesture.

I immediately thought that he was making an ironic statement. It was quite clever that he was referencing buying a scalped ticket, when tickets were available to everyone. Frodoseph humored me about my ironic statement acknowledgment, and said he must be a non-student that needs a ticket.

After more line waiting small talk, NoDozseph saw people with tickets in their hands. I asked a female staff member where to get tickets. The show was sold out, she says, but that I could always bribe someone. I say "Sexually bribe someone, yea that was going to be my next plan" or something to that effect.

Warning: Skip the following part if all that you want is to enjoy a story about me not going to a concert!

Moral of the story: Overthinking that the guy was making an ironic statement cost me precious time that I could have been spending not waiting in line. However, without it I would not be writing this blog post. Although, writing this blog post about overthinking is costing me precious sleeping time.

Recap: Overthinking led to wasted time in line which led to time wasting writing a blog. I'll probably write up a more complex equation tonight about how much time was wasted.
-AC

Comic Look-Alike

2007-04-10T23:09:00.000-04:00

The resemblance is striking between your favorite blogger, and J. Jonah Jameson of Spider Man fame.
I was in the street, celebrating the Gators men's basketball championship with "Instant Champions
Just Add Gatorade" on my chest. Actually, if you're a stickler: Instant Champions was on pectoralis major, and Just Add Gatorade was on my rectus abdominus.
J. Jonah Jameson was most likely yelling at Peter Parker.

PS: I've changed the post title from Separated At Birth? to what you see now. This was done after I realized I don't want the blog sounding like Access Hollywood. Also an old man wouldn't be my twin.
-AC

Guide To Apologizing For Racial Comments

2007-04-09T15:25:00.000-04:00

by Antichrist

1) Say how you have black friends.

2) Apologize to Al Sharpton.

3) Don't try to explain what you meant when you said Barack Obama was the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy, or that the Rutgers women's basketball team are nappy-headed hos. This will only get you into more trouble.

4) Do not make an appearance at Jesse Jackson's protest of you.

5) Apologize until you fade into obscurity.

6) Don't appear drunk in public, or go on stage the Laugh Factory and make the same mistakes.

7) Revive your career only after Dennis Miller has deemed you completely obscure by referencing you in his stand-up.

Space Creature Gives Immigrants Advice

2007-04-08T15:57:00.000-04:00

This is an interactive blog post. Begin by putting your thumb over the eyes, nose, and mouth of "Senator Kennedy."

For last week's National Hispanic Christian Leadership Conference, president Sam Rodriguez invited a special guest to speak about illegal immigration. He was Zev Aberdonia, a member of the Phased Tritons Of The Forgotten Sphere. In a two hour, intimate speech, in which he took the form of Ted Kennedy, several topics were discussed.

The message was clear: immigrants should no longer be kept in the shadows of the world. Dr. Aberdonia cited the US handling of the first planetary visit of the Phased Tritons Of The Forgotten Sphere, when government officials shot down one of the spacecrafts, and promptly denied the existence of his Triton race.

Surprisingly, Dr. Aberdonia was very critical of the conference members' "secret plan" to become recognized as citizens. He compared that complex plan to the simple use of a gamma-ray gun that the Phased Tritons Of The Forgotten Sphere plan to use on the world.

Conference member Estelinda Soto said that the alien's form of Ted Kennedy was very calming to her. "I really related to his story. When he read from the book of Kaptar, about how you should treat every Zyxel how you want to be treated, I was bawling," Ms. Soto said. "He didn't give any advice to us, but it was nice. Anyway, I only came for the free chimichangas."
-AC

Starring EinsTein PaRkEr!; ,;,;.

2007-04-04T22:54:00.000-04:00

Dick Winder: Hello there, LiSteRiners?

Dick Wind: I was born a PoOR, blAck man.
Dick Wind: Patches was My Name-O:P,?

D-Wind: Dick Winder is my slaVEr NamE-O, Little Weeby,
D-Wind: D-Wind is by Black Name, Goobeck!

DW: (I'm not to be confused with PBS's Arthur's little sister, DW!
"""": bitch :UB?

I gotta take a trip with my asshole-made-off-sand.
Did you hear that JimiiE!
ASSHOLE-MADE-OF-SAND!
You spelt of wrong you off-kilter Scottish dumbass!

You'Re a funky snatch, Hilary. (remind me to high-five you later, Bill. That Monica Lewinsky was pretty banging with Hot Sauce (The Gone-E-Pee-Nash), but remember when you stuck your DW into her Anal B-Nash (Bridges) and had you'Re ballZ in her V-snatch (Guy Ritchie).

But, Remember when you recieved Mary Carey first governatic Lap Dance!!! You whirled in to her analhara dessert! YOu gave it to her and it was the first time that your slim-Jim came out spicer than when it came in! Oh I am lamenting. Why did Mary Carey have to be Meagan Harris? She's got a snatch that's spicer than thai-hot red curry! Now that's a Spice Girl: Baby, Ginger, Scary, Sporty and Posh! You fat bitches... AnyWay:R:.,S!

Jack Keroack ain't got nothing from me Jack Hole Productions, etc.
On the road by Jack KEroack/ or/ Tube-ties on the go by Kair-ee, or Keenan and Kel-ree? (KKK, As Brandon hui predicted, volcano boy!)

NE ways. How many of you ladyiees ugs (drunk ladybugs)
Consider yourselfs chubby?
haha. Funny word that chubby. THe bJ machiNe gave me MAD CHUBBIES!
THat's what you're bitches gangs gonna be named: The MAD CHUBBIES (formally known as fat housewives)

Whoop-dee-Whoop, Nigga What?!?
I'm out Shelby Craig, BunTCaKe!

YOur's Trulley.

EINSTIEN "mARTY DOC. BROWN" pARKER!

Einstein Parker, esq.

Round Table Discussion

2007-03-30T21:26:00.000-04:00

by Antichrist

Welcome back readers. I failed you, providing no funny, relevant blog posts for two whole weeks. This one may not be relevant, but I'm not in that kind of mood. In this round table discussion, you will find a dialogue between myself, General Winfield Scott, John Wesley Posey, Hank Williams Sr., and James Naismith. The topic of discussion will be a random Wikipedia article. Go!

Carl: Welcome back team. To start off the discussion, I'd like to know what everybody thought about our trip to Stade d'Agadir.

Hank Williams: The stadium wasn't even done yet.

General Winfield Scott: Why did we go to Africa, I already got me enough slaves.

John Wesley Posey: Man shut the fuck up you racist piece of shit.

Hank Williams: Give him a break, he's from Civil War times.

Carl: So the stadium only holds 40,000 people, what do you think about that?

James Naismith: They're playing soccer, not basketball. Fuck that. S'all I gots to say.

Carl: Well, it'll be done this year, maybe we can go back. Next I want to discuss the Dear Prudence advice column in the online magazine Slate. I asked how our group can be more cohesive.

Hank Williams: We can get closer all by ourselves, just need a little Jambalaya on the Bayou.

General Winfield Scott: Stop pitching your devil music boy.

John Wesley Posey: Shut the fuck up, Win-field.

Carl: Don't let him get to you. I don't think Slate is going to write back, since the column was canceled. You know who can add some fire to our group, if you guys were interested in new members, is Heat Wave, the comic book villain of The Flash.

Hank Williams: Why would we want a complete jerk in the group, we already got Gen. Scott. Give me some love Jimmy.

James Naismith: Count it. So who's watching my creation in action this weekend in the Final Four.

Carl: Fruck yea I am, got my Gators in it to win it.

General Winfield Scott: I think Heat Wave would be a great addition. He does have that phobia of cold, ever since he took that school field trip to a slaughterhouse, and his classmates locked him in a walk-in freezer.

Hank Williams: No means no, dickweed. When are we hitting up that hootenanny?

Carl: Sorry, you misread the letter, Hank. We actually got invited to the Millat Party, a political party in Pakistan, formed by Sardar Farooq Ahmad Khan Leghari.

General Winfield Scott: That's a great name, for someone that works on my farm.

Carl: Aren't you a Union general?

General Winfield Scott: Union or not, I still love me some slaves.

John Wesley Posey: Shut the fuck up, Old Fuss and Feathers!

A Near Death Experience

2007-03-23T18:37:00.000-04:00

A Near Death Experience

Today 3:00 pm I had my first near death experience. On my way home from my college of choice, Penn State Harrisburg, the rain poured and the car roared. Traveling on the Pennsylvania turnpike our two door scion tore up the road. Suddenly I see headlights, I scream “Stop!” and the car comes into a screeching halt. A sport utility vehicle in the right lane spun out of control. The suv’s tire had catastrophically burst at high speeds sending the vehicle careening into the concrete medium. We were no more than 100 feet behind the vehicle, and I’m positive if we had been any close we would have crashed head on into the suv. My heart pounded no humor here, I was shook, and I could barely keep my hands from shaking. We got lucky for sure, the suv finally spun completely around and smashed backwards into the medium for the second time, debris and items from the man’s trunk were scattered all over the road. We immediately pulled over to check on the driver, he was ok, but his suv was totaled. The front left tire was completely off the rim and the rear right tire was resting on the concrete medium. The trunk looked as if someone had tossed a frag grenade inside, nothing but twisted metal and broken glass. It was a scary experience altogether, especially because of our proximity to the wrecked vehicle. It’s strange to think of the what ifs, but we are fine, a little shaken, but ok. I’ve never seen an accident like that up close and personal. The rest of the trip we talked about what had just happened and how close we came to injury and possibly death.

-Minotaur Man

Come To Kenya, We've Got Idol

2007-03-15T23:36:00.000-04:00

by Antichrist

There are only 730,00 televisions in Kenya, but American Idol star Simon Cowell hopes that his new show will be watched on all of them. The tryouts for the summer special, Kenyan Idol, will likely draw the majority of Kenya's 30 million plus population.

Simon and Paula will be without fellow judge Randy Jackson for the tryouts however.

"I ain't going to the tryouts. I wouldn't be able to watch Simon rip the Kenyans apart," Jackson said.

Cowell however provides a different story: "We have enough bloody black people for this one. The point of the matter is that we didn't invite him."

In an interview of what Paula Abdul might expect, she quickly became misty-eyed. "I won't be able to understand a word they say, but my heart will. I think these people truly want to be a pop star, and all of the food that comes with it."

While Simon and Paula will be exiting Kenya after the auditions, Ryan Seacrest has been assigned for the eight week duration. "The shows going to be great. We don't know if it's going to be picked up in the states, and we're not sure how people are going to text their votes, but I'm sure we'll figure it out."

Watching Porn With Your Parents

2007-03-14T00:03:00.000-04:00

If things continue down the same path, this will happen. Of course I don't mean I'll be watching it with your parents. That will have to wait until I become a marriage counselor, and practice groundbreaking procedures. And bed breaking procedures.

Anywho, I've made some dumb decisions about what movies to watch with the fam. Any movie with fucking is going to be awkward. It's also awkward when you pull out your schlong and wack it like the masturbating bear. But I'm pretty sure you know not to do that.

However with the bad decisions I've made (Clockwork Orange, Pick of Destiny, hell even Oliver and Company was too steamy), I've become a little wiser. That wisdom was shown when I received The OH! in Ohio from Netflix today. I decided to watch the movie (an hour and a half of Parker Posey masturbating) by myself. If I watched this with my parents I would be left thinking "omg this is like so awkward." Instead I'm left thinking that I'm in love with Parker Posey, and that she's a goddess of the silver screen. -AC

What movies have you watched with your parents that was awkward like mad nuts?

Results On Fergie

2007-03-13T18:10:00.000-04:00

by Antichrist

In the past, I've wholeheartedly supported that Fergie was in fact, not a butter-face. That time is long gone.

She looks like one of Malcolm McDowell's droogs. Even though I'm notoriously known to give tongue- in-cheek support to causes like the legacy of Dred Scott, this is not one of those cases. I will work toward the acceptance of the idea of Fergie being a butter-face with the same fervor that I fight for Carl Lewis being recognized as an American hero.

Instead of my compelling, "Dude, she's hot" argument, I will rail off a speech in five paragraph essay format, focusing on her flaws. She pisses her pants on stage, is watched by a dancing Asian man (ninja?), and as Silky Johnson would say, she wears underwear with dick holes in them.

What are your thoughts?

Hip-Hop Finance Advice

2007-03-13T18:01:00.000-04:00

At last weekend's Hip-Hop Summit in Houston, rappers gave students financial advice. -AC

Chingy:
"Man, Ching-a-ling's gonna teach you suckas about financing. Ya'll can't be a balla baby like ya boy if you fuck with Nelly. That mutha's gonna try to steal yurr shit, ya hurr. Drop that dough right thurr in tha bank."
Chingy's Tip: Put your money in the bank.

Vinnie Paz:
"Keep a list of your spending daddy! Steadily you'll shine, if you put that info on the line. Ikon the Verbal Hologram! Follow me daddy! Lawnmower man!
Vinnie Paz's Tip: Track your spending.

Paul Wall:
Wuddit do it's Paul Wall. I got the candy apple gloss drippin'. Wood grain grippin'. Got my boy Big Pokey. We doin' the hokey pokey up in this shit. Sittin' sidewayz. Got my Paul Wall grill. Puttin' it down, H-Town.
Paul Wall's Tip: ???

Airplane Monologue

2007-03-12T15:29:00.000-04:00

Of the passenger sitting next to you, who went to the new airport gym before boarding the plane

by Antichrist

Wow I am sore. Gotta stretch a bit. Yeaah. Sorry about my leg brushing up against you. I just went to that airport gym, and my lats are killing Bre.

Oh, me and my friends substitute "Bre" for "me," because I have a friend named Bre. Funny huh. You seem like a nice guy. Whew, it's hot in here. Do you mind if I turn on the little blowing thing?

Ever see Akeelah and the Bee?

I went to this retreat back in high school, but I kind of still keep the message with me you know? It was about how any two people can be friends. I'd like to think it's possible for us two. Good thing this is a long, packed flight.

Think about it, there must be higher love. Do you see?

I am sweaty. It's just that right before boarding is the only time that I can exercise. Before they put in a gym, I would do crunches in the waiting area. I seem to be sweating more than usual.

I actually put on three deodorants. I find the combination to keep me the driest. I've spent about a couple hundred bucks on experimenting with different varieties. The smells don't mix the best together, but it works.

You want to see something gross? Check out this boil on my back.

Guy From The Online Predator Commercial Applies For A Job As A Suicide Hotline Operator

2007-03-11T22:30:00.000-04:00

by Antichrist

Boss: What kind of attributes do you have to set yourself apart from the competition?

Guy: Well, my age lets me play the supportive older guy, and that's interested in the same things.

Boss: So here's a little scenario for you to prove your mettle. A mentally deranged teenager is looking for someone to talk to and connect with. She calls you and starts...

Guy: Chatting seems unthreatening to them. Once I talk about how perfect we are for each...

Boss: Other people may call and talk about having romantic problems that drive them to suicide. What kind of advice would you give a guy that's having problems with...

Guy: Meeting a teen girl online is easy. They're so desperate for...

Boss: Attention is one of the main reasons for calling the hotline. Certain circumstances require you to take lawful measures in meeting...

Guy: Them is the goal. That's when things really get interesting.

Boss: You don't know what you're doing, do you?

Book Feedback

2007-03-10T23:37:00.000-05:00

by Antichrist

I Loved Your Book
As I titled this letter, I really loved your book. Well I didn't put "really" in the title, but I should have, in retrospect. I've attached page 37 of your book to this letter for you to sign. Don't worry, I'll tape it back in after you return the page. Actually I loved that page so much I could probably recite it upon request.

"-ing so hard. Gretchen peeled herself off of the butcher's floor..."

Well you know, haha you wrote it. To be honest, I looked at the page while I was reciting it, so I'm banking on you returning it signed. I would have sent you the whole book, but shipping was too pricey. Money has been tight lately. I actually didn't even buy your book, I stole it from one of the care packages going to the troops. I felt a little guilty, so I tell myself its for enemy troops. Why they would be shipping it out of the US? Maybe it's a UN thing.

Anyway, the book touched me sexually, in a very meta-physical way. It really wasn't even sexual, it was more sensual. Also, it was less meta-physical, and more meta-irony. Let's say I was touched.

My new style of reading is to flip through the first and last chapters, so that I can split the difference and get the gist of the book. I thought there was good flow, structure. Maybe put in some more wordplay to keep the reader interested. Syllable count was good, and um topic was played out.

Return the favor. I've written some books too.
-Stephen King

Cardinal Attempts To Return To Majors As Bat Boy

2007-03-06T23:40:00.000-05:00

by Antichrist

After bouts of extreme wildness caused him to give up pitching, and a future career in the minor leagues made him stop being an outfielder, St. Louis Cardinal Rick Ankiel hopes to get back to the majors by whatever means necessary.

Upon the forced retirement of portly youngster Matthew McGwire (steroids), the bat boy position is open, and Ankiel is not taking his try out lightly. In the current, highly competitive world of bat boyism, the 27-year-old, 6'1" Ankiel hardly stands out. Ankiel was however, one of the few camp invites that was able to lift Albert Pujols' bat.

"I'd do anything to get back to The Show," Ankiel said. "Since I signed straight out of high school, being a hot dog vendor is out of the question. Hell, I could barely count my wild pitches back in the day."

Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa supports Ankiel's decision, and praises his determination. "With his type of talent, I could see him stepping out on the field soon," he said. "We'll obviously start him working during batting practices to get his confidence up."

Unfortunately for Ankiel, equipment manager Rip Rowan does not share LaRussa's optimism. "This is a guy who is past his prime. He has a history of elbow injuries and back spasms. How will he handle the 40 bend downs a game that a bat boy averages? Trust me, I've counted!"

Request II: The Water Planeteer Gets Her Period

2007-03-03T00:14:00.001-05:00

by Antichrist

This crazy ass idea is from my roommate (who may later be featured under the pseudonym Einstine Parker to tell the hilarious story of Hayden Potpan). You may need to hit up wikipedia.org if you're a diehard Antimino fan and want to try to follow this.

Gi: Gaia.

Gaia: What is it Gi?

Gi: I'm breeding.

Gaia: I don't see any blood. Where are you bleeding?

Gi: Down there.

Gaia: Oh I see.

Kwame: Can a negro get some Funions up in this shit?

Gaia: Peace Kwame, be under the calmness of your orator LeVar Burton.

Kwame: Aight den.

Gi: About the breeding.

Gaia: I'll take you to Dr. Blight. I'm sure she'll have some pamphlets my child.

Gi: Doesn't she speciarize in chemicar warfare.

Gaia: That's exactly what this is little one.

Kwame: Man, I'd burn some pork fat off of Hoggish Greedly's ass for some Pork Rinds. Damn.

Ma-ti: What is is Kwame?

Kwame: Ahh, I'd ask you if you had any food, but that shit makes me hungry again two hours later.

Ma-ti: Kwame, I'm not Chinese.

Gi: Werr I am, and I've got a probrem.

Kwame: What you think this is? A job for Captain Planet?

Captain Planet: I'm Captain Planet. What's up my yellow brother?

Ma-ti: Nothing much Captain.

Captain Planet: What's the problem Gaia?

Gaia: Gi got her first period.

Captain Planet: Whew I was beginning to worry.

Gaia: About what?

Captain Planet: I was afraid that we might have had a little Planeteer on our hands. Which would make Ma-ti a sixth wheel.

Kwame: I thought you were hitting Linka?

Captain Planet: You know this is the second season Kwame. I'm over that.

Kwame: That's cool. Yo but, Gi's got the power to control liquids you know. You think she'll be able to handle herself?

Captain Planet: If Gi's on the loose, the streets will run red.

Gi: Fruck you guys!

Future Rapper To Be In Prison Since Birth

2007-03-02T12:31:00.000-05:00

by Antichrist

In Austin, Texas, the abandoned downtown building that symbolized the dot-com collapse was demolished to make way for a new courthouse. Intel abandoned its construction of the building in 2001 when the tech boom fizzled.
The abandoned building being there for six years before being taken down symbolized the laziness of teamsters.

Bills introduced in the Legislature would remove outdated terms such as the word "idiot" from the Ohio Revised Code.
It will be replaced by the word "Republican."

In Indiana, more than 600 convicted felons showed up at the Tippecanoe County fairgrounds to have their DNA collected.
As is customary, the newly convicted were not allowed to go kayaking or bob for apples like the rest.

Utah legislators gave final approval to a measure yanking the driver's license of people who fall behind in child-support payments.
Now they have the excuse that they couldn't drive to the bank.

A northern Kentucky jail is photographing inmates' tattoos in an effort to track and suppress gang activity.
This procedure has been tested at a Kentucky women's jail, where the Tweety Bird gang was successfully put to rest.

Some newborns in West Virginia could live their first 18 months behind bars. A bill passed by the Senate would let women inmates raise their babies in prison to encourage a strong maternal bond.
This makes a reality of Mooj's joke: When your child is born, is he already on parole?

Coming Through On Requests

2007-03-01T09:39:00.000-05:00

by The Count of Antichristo

With as popular (as the Spanish say) this blog (antimino.blogspot.com) has become, it is not queer that from time to time (said in Dane Cook one yellow tooth voice) I get some requests for posts. Maybe its something people specifically want to see (midgets fucking) or something that is funny to them, and want to see me riff upon it (midgets fucking - ok). Either way, I want to give the fans they want.

The first request was from my good friend/lover Heather. This is not to say that Heather and I are lovers, just that she is one, or so I'm told via grapevine. When confronted with the idea de Heather, I was put into blogger's block as they say. Which is to say that I was put into solitary confinement like Paul Newman in Cool Hand Luke. So as a way to have the ideas flow, and make a fan happy (unplugging it conserves energy which makes appliances happy - see Simpsons Treehouse of Horror VIII to find little about that) I pulled somewhat of a James Joyce.

Topic: White Castle Reservations

On the past Valentine's Day, White Castle had the service of reservations to be made, along with the restaurant filled with candled atmosphere. Personally I find nothing more romantic than two lovers quelling their craving. As we all know a craving can be sexual. Maybe not even sexual, but sensual. What I propose mister Gov'nah, is that fulfilling the craving is even more sultry.

Imagine yourself with the girl of your dreams (Janet Reno - After my cloudy dreams I can't remember who the girl was and picture the former attorney general) sitting across from you at a White Castle made to look like The Four Seasons. You've just purchased a Craver Case (30 Slyders for you unbelievers) and have decided to split them equally. The repercussions of this is that you both equally get high from the weed the workers sprinkled in. After two Slyders, the girl has had enough, and you eat 28. I am by no way calling Heather, Janet Reno, upon review that is what it appears as.

So that is your February 14th. Did you enjoy? I thought so. The dream is still going on, and you fast-forward this shit a month. You go back to White Castle with your girl, and they are back to normal. Wellll, aalmost. They serve steak instead of burgers. And you are able to make a reservation. The day is March 14th and you are celebrating Steak & a Blowjob Day.

Tom From Myspace To Record Single

2007-02-28T19:15:00.000-05:00

If your number one friend came out with an album, wouldn't you buy it? Thirty-one year old Tom Anderson hopes this is true for his 159 million friends. He got his first foot through the music business door by starting Myspace Records, and now looks to pursue a solo career.

Tom's single, "Lonely at the Top" was produced by Chris Martin of Coldplay. He hopes to release it on iTunes this week, as well as place it on the upcoming Myspace Records compilation disk.

In what most see as a marketing experiment, Tom's first song is strictly "funk rock." On his future genre choices and inspiration: "My next song will most likely be funk rock, and then coming back from the sophomore slump, I'll give the people what they want, funk rock. Whatever I decide, I'll stay true to the music, and try to cater to each of my friends."

"I want to be like Jay-Z, in that I can sustain my label and solo career, as well as put my songs on other peoples' albums. I want that bitch Tila Tequila to be my Memphis Bleek," Tom said.

Coincidentally, Jay-Z was one of the few who were invited to a special playing of the single at Tom's recording studio in Santa Monica. "The kids got chops. I mean he ain't a kid, but thirty's the new twenty. I'd sign his ass in a New York second, give him my Young Hov blessin. Jigga!" said the Def Jam CEO.

"Lonely at the Top" focuses on what Tom calls "having too many friends to please." It also chronicles his hatred for Facebook in the lyric "Why did Facebook have to take away my audience / Now I'm left with child predators and chicks that don't exist."
-AC

Female Cougar, You Don't Have To Put On The Red Light

2007-02-27T23:27:00.000-05:00

Auto body shop owner Bud Hollensworth was called upon to remove a dead, 5-foot-long python from the dashboard of a car.
Sam Jackson has signed on to play Mr. Hollensworth in the movie adaptation.

Chicago oldest registered voter, Amazon Brooks died this week at age 109. What came as little surprise, Barack Obama lost 100% of his support in the 107+ demographic.

In Alhambra, California, artists featured in a Chinese New Year exhibit at City Hall removed their works after the city banished a piece depicting Mao Zedong next to George Washington. The city said it was pulled because some observers found it offensive.
John Ashcroft however, only wanted to cover up the zedong.

Police are warning of a 200-pound plus woman who heartily embraces men coming out of downtown Buffalo bars and steals their wallets. Dozens of men say they've been victims of the "Hugging Bandit."
No sketch has been drawn up, as all the victims were looking away with their eyes closed.

Newborns exposed to low levels of a chemical used to produce Teflon weigh slightly less and have smaller heads than other babies.
They also grow up to become rappers.

A man faced misdemeanor charges after police found a monkey, an alligator, a tarantula and six piranhas in his home.
He argued that he was trying to find the answer to the age old question: What do you get when you put a monkey, an alligator, a tarantula and six piranhas in a room? You get a misdemeanor.

Biologist determined that a female cougar that was caught in a bobcat trap, was singlehandedly responsible for the increase in the species over the past few years.
The cougar lived in northwestern North Dakota, was 10 years old, and was a whore.
-AC

Carrey Continues Playing Number Games

2007-02-26T21:52:00.000-05:00

Jim Carrey's The Number 23 opened in theaters last weekend, grossing $14.6 million, enough to come in second place behind Ghost Rider. What comes as a surprise is that another Joel Schumacher production is in the works, also starring Carrey.

The thriller, titles The 7 Day Theory features Carrey as a Tupac enthusiast who searches to find the truth about the rapper's "murder." In the story, Carrey finds a spiral notebook containing facts about Tupac's life that have to deal with the number 7. For instance, Tupac "died" at age 25 (2+5=7). Furthermore, he was "born" on February 16. February is the 2nd month, add that to 1 and 6, and you get 9. Subtract that by the 2 in 2Pac, and you get 7. When asked about the relevance, the director Schumacher was quoted as asking, "Do you see?"

The movie revolves around the belief that Tupac is in fact alive, and will eventually return. In a deviation from normal roles, Carrey hopes to: "Get back the fans I've lost since Living Color." Signed on as a supporting cast is Ruben Studdard as Biggie's ghost, and Val Kilmer as Carrey's best friend who doesn't support the quest for the truth.
-AC

The Pope, A-Rod, and Crazy People

2007-02-22T16:17:00.000-05:00

In Maine, a plan by Gov. Baldacci to cut funding to mental health service providers came under sharp attack at a legislative budget hearing. Some in the audience were dressed in black to signal their distress at the proposed reductions.
Others dressed in straight jackets to signal that the plan was crazy.

KFC president Gregg Dedrick sent a letter to Pope Benedict XVI, asking him to lend his personal seal of approval for the new Fish Snacker item "as a way for members of your flock to keep a holy Lenten season."
The Pope was not reached, as he was too busy praying for everyone who has eaten a McGriddle.

Estonia plans to become the first nation to allow Internet voting in national parliament elections.
As expected in online voting, Yao Ming was the highest vote getter.

Brussels Airlines is adding a 14th dot to its logo after superstitious customers in the USA and Italy complained. "They think it brings them bad luck," said Geert Sciot, spokesman for the new Belguim-based airline.
In response, Spirit airlines checked to make sure there were not exactly 13 holes on any of their planes.

On Monday, Alex Rodriguez asked to make a contract with the media that if they stop asking him about teammate Derek Jeter, he'll stop lying to them.
The tentative contract will pay him $1.4 million per interview.
-AC

Antichrist's Warning of the Week: Your Own Street

2007-02-18T18:42:00.000-05:00

Philadelphia Mayor John Street is not selling his children, instead a poor Hungarian village is selling street names for anyone with $511 to spare. The name of the street will not be altered for 300 years. The catch is that Hungarian law states that a street cannot be named after someone living.

Is buying a street in the village of Ivad, a ticket to an early grave (a la taking TrimSpa or an airplane with Richie Valens and Buddy Holly). Both too soon. Anyhow this scheme reminds me of a movie rental place that sold me a lifetime membership and promptly moved out. They would have probably moved out right when I gave them the money, and would have been happy with their profit.

Immortality for 5 benjis and a case of Rolling Rock? Would you pay for a street to be remembered, when you die and everyone who knew you dies? I would want to be around and enjoy it, throwing it wildly into conversation. I could however buy a street and name it antimino.blogspot.com and I could see the purchase go effect when the website dies (sometime around spring break).

The mayor hopes to attract stars to lend their name: "If, for example Barbra Streisand, whom I like a lot, has no street named after her, she may decide to have one in our village." I think the most likely famous buyer is Stephen Colbert. He loves that kind of stuff. Extending his celebrity to the poorest of countries.
Link

PBS Top Ten

2007-02-12T19:25:00.000-05:00

President Bush is reopening the fight over government support of public television, unveiling a 2007 government fiscal year budget that would cut federal funding for the Corporation for Public Broadcasting by nearly 25 percent. Link

Top Ten Ways PBS Will Have To Cut Back On Spending
by Antichrist

10. Carmen Sandiego can only travel the continental United States

9. To save money on costume cleaning, Sesame Street will now have Relatively Large Bird

8. Antiques Roadshow loses its travel budget and has to record all shows from Flea Market Montgomery

7. Charlie Rose interviews an ambassador of a model UN

6. ZOOM can still be made by kids, but it has to be for everybody

5. Tavis Smiley interviews the stars of Zyzzyx Road

4. Bob Ross' The Joy of Painting is edited to have 15 less happy little trees

3. Educational shows only have enough funding to teach kids to count to 7

2. Reading Rainbow loses the rights to all authors except Joan Didion

1. It's economical for Bert and Ernie to apply for a civil union

Minotaur Man's Life Lessons #'s 1 and 2

2007-02-11T15:32:00.000-05:00

Few people have had such an experience of being knocked unconscious. I have a pretty unique experience when it comes to this topic. One day I found myself in a fit of hunger at 3 in the morning, so I work my way down the steps, across the squeaky floor, across another squeaky floor, and finally across a squeaky kitchen floor. I reach my destination, the fridge, I search the fridge for anything that will provide minor nourishment, and all I see is fucking ketchup and fucking applesauce. I take the apple sauce with a grain of salt, because naturally I like all my food with exactly one grain of salt in it, then open the fridge. Much to my dismay the applesauce ends its short, saucy, little life all over my kitchen floor. I bend down to pick up the desecrated applesauce from my tiled floor, then for some strange reason I get the superhuman ability to stand up 4x faster than the speed of sound. There are two problems with this newfound ability, one the freezer door is still open, and two once you are knocked unconscious this ability mysteriously disappears. So what I am trying to say through extreme sarcasm is I stood up really fast and smashed my head on the freezer door above knocking myself unconscious for a couple minutes. When I come to I am confused, then I look up at the open freezer door, and everything comes flooding back. I look around “Good no one saw” I think to myself, then slowly rise; I grab another applesauce and quietly walk back to my room in a daze. Life lesson #1 remember to always close open doors that are above your head, life lesson #2 if your going to have a super power make it something cool, because having the ability to stand quickly is lame.

Shroom Burger with a Side of Shrooms

2007-02-10T04:01:00.000-05:00

College is a place for new and unique experiences. As you’ve probably figured out by reading the title, the “Experience” I am referring too is the consumption of psychedelic mushrooms. What an experience it was, here are my scattered thoughts that I had while in the frenzy of the shroom.

11:10pm in someone’s room

The shrooms were divided among the four of us.

1. Irish

2. Little John- not the rapper

3. Me

4. Chris

Irish is the first to eat a cap; he says “It tastes like dirt.” “Dirt you say” I respond, upon stating this we all went into a feeding frenzy of sorts, and devoured our shrooms in mere seconds. Irish the states we must go to a person’s apartment to write a speech.

11:30pm Alyssa’s apartment

I found out whose apartment it was, I’m starting to feel funny like someone turned on the laughing gas full blast. Suddenly I grow a Charlie Brown type smile, or you could say I was all teeth. I decide to grip a cactus in my right hand; I hold it for a minute and immediately regret such a decision. After Little John gets done pulling out the tiny quills imbedded in my hand we decide to explore new horizons.

12:00am Chris’ room

I pester Chris for a bowl; I am finally gratified when I get the bowl in my hands. I am laughing hysterically about nothing, I move to my room. Guitar sounds amazing; I get preoccupied with some of my posters for a while. Then I move to another apartment to find the others. I wander into a dark room filled with people, this is strange to me for some reason, visualizations play on the TV, and a heavy metal band plays in the background. Little John is fascinated by the visualization features on the X-Box 360; it allows you to control the motion of the camera on the screen. I hear laughter from one of the rooms, my spidey senses tell me that I am in store for a lot of doobage.

12:30am-12*&!@??//?! Smoke Filled Room

Wha… I fade in and out of some weird trance, strange thoughts fill my head. I am delving deep into my sub conscious thinking about existence. I exit the smoke filled room with a burst of deep throated laughter. I stumble into Little John’s room. My eyes catch an inflatable Brian (from Family Guy) safety flotation device, at least that’s what I think it is. I grab it and notice the strange sensation of wetness, Little John walks in the room and I loose it “Eww what did you do with this thing, take a fucking bath with it” I throw it at him in anger. He looks at me and says “Dude this shit isn’t wet at all, in fact it’s quite dry” I am taken aback by this statement, the sensation of wetness was an illusion brought on by the shrooms. I sit for a while and time seems to pass by quickly, I am completely detached from my body, it sounds scary, but it actually was quite enjoyable. People keep coming and going in and out of the apartment, I rise to my feet and head back to my apartment. All four of us gather in the living room, Irish Chris and I are on the couch and Little John is standing in the center of the room. He says he is some type of philosopher, and then he explains how he is seeing everything with the perspective of a camera on a free faller’s helmet cam. We continued to discuss religion and topics of strange deepness, and I never quite heard an expression like “I don’t give a kippers dick” until that night. That had me thinking, “What the fuck is a kipper” and to this very day I still have no idea. After what seemed like 3 days the shroom high had begun to fade and we were left sober, explaining what had just happened to our bodies and our perception. All in all, I thoroughly enjoyed the experience, maybe I’ll take more next time, I want to see Paul Bunyan and his blue donkey riding through the fray of battle next time, even though Paul was in fact a peaceful man, except for when it came to trees.

Minotaur Man

Peyton Manning Is A Loser

2007-02-08T12:35:00.000-05:00

by Antichrist
Link

Of course I don't mean the MVP of the Super Bowl, I mean the drunk ass formerly known as Scott Wiese. He's a die-hard Bears fan that said he'd change his name to Peyton Manning if the Colts beat them in the Super Bowl. Good thing Marques Tuiasosopo isn't on the team.

I could imagine myself saying something like this as a joke. Some things that Scott Wiese did that I wouldn't do were: drunkly signing a petition outside of the bar and getting 15 minutes of fame off a gimmick by following through with the bet.

One obvious benefit is telling drunk chicks that you're Peyton Manning (which you could essentially have work with any athlete's name, except John Amaechi).

Turn Off Your iPod, Look Both Ways

2007-02-07T14:42:00.000-05:00

by Antichrist
Link

Starting today, Albany pedestrians will be fined $100 if caught crossing a city street while listening to an iPod.

I've been deliberating over the correct word to describe this law, and here it is: Bogus. Short and simple, Muggsy Bogus. I agree that having your iPod in puts you at risk in the year 2007. Maybe I'm just a risk taker. I say bring back the Evil Knievel era, so that I don't feel like I'm living on the edge when I smoke crack or don't use a rubber.

I actually feel more safe walking across the street with my iPod than on the sidewalk. People in bikes will sneak up on me (usually high-wheel bikes), and I put both of us at risk when I flail my arms to the drum solo of Moby Dick. Maybe the police should take into account what kind of music you were listening to. They would love this, because it would be another way to discriminate. Listening to Skid Row would probably put you at optimal levels of awareness, whereas Ravi Shankar will place a target for oncoming traffic. If I got hit by a car while listening to Ravi Shankar, I'd be like "It's all good my brother. Go in peace until I see you in the next life."

I also feel that there are more distracting things when you are walking across the street like the mesmorizing walk stick figure. Maybe Albany should ban women from wearing midriff-bearing attire if they plan on crossing the street. Or in a memorable case, any large breasted blonde wearing an A&W root beer t-shirt. Walking into a car, shit I could have walked into an obelisk, which is ironic because I had one in my pants. I had just gotten back from the Victory Obelisk in Moscow, and had bought a souvenir. Actually when I was drunk I did walk into the actual obelisk, but that's a story for a different date, were it not for me just telling the story now.

A terrible idea? Vitally important for pedestrian safety? It is good to see Albany putting people first, much like Portland, Oregon does (second being public transportation, third is cars). $100 for each offense, the government won't know what to do with all of them. Or maybe they will.

It's Legal, But Not In The US

2007-02-06T20:14:00.000-05:00

by Antichrist
Link

In a story that will only tantalize teens that love Phish, beluga caviar is now legal, but only overseas. While it is still relatively easy to score some in America, albeit with rising prices, officials expect an influx of travelers to one of the five Caspian countries. This is mainly due to the desire to walk right up to a cop and eat beluga caviar in his face.

What is surprising is that environmentalists are against the legalization. Stereotypes insist they like to sit around in a circle and pass the bowl off to their friends. If they were to indulge, a minor still finds it easier to get his hands on some beluga caviar than a bottle of corona.

A message to caviar-heads: If the issue comes up in a vote, try to remember to make it there. I know how easy you guys forget things.

Antichrist's Warning of the Week: Wookiee Nipple Pinchy

2007-02-05T17:27:00.000-05:00

Link
The man on the left, Brian Sapir, is a tour guide that got a Wookiee angry. Angry enough that the Chewbacca impersonator kept his crossbow tucked away in his wooly Wookiee fur, and dealt a head-butt.

There are several warnings in this tale. First this guy had it coming. I'd give him a head-butt even if he didn't do anything to me. The way he's pursing his lips and arguing with Chewy; not cool with me. He also probably wouldn't like being called Tapir, because he's not a fan of Space Odyssey.

Second warning: don't come out of character. The Chewy impersonator said, "Nobody tells this Wookiee what to do." Pretty cool quote before going Zinedine Zidane on someone's ass, but nowhere near Wookiee dialect. It all started after he was harassing Chinese tourists. The problem is: Chewy is noted as being good friends with mysterious creatures under four feet.

The third and final warning is using your police humor to joke about the situation. The police lieutenant was quoted as saying, "The lesson here is you can have the force with you. You just can't use illegal force." Keep your cop humor where it belongs, in the prisons torturing inmates.

Emoboy39 Web Log

2007-02-01T22:22:00.000-05:00

My day was tortured by the days of a thousand martyrs. I sent shadowed thoughts to everyone who harmed me today.

For about a week now I've been planning out how I'm going to talk to Janice, the hottest girl in school. I've been froogling books that have witty pickup lines. You're So Fine, I'd Drink a Tub of Your Bathwater is coming in 3-5 business days.

But I couldn't wait said shipping time.

She walked by my desk today, and I said Hey J.

No one calls her J! Where in the comforting pits of hell did that come from? And the way I said "hey" aw it was so bad. Old people (whom I hate) would think I said it like Fonzi. Cool kids (whom I hate) would think I said it like Young Jeezy. Either way, it came out like "A."

So the recap is that my queen of darkness Janice walks by my desk, and I say A J of all things. She starts to laugh as well as everyone in the room. I tried to talk to Janice, and I said my own fucking name.

Now everybody at school is calling me a Pokey-man. The world is so fake. They say Pokey-man, like they're too cool to know it's pronounced Pokemon. Like they didn't have the red, blue, and gold versions. Like they didn't take their cards to Burger King to trade. Until I evolve into something that can destroy my foes, this has been Emoboy39.
-AC

Duck, Duck, Goose Gossage

2007-01-31T15:19:00.000-05:00

by Antichrist

Jois: Did you ever play Duck, Duck, Goose Gossage when you were little?

Tom: You mean Duck, Duck, Goose?

Jois: NO! That's what we used to play, until Goose Gossage came to our school. He did a nationwide tour, didn't he stop at your school?

Tom: No, what did he say?

Jois: He pitched us his book The Goose is Loose, and told us to play Duck, Duck, Goose Gossage instead of what we we're playing.

Tom: He should have his own line of vodka.

Jois: He doesn't drink. Goose Goosage recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Tom: So what's different about Duck, Duck, Goose Gossage?

Jois: Instead of running after people you get a ball and have to get three people out. And you've never played that?

Tom: No, I played Duck, Duck, Rollie Fingers.

High Brow / Low Brow Activity Tally

2007-01-30T20:36:00.000-05:00

by The Count of Antichristo

High Brow

Donated to cancer research
Got two foreign movies (Jean-Luc Godard's Contempt and Jean-Pierre Melville's Le Cercle Rouge) and a book (Nabokov's The Eye) from the library
Read the Times
Admired a socially conscious wall constructed on campus

Low Brow

Made a joke about The Big Bopper
Read USA Today
Laughed at the brick in the wall that said "Cum Dumpster"
Played Wario Ware: Smooth Moves on the Wii

Baraka To Run For President

2007-01-29T17:33:00.000-05:00

In a surprise decision this week, Mortal Kombat character Baraka, has thrown himself into the pit of Democratic nomination hopefuls. The unforgiving Tarkatan warrior (full name Baraka Bama) could be the first President to be a five star general since Eisenhower.

Baraka has also garnered some interest from the Religious Right. He exhibits an undying loyalty to his "master," and is not keeping it in the shadows. His religious opposition comes mainly from the Shaolin Monks, after Mr. Bama orchestrated an attack on the Shaolin Temple of Light.

Due to increase popularity with Netherealm demons, some wonder if he is fully Tarkatan enough, due to his Outworld ancestry. However it is hard to deny his unique features: a long face, sharp teeth, and blades coming out from his arms.

While Baraka has not fully revealed all of his platform, some of his morals have been put into question. For one his marital status raises a slew of issues. Since he currently has a queen, Mileena, will he push to establish a monarchy? Also to make matters even more complicated, Mileena is a clone, which brings in ethical problems.

Mr. Bama's plan for the war in Iraq seems to be predictable. He lacks a moving move, so will not quickly put forth an exit strategy. However, it is probable that he will change the amount of troops in the order of: up, down, down, up.

In closing, if Baraka Bama can dispell the notions that he is an inexperienced low-tier contender, expect him to shred the competition.
-AC

Lost Art: Net Hopping

2007-01-26T15:31:00.000-05:00

by Antichrist

Link

In today's world of fist pumping and stationary jumping, tennis players no longer bound over the net to shake the hand of their defeated foe. Does it come off as being a poor sport?

I say jumping over the net is the third, no the fourth coolest thing you can do while playing tennis.

1) Going over the net Hulk Hogan style

2) Making out with a ball girl during a point

3) Hitting the ball between your legs

4) Jumping over the net

Falling on your face while trying to net-hop is the most embarrassing thing you can do while playing tennis.

1) Face flop

2) Losing to Anna Kournikova

3) Getting your endorsement deal with Puma dropped

4) Hitting yourself with the racket

Dorm Law #11 - Myspace / Facebook

2007-01-25T20:54:00.000-05:00

If someone leaves their Myspace or Facebook account signed onto your computer, you have the right to edit their information as you see fit.

The more creative the editing the better, you can change their listed sexual orientation, leave comments on other people's wall, or something more extreme like deleting their friends.

You can leave your account signed onto your own computer, because that is just time efficient.
-AC

Unabomber Journal Entry

2007-01-24T14:35:00.000-05:00

by Antichrist
Link

"Mr. Kaczynski, 64, is in a legal battle... over the future of the handwritten papers, which include journals, diaries and drafts of his anti-technology manifesto."

An Antimino exclusive: Excerpts From Ted Kaczynski's Journal

March 3, 1990
Leftist Propaganda

We have determined that this monstrosity doesn't fulfill the power process. I defy you to find something more meaningless than a latex dong strapped to your chin. We already feel that an excessive amount of sex doesn't fill any biological necessity, this is only forwarding that mindset.

Man will one day look back on the Accomodator as a technological advancement by the government to keep down population, as well as dividing the world. Users and non-users will not be able to cooperate, and humans will have less power than humanity as a whole. The Freedom Club will not stand for this disaster for the human race.

August 27, 2006
Jailtime Salvation

I take back everything we said about the Accomodator. Time passes so quickly now that someone sent us this in a package.

I admit I had never tried it when I first condemned this latex masterpiece. I've had it for a couple months and my roommate and I get along so much better now. Ahh, I'm so happy, and I thought of a tagline if the makers let me endorse the product:

The Accommodator is The Bomb-inator!

Whodunit: Mayor's Murder

2007-01-22T14:39:00.000-05:00

by Antichrist
Link

After the mayor of the Spanish village of Fago was found dead in a ditch (shot at least four times in the head and chest at point-blank range), the entire village, with a population of 37, is a suspect.

Mayor Miguel Grima was hated by everyone (think Carrot Top), and here at the Antichrist & Minotaur Man blog, we have provided you with the list of the most realistic suspects. Faithful readers, do your part to help the Fagonians, and pick out the killer(s).

Roberto Nacio - This 7'1" man dreamed of playing in the NBA, or the Spanish equivalent. Mayor Grima however banned basketball from the only flat land in the village. With the mayor gone, Mr. Nacio could pursue his hoop dreams, instead of being constantly asked why he doesn't play center for the Knicks, or the Spanish equivalent Las Bragas.

Javier Victorino - One of the hunters who was refused a license by Mayor Grima. This may have prevented him from killing the mayor even earlier.

Selina Gracia - After the mayor banned home improvement, Mrs. Gracia could no longer nag her husband to fix the rat hole in the wall.

Marco Vidal - The village's oldest inhabitant lost his favorite hang out spot after the mayor closed down the bed and breakfast because it rivaled his own Grima House.

Leticia Ramona - The mayor put a large tax on outdoor tables of the village's only bar. Ms. Ramona, the international beirut player, was forced indoors where Roberto Nacio's advances disrupted her games.

100th Post Extravaganza: Sam & Carl Show Volume 1

2007-01-19T06:50:00.000-05:00

Here is a compilation of sketches Carl and I did, it is some of our earlier attempts at comedy. The show holds a special place in my heart, and I hope you enjoy. If the video doesn't workuse this link.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Af08XhPEiNI

Sam and Carl Show!

In My Free Time

2007-01-08T15:05:00.000-05:00

100th Post Coming Soon

I’ve had a lot of free time lately, being as the first semester is over and all. Now you might be asking yourself “Then why, Minotaur Man, haven’t you posted more in the blog,” or you might be asking yourself “There’s a Minotaur Man now, when the fuck did this happen!” Well there is a Minotaur who’s supposed to be contributing around here, but he’s a lazy fat stupid Minotaur. Now concerning me, I have had a severe lack of ideas in the past month or two, or three, so my free time online was spent, of course, on pornography. The online porn world is a strange and sticky place, I think I’ve seen a BJ in almost every possible setting, even on my back once. In my search for inspiration, I smoked so much doobage that I had to grip the floor to stop myself from flying away. Upon smoking much doobage I climbed Mt. Vesuvius in search of my ancestry, but it’s a fucking volcano, it might have been Mt. San Bruno though I don’t remember I was really stoned at the time, cus of the doobage of course. I sat down in the grass and watched the sun set, then suddenly from the grave rose Bob Dylan, wait Bob Dylan isn’t dead, now I remember it was Tom Dylan, Bob’s younger, dead, less successful, long lost, folk singing, additional adjective, younger brother. Anyway he sang Mr. Tambourine man and lulled me to sleep, then the bastard took my wallet, but he did leave me with this, my shoes, and just my shoes. So now I was naked and being naked reminded me of porn, and that’s how I got the idea for this post, so bam right back where we started.

-Minotaur Man

Why I Blog

2007-01-05T21:41:00.000-05:00

by Antichrist
Do I blog for therapy? No. Ironically the writer's block that I get may drive me crazy enough to need therapy. Okay, you don't have to be crazy to go to therapy, it can be maintenance. Maybe I'll go and see if the therapist has any good blog ideas.

My main reason for avoiding therapy is that my love life will come up in conversation, and after explaining my sexual escapades in great detail, I'll find out that the therapist is the girl's mom.

That reason for avoiding therapy is nullified by the lie about a love life. Also by referencing the movie Prime. Which is not about prime numbers (if that's your thing, see The Cube), but about the above scenario, albeit skewed to include myself.

Okay, back to why I blog. The second highest percentage would have been my pick. I blog to give my friends something funny to read, and with the personal posts (rare) tell people I haven't seen in a while (Minotaur Man), what I'm up to.

The poll doesn't list the original purpose for a web-log, which is to be an online journal. I don't blog to improve my writing skill. I tried that with the idea of having a Patchwork Novel, early in life of this blog. Some douche bag posted a negative comment, and that killed my confidence in the idea. Ohh, that's good for blog-based therapy.

Do I blog for fame or notoriety? If it comes, it comes. However I'm not even to the place where I get the opportunity to suck a few dicks at a bus stop outside of a magazine office to get an article about the blog. I'm at the place where I would have to suck a few dicks to get the money to put an ad out in the Cold Mountain Review of Appalachian State University.

Why do you blog?

Antichrist & Minotaur Man Blog News

2007-01-04T23:32:00.000-05:00

Greeting valued visitors,

It's an exciting time to be a fan of the site. Our 100th post is coming up soon, so get pumped for that. Also the blog's been featured on some different sites, with good things to say.

Minotaur Man's Units In The Ocean was selected among the Best in Show at Dr. Blogstein's Funniest Posts of 2006 Blog Carnival.

"Admittedly, I had never heard of the blog "Antichrist & Minotaur Man" before I started doing this Carnival but now that I've discovered it, I'll have to return some more. This guy is funny."

While the current homepage may not best reflect the complete blog (with the comics and a top ten list), I submitted this site to BloggyAward.com. Blogger's background and features didn't help our score, but the grader gave some nice comments. See the complete anaylsis Here.

"From the title you might assume that this blog would be pretty dark. On the contrary it is actually a very funny blog with lots of crude and politically incorrect jokes."

"Reading Enjoyment - 9
A really funny blog to read. College life and college humour here. Even the personal posts are usually humorous in nature."

Critique My Blog had this to say:

Despite the crazy and a little offensive title...the blog is actually pretty good. It's for the most part good clean fun and parts of the blog keep your attention...Not a bad job and worth a look for sure.

Lastly, I found a site that estimates the worth of your blog.

My blog is worth $2,258.16.
How much is your blog worth?

-AC

Online Comics

2007-01-03T21:41:00.000-05:00

The Tunnel of Love

2007-01-02T17:40:00.000-05:00

Overweight woman gets stuck in tunnel and traps 22 tourists

My imagination took over when I read the headline. I immediately thought that a fat lady went into a cave and took people hostage. Maybe because I watched The Negotiator a couple nights ago. I guess you can't get out the way you came in The Tunnel of Love. That's weirdly poetic. In other terms, if the tunnel was Mario Kart, you couldn't race the track in reverse.

The story wasn't as funny without a devious plot, but the article did say that the rescuers gave chocolate bars to the tourists. It didn't say that they gave any to the trapped fat woman. She was probably unhappy about that, but it wouldn't help her get unstuck. Mainly because, and allow me to use an analogy,

Fat Lady : Chocolate :: Popeye : Spinach.

I'm probably losing half of my blog audience, so why not go for the other half, sexual deviants.

Mannequin fetishist could get life

This 39 year old guy, Ronald Dotson, smashes the windows to get the mannequins he desires, and I'm assuming fucks them without a rubber. Because as we all know you don't need one, if that's what their vagina is made out of. That's assuming that they were rubber mannequins, and not plastic ones, which don't have as much give. Also plastic mannequins are known to spout these out:

And the worst thing is you can't get an abortion because plastic surgeons aren't licensed to give them.

My favorite part of the story was that they found "him in an alley behind a woman's store with three lingerie-clad mannequins." These are three nice girls all with jobs, why can't you just take them home and show them a good time. If he treats them like real women, the police should lock him up for rape. [/Colbertian tongue in cheek line]

He'll probably regret it all while he's spending the jail time. Maybe he's on some Mr. Magoo shit and he thought they were humans. That's a storyline that I guarantee was thrown out during a writer's meeting.

To not offend anyone and retain readers: I'm sure all of the overweight woman's hostage demands were met, and Victoria's Secret has hot mannequins.

-AC

Antichrist's Warning of the Week: Crazy Statues

2007-01-01T16:34:00.000-05:00

This is indeed a crazy statue, and should only be put to use by a guy who a) wants to show his significant other that not only is he disinterested in having kids, but they are a force that are to be fended off, preferably naked or b) wants to freak out his neighbors.
A woman could have this statue if a) she's a feminist who thinks that the statue displays a common hobby of men or b) she's turned on by it.

For everyone else, having this statue would get you confused with crazy ass Gary Busey, and prompt the question: Where's the matching totem pole that you constructed after you saw a patch of berries and thought that eating all the berries would be nourishment from the earth?

If you're rich enough to have a statue built in your likeness, it's even more tempting to make it a crazy statue. Instead of a statue of you standing upright, it is much more enticing to have you fighting the Viet Cong with a broken Samurai sword, or giving a blowjob to Napoleon.

A Crazy Girls statue is alright, however it quickly attracts horny old men.

What's your interpretation of the meaning of the Baby Fighter statue?

A Post To Insure...

2006-12-31T21:34:00.000-05:00

That I start off next year with a better blog entry

Who is Snarf's favorite baseball player?

DeLion-O DeShields

Happy New Year!
-AC

Post a corny joke.

Antichrist's Top Ten Movies of 2006

2006-12-30T20:12:00.000-05:00

1) Snakes on a Plane
2) The Departed
3) Jackass: Number Two
4) The Prestige
5) Borat
6) Lucky Number Slevin
7) Casino Royale
8) Rocky Balboa
9) 16 Blocks
10) Grandma’s Boy

What was your favorite movie of 2006?

Rocky Balboa

2006-12-29T21:45:00.000-05:00

by Antichrist
After Rocky V left the character as a crazy street fighter, on some Blanka shit, Rocky Balboa brought the Italian Stallion back to respectability. I saw the movie today with my pops, and I liked it better than IV and V. The thing that I can't get past about Rocky IV is the stupid talking robot.

Unfortunately, Paulie (Rocky's brother-in-law) reprised his role in the latest film. Also unfortunate is that they didn't kill him off to give me joy. Paulie's one of my most hated cinematic characters. He's so inept and annoyingly drunk.

The fight sequence was pieced together well. The fight had a Celebrity Boxing since Sly's aged. The training was cool. The funniest training montage is Rocky IV, where they show the Russian Ivan Drago using exercise machines with blinking computers and then cut to Rocky doing a ghetto version of the same exercise. My favorite montages are in Rocky III: the beginning of the movie where they keep cutting to an angry Clubber Lang (Mr. T) and the montage of Apollo training Rocky.

In impulsive Christmas money spending fashion, I bought an Apollo Creed shirt online.

Who's your favorite Rocky opponent?
Apollo Creed - The Man
Clubber Lang - Crazy Mofo
Thunderlips - Hulk Hogan
Ivan Drago - My Russian Brethren, But Ruthless Killer
Tommy Gunn - Wack
Mason Dixon - Modern Fighter Persona

Conversations With Minotaur Man

2006-12-28T18:59:00.000-05:00

That We've Been Having For Years (And That All Progress The Same Way)
by Antichrist

Antichrist: I don't have any money though.
Minotaur Man: Why don't you donate your sperm.
Antichrist: I couldn't do that. Because I couldn't have my child being brought into the world without being a part of his or her life.
Minotaur Man: Dude, I was only kidding.
Antichrist: Could you do it? They pay well.

Antichrist: Do you think that he's smart, but he's just keeping it to himself. Like deep down he could be brilliant.
Minotaur Man: No dude, he's a dumbass.
Antichrist: I know, but what if he's smart.
Minotaur Man: Carl, he's a dumbass.
Antichrist: Okay.

Antichrist: What about The Silence Is Deafening?
Minotaur Man: That doesn't make any sense.
Antichrist: Like the silence. It can be deafening.

Person 1: How hot was that hot sauce?
Person 2: Soo hot, dude.
Person 3: Needlessly hot.

Person 1: I seen (enter hoebag's name) yesterday.
Person 2: How's she looking dude?
Person 1: She's looking good man.
Person 2: Don't tell me these things.

Searching For A Flavor

2006-12-27T21:04:00.000-05:00

by Antichrist
Jois: You have to agree though that Taco Bell is the best restaurant.

Tom: Even with that E. coli thing?

Jois: You're gonna think I'm crazy but during that week, Taco Bell was putting out some of the best food that I've ever eaten there.

Tom: Yea, probably because somebody actually made them clean the place.

Jois: Now you know my girl Ashley used to work there.

Tom: She was a slut, and sluts like it dirty.

Jois: All Ashleys are sluts though.

Tom: The proper term is Ashli.

Jois: Whatever. Yo, dude I think I realize what made the tacos taste so good.

Tom: What?

Jois: The E. coli, man. It gave it an extra tang or something.

Tom: Tang? That doesn't make any sense.

Jois: You're right, it was more of a zest.

Tom: So what are you gonna do, get it in your food?

Jois: Yea, how do I do that?

Tom: Shit where you eat.

Jois: No Tom. No! Ben Franklin told me not to shit where I eat.

Tom: The fuck are you talking about?

Jois: Wasn't that one of his haikus?

Tom: Proverbs.

Jois: In Little Richard's?

Tom: Poor Richard's.

Jois: Alma Mater?

Tom: Almanac. Did you really think it was Little Richard's Alma Mater?

Jois: No, I know it's Oakwood Theological College in Huntsville, Alabama.

Tom: All I have to say to that is: Tutti Frutti, Good Booty.

Antichrist's Top Ten Albums of 2006

2006-12-26T21:46:00.000-05:00

1) Red Hot Chili Peppers - Stadium Arcadium
2) Gnarls Barkley - St. Elsewhere
3) Robert Randolph & The Family Band - Colorblind
4) The Roots - Game Theory
5) John Mayer - Continuum
6) Snoop Dogg - Tha Blue Carpet Treatment
7) Jay-Z - Kingdom Come
8) John Legend - Once Again
9) Vakill - Worst Fears Confirmed
10) Busta Rhymes - The Big Bang

Honorable Mention: Albumen (Egg White)

What was your favorite album of the year?

Barney Goes To Southeast Junior High School

2006-12-24T00:59:00.000-05:00

School Bans Hugging

by Antichrist

Principal Deb Wretman: Well I was told I would have a special visitor today, and the name Carey Stinson didn't ring any bells. Nice to meet you Barney, I mean Mr. Stinson. Ha ha, it's hard not to call you Barney when you're wearing the suit.

Barney: Golly Ms. Wretman I want to get down to business. You fuckin took away the kids' right to hug each other.

Principal: That was a decision that stemmed from girls creating traffic in the hallways. The average hug is between three to five seconds. The dynamics of the act can be sustained...

Barney: Don't give me this scientific bullshit. For all you know, I invented the hug.

Principal: Mr. Stinson, please calm down.

Barney: I'm calmer than you are, dude.

Principal: Will you just take it easy?

Barney: Calmer than you are.

Principal: I appreciate all that you've done for kids, but...Close the door Howard. This stays in this room. It's more than just the hallway traffic with hugs.

Barney: Oh?

Principal: We really just don't want to ship out girls with lick-her licenses. We are in Iowa.

Barney: Now that ain't right. Sharing is caring bitch.

Principal: What? I don't see how that applies.

Barney: It's not right that you had sexual undertones in your decision.

Principal: Coming from a guy who had a sidekick named B.J.

Barney: You leave Superhead out of this...I mean BJ the dinosaur.

Principal: Show me what you got baby.

Barney: Bitch I should tear this place down, and leave you as Barney's Rubble.

Dinner Prep

2006-12-23T12:36:00.000-05:00

Are you still coming over for dinner tonight? Cool, my family's a little weird, don't be freaked out.

Well, they don't use forks. There's none in the house. They read online somewhere about Satan's pitchfork, so they think using a fork symbolizes a reliance on the devil.

Yea, we celebrate Halloween, why? Oh, they haven't found anything online about that.

So other than that, I think you're ready to meet them. We have plenty of spoons and a big collection of knives.

I suppose that is ironic. My family has a nice gun collection too.
-AC

How do you prep someone for meeting people you know?

Hey Ma, Where'd You Used To Hide My Presents?

2006-12-22T23:51:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking lately about the house I grew up in, where did you used to stash my Christmas presents?

The last place I'd look? Ma, the last place I would look is LaGaurdia Airport. C'mon.

The linen closet? I had that on lock, nothing was going in or out of that on my watch.

You waited until Christmas Eve didn't you. Well, all that searching back then wasn't useless, I found some of my old toys.
-AC

This post has been submitted for The Bestest Blog Carnival. To get some comments going: Did you try to find your presents before Christmas? Where were they hidden?

Antichrist Confronts: His Body Dysmorphia

2006-12-21T19:43:00.000-05:00

Antichrist: You best be gone body dysmorphia. Go on, shoo. You're starting to get to me.

Body Dysmorphia: I'm here for good in this shit. Man up, little nigga.

Antichrist: C'mon, you know I'm not little. I try to work out everyday.

Body Dysmorphia: That's right you skinny bitch, you try, and fail everytime. Ehh-HAA. Count it, like the census.

Antichrist: Shut up you orange fuck.

Body Dysmorphia: I'm in ya head now, punk bitch. Oh shit, I gotta take this call. It's ya moms, she wants to know if you can come home before dinner. She's gotta use your pecs as a cutting board. Ehh-HAA. Count it like a scoreboard in this shit.

Antichrist: I should crush you.

Body Dysmorphia: Them titties flatter than the high school bitches you fuck with. Ehh-HAA. Count it like calories, skinny prick.

Antichrist: That is funny.

Body Dysmorphia: See little nigga, you need me.

Antichrist: I can't quit you, body dysmorphia.

Winner: Body Dysmorphia

First Semester Pics Volume 1

2006-12-20T01:34:00.000-05:00

First Semester Pics Volume 1

I thought about the title for about 2 seconds.

Here’s one thing everyone should avoid, taking compromising photos, after all they could end up on someone’s blog who peddles smut and advocates gay military. Here’s a little background on this photo, Irish (on the right) is caught in a compromising photo by no fault of his own. Elle (on the left) possibly inebriated is coming on strong, Irish being the perfect gentleman has absolutely no idea what to do.

While at college for your first semester please make sure to be careful of the flesh eating zombie armies that spring up throughout the year and try to eat your brains (this message applies as void for all those in the state of New Hampshire).

College provides the perfect envir

onment to try new hairstyles such as this blow out type hairstyle. I had been up all night contemplating the importance of continuity editing in cinema, and I was considering making a film with all discontinuity then I remembered it already has been done (some Salvador Dali movie that has a scene similar to Hostel). Spiking your hair up like this actually shows you how much of a hippie you’ve become at College.

Yoda will krill, always!

Sexual innuendoes such as this one seem to pop up overnight. It’s strange sometimes to wake up and see a joke just sitting around the house then you notice the cleverness of it, even though this joke becomes immediately obvious once you know what the blue bottles say. It’s sometimes good to see a joke like this, instead of finding a giant penis drawn on your collar when you inspect your uniform in the morning, I am of course referring to a high school incident.

The sign says "Is This A Penis Joke?" and the small print says "Because if it is, then that really chaps my ass.

The bottles say Bawls, or balls, get it blue balls, and to think we put these things in our mouth.

Is That Your Identity?

2006-12-19T21:51:00.000-05:00

I watched the game show Identity today. It's like Deal or No Deal with less blind guessing, and more social profiling. You have to guess the jobs of people by looking at them. Penn Jillette says the above catchphrase while thrusting the shocker at the person. Thanks to winter break, my dormmates won't get harrassed by the following: What's your job back home? (mark: cockfiend) So cockfiend. Is...That..Your...Identity?

The contestant was a little Filipino dude who jumped around, and pounded his chest (a la me playing Mario Pary drunk). I think I would drink before this game show if I was on it. Jeopardy, no. Wheel of Fortune, yes. I've always wanted to pass out on the wheel and hit on Vanna White. Obviously it would not be possible in that order. Although drunk, I could not come up with "I've been eyeing you Before & After the show, and I think we should have the Same Name."

A shot or two would loosen me up to play Identity. One effect is that I wouldn't let stereotypes hold me back. If the job is accountant, I won't feel guilty about picking the Jewish guy (don't worry I have a Borat-like pass for these jokes). I also would most likely call the females on the show, bitches (don't worry I have a Mary Wollstonecraft-like pass for these jokes).

Some of the occupations in this episode were Russian immigrant, NFL football player, and belly dancer. The producers had them dressed as to give a hint. The football player was Ray Crockett, an old Bronco, who my friend from the Amityville Blog would know. The contestant said he looked like TO, I thought it was Rodney Harrison.

But let's go back to the more interesting topic of getting trashed before playing (not TO, but being a contestant). I'd drink before the Price is Right as a way to keep entertained. And as you know, drinking is accepted on Family Feud, as long as you don't get as drunk as the host.
-AC

Antichrist's Warning of the Week: Inflated Ego

2006-12-18T21:14:00.000-05:00

Time magazine named "You" Person of the Year. Sorry Jiyuan Yu, Professor of Philosophy at the State University of New York at Buffalo. How do I break this to you, everyone who is Time's Person of the Year, step forward, not so fast Jiyuan Yu, Professor of Philosophy at the State University of New York at Buffalo. Oh, he counts too, well congrats. Sorry about the confusion.

Now you gotta keep your ego in check. Don't think that you can put this on a résumé. George W. Bush however, can say that he is now a three time Person of the Year. But that's only because he's a sleuthy one, and President.

This recognition does not give you a mandate for certain behavior. As you all are wondering, you cannot now publicly grope because you are Person of the Year. You could do that before. Hobos grope. They are arguably not Person of the Year, since they accounted for zero growth of user-generated content on the internet. I take that back, Bum Fight videos were definitely generated.

As a way to suppress your ego, I'll inform you that Hitler was chosen in 1938 (Mel Gibson continues to vote for him to this day). So if you want to inflate your ego, admire your dick size, America. This has been Antichrist with the Warning of the Week.

The Glory of Christmas

2006-12-17T23:53:00.000-05:00

by Antichrist

This evening I went to a Christmas play at a local Baptist church. I admit that throughout the show I was thinking of how I could turn it into possible blog fodder. I had low expectations upon commencement, I spotted a girl that looked like Alyson Hannigan, about 17 and unfortunately lacking the Jewish heritage of Ms. Hannigan (eww putting it like that reminds me of an old high school teacher with the same name, and the the thought of me lusting for her is quite grody). Anywho, I relegated myself to being Spacey in American Beauty, and thought I would be watching her for the whole show.

But then she and her pasty teenage boy counterparts left, and a group of younger kids came out. The band provided them a grimy beat that only the late Aaliyah could handle, and they did their impression of Ike Broflovski's class at the Thanksgiving play.

They were followed by a group of kids older than Ike's kindergarten class, but younger than the Pre-Teen Braves. One of the girls stood out with ruffled cuffs, and semi-seductive dancing. Is it a faux pas to say a girl will be hot when she grows up? Everything I've read in Lolita tells me it's not.

Seeing old people in the play dance in a 50's style era motif, made me remember how much I like the elderly. Not even on some "I really respect the aged, so much wisdom, so much wisdom" that you would say to a girl who mentions old people (Kelly O'Connor in my situation).

There was a guy that looked like my friend Heather's dad, (big and stern, close cut hair), who twirled a hula-hoop around his neck. I think Heather's dad has short hair. Hair is something I don't remember about people. For a girl, if it's not blonde, it might as well be octoroon, because I'm not going remember the color. And of course I'm speaking of pubic hair. And yes, I know what an octoroon is. I am one.

Blog Carnival

2006-12-17T23:12:00.000-05:00

From the same site that annointed this blog as the best of the day on Sept. 13 (which I will recognize as a holiday), has included me in the Blog Carnival. Various bloggers (carnival goers) give a link to a post to the site's creator Bobby (the carny), who lists all of the posts together.

Hopefully some blog notoriety (cotton candy) will get sent my way. For you, the average Antichrist & Minotaur Man blog reader, this increases the chance that you can say "I was up on their shit before they got popular and sold out," much like I say about The Shins. The Who also sold out.
-AC

REVENGE

2006-12-16T17:55:00.000-05:00

by Antichrist

I have come to believe that plotting revenge would be a very rewarding endeavor. I have however, neither the worthy receipient of this revenge, nor the cold heart. My heart is capable of only campy teen movie revenge, and this obviously will not do. I could come up with a plan to have paint dropped on a teacher I don't like. Too campy. I could pull down the pants of the school bully. Can you say Campylobacter? I could be a secretary that gets back at his boss who looks like Tina Fey, and with whom he has sexual tension with, by fucking boning her completely. Too Dilbert-erotica-esque.

However, if my heart were a bit colder (maybe if I had a dysfunctional semilunar valve or something) I would dream about plotting revenge that was on some extensive multi-year to come to fruition shit. It would have to be long enough, so that when I forgot about the whole thing, I would be suprised about my past genius. With my heavy drug intake, that would be about two weeks. Just kidding. It's really more like two days.

My plan would need an element of the person I would be plotting revenge on (for the sake of space, let's say Bill Paxton) waking up without knowing where they were. It would be crucial that Bill Paxton didn't learn a life lesson from the whole experience.

I would need some traps/torture, but I realize I'm not witty enough, so I would consult Method Man on the intricacies of the torture art form. He would give me a list of things, and I could cross them off one by one. Better yet, I would have them ordered to be done, so I could cross them off while I was on an airplane.

If I was ever found out, I would quickly give myself up in order to have my genius plot be admired (a la Sideshow Bob or Bond villians).

I would spill the beans to everyone how I held Bill Paxton captive for five years, and hypnotized him into falling in love with his then 15 year old daughter, Lydia.

The Gospel According To Webbie

2006-12-15T22:55:00.000-05:00

A communion service based on the music of U2 has become the latest trend for a number of Episcopal churches across the U.S.

The U2Charist--named after the band and the Eucharist communion--weaves songs by the Irish rockers into a church service along with corresponding slides. Link

by Antichrist

A lesser known preaching method, and arguably not effective at all, is a sermon based on Lil' Webbie lyrics:

Boo I'm digging you too
You wanna be one of the chosen few
Then gon get up in this motherfucker
God wants you to be a believer, so get all up in that Holy Book and school ya'self.

Wop wop get loose let's take this shit to the room
And you just keep yourself excited til we get to the room
Jesus will one day return, so be excited about going to heaven.

It aint nobodys buisness what we do where we go how we come where we been
Matthew 6:6 - But when you pray, go to your inner room, close the door, and pray to your Father in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will repay you.

Showin up with yo thugs , me and my thugs'll make yo thugs bounce
Create a prayer community with your "apostles."

She don't mind giving me some mouth and lip service
It's better to give than receive?

10 Other Uses For The World's Tallest Man

2006-12-14T14:30:00.000-05:00

BEIJING (Dec. 14) - The long arms of the world's tallest man reached in and saved two dolphins by pulling out plastic from their stomachs, state media and an aquarium official said Thursday.
Bao Xishun, [is] a 7-foot-9 herdsman from Inner Mongolia with 41.7-inch arms.

10. Being a valuable part of a real-life performance of the Aristocrats joke

9. Confuse people by tapping their opposite shoulder from feet away

8. Lifting children from a well

7. Covering Britney Spears' vadge as she gets out of a car

6. Inclusion in the joke: How many Chinese veterinarians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Zero, they can't do it without the world's tallest man.

5. Steal shit from stores without entering them

4. Making an Asian actor the next Billy Crystal, with My Mongolian Giant

3. Maximum arm flailing on the Wii

2. The ultimate defense against prison keistering

1. The voice and inspiration for the new Chinese cartoon about a superhero who uses his long arms to defeat villains, save the day, and give viewers epilepsy
-AC

Antichrist's Warning of the Week: The Wii

2006-12-11T15:39:00.000-05:00

Ever since the release of the Wii, injuries have befallen many a gamer. I did some empirical study to get at the source. No, I haven't played the Wii. No, I haven't seen anyone injure themself playing. What I have done however, is seen the Wii in a glass case at a video game store. And boy does that thing look dangerous.

Some injuries that have been reported are sore backs and shoulders. This is the first known case of latissimus dorsi strains since the inception of the silent killer "Duck Hunt." Moving a stick around is almost like playing the actual sport. I respect these chronic injuries that can occur due to overuse of the "gamer's elbow."

Injuries that I cannot respect are the arm flailing debaucheries. Broken glass everywhere, bloody hands, and exploding controllers do not garner my repsect. Not because of the drunkeness of the users, but of the idea behind it...Medical bills.

I did some more empirical study about this company Nintendo, and found a link to medical professions...Dr. Mario. Apparently he's been associated with the company for a substantial amount of time. Is he the mastermind behind a system that has caused injuries across the country, in an effort to draw new patients? I'll let you decide America. This has been Antichrist with the Warning of the Week.

Worker Elves File Lawsuit Over "The Santa Clause 3"

2006-12-10T15:45:00.000-05:00

by Antichrist

This week, three worker elves from the North Pole are suing over their appearance in "The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause." They claim that they were tricked into appearing in the movie by the producers.

During a break from whittling, the three elves (Bearclaw Moondance, Halek Feslin, and Maleen Burdakin) say they were each given sippy cups of Grey Goose, which according to their account, made them start "feelin' loose."

The behavior that is displayed in the movie speaks for itself. The elves blame their low tolerance for "the hooch." The production crew persuaded them to make a presentation on the construction of sex toys that goes on during the afterhours of the workshop. They were made to believe that this footage would be shown in the extras of the DVD. Instead, their two hour long instruction will be released by itself, and will be available by Christmas.

Smelly Ads

2006-12-09T15:55:00.000-05:00

Failed endeavor: Milk advertisers putting chocolate chip cookie-scented strips behind their ads at San Francisco bus stops

Spin-Off Ideas: by Antichrist

Detroit officials throwing alcohol pads on the floor of homeless shelters

University of Miami administrators placing scratch and sniff marijuana stickers in the football locker room

Gas station bathrooms across the country putting up urine-scented strips, so the room will smell from the time it is cleaned until the next time it's used

Smoke-scented strips placed in restaurants after smoking was banned, as a way to keep a similar atmosphere, and warrant a smoking section

Stickers smelling of fecal matter, to cover the entire body of the first drunk kid to pass out

Blogging Jazz Back To Life

2006-12-07T18:08:00.000-05:00

Jazz aficionados are hoping that the popularity of the blog posts by composer Dave Douglas, along with the blogs making out-of-print jazz music available, will help to resurrect the music form. Some would say that jazz is the hottest subject in the Blogosphere. Most would ask if that's the movie with Paulie Shore.

In an attempt to not be left out of the crowd (not really), I'll put my reading of an article from the NY Times to good use (really), and attempt to create a jazzian fervor, as it is of profound importance to me (we'll see).

I feel the best way to rejuvinate the arrhythmic beating heart of jazz is through shock value:

Greg Ostertag could revolutionize the techinque of playing an instrument by sucking.

Modern musicians don't put enough stress on the "and" beat that is so very crucial.

Pepsi Jazz should be garnered the name Pepsi Jizz due to it's poor taste and high viscosity.
-AC

Mascot Wagers

2006-11-28T22:29:00.000-05:00

If we don't win next game...

I'll denounce my Blood affiliation

I'll admit I was blatanly ripped off of the Hamburgler

I'll be replaced by a smaller, quicker Japanese model

I'll stop going commando

I'll hand the suit over to three midgets

I'll stop refereeing Gators football games
-AC

Top Ten Reasons Why Prisoners Want The Web

2006-11-24T18:22:00.000-05:00

Inmates go to court to seek right to use the Internet

by Antichrist

10) To join the Myspace group "Fuck the BCS Poll"

9) To start a bidding war on eBay for a shiv

8) Going on imdb.com to be able to quote Morgan Freeman from Shawshank Redemption

7) To read the Antichrist and Minotaur Man blog

6) To post their hilarious video "Doin in the snitch" on youtube

5) Ask.com: How to start a jailbreak

4) Looking for the lyrics to Hilary Duff - Come Clean

3) Pwning newbs in an online debate about the death penalty

2) Ordering shirts that say "Free Your Name Here"

1) IM'ing is so much more fasionable than yelling from cell to cell

Sleepin Undah Uh Bridge at Wikipedia University

2006-11-24T10:51:00.000-05:00

So I've been thinking allot lately about what to post and my mind keeps on running blank. Then someone says " Hey Sam, you should put that sleeping under a bridge story in yo blog." I then proceeded to stab that man in the face and steal his idea. One fateful weekend I was offered the opportunity to go to Connecticut, sorry to say this Connecticut people, you suck. Any way this was my second drunken experience in Connecticut and it was spent at Quinnipiac University, I think that's how you spell it, we just called it Wikipedia University. The day starts off simple enough we arrive at the college, take our bags to our small apartment room that we are spending the night in. We meet up with the girls, my friend's friends, and kind of shoot the shit, I didn't really pay attention, because of my shovanist ways, and then we took a group shit in the spacious Wikipedia University bathroom. This all goes down without a hitch, then at 5 o' clock we are deserted by our female companions and left in the room alone with my favorite Russian comrade, or czar, or suhzar, or whatever, his name is Vlad. If you don't know what I mean by Vlad then let me be a bit more specific, it's fucking vodka, cheap vodka, and we had a gallon. So logically, and I figured this equation out afterwards of course.

4 Guys+ Complete boredom+ Freddy vs. Jason+ Comrade Vlad+ Some orange drink shit= Drinking and drunkenness????!!??

So somewhere around 7 o' clock the females return, by this time I'm raging drunk. I start tampering with this Wal-Mart Halloween toy, pressing the small button below the skeleton in a suit to hear him say "I'm the cat's pajamas" weird shit, but funny, me and my buddy got a kick outta that thing, meaning we kicked it later on in the night. Anyways, I'm raging drunk and I go with my horny friend to talk to ladies on the same floor as us, I'm just along for the ride, because I'm so drunk and have no inhibitions. So the conversations kind of went like this to the best of my memory.

Door number 1
Horny :( Knocks on door)
Drunkey: Hello!!!!
Girl1: Hey!
Drunkey:( stares at woman from head to toe as if she were a piece of meat)
Horny: What's up, we're just going around knocking on peoples doors and introducing ourselves
Drunkey: Yeah!
(Awkward silence, my extremely loud Yeah! still hangs in the air, introductions were made, but I simply forgot the girls name, I think I was giving a fake one)
Horny: So what are you doing later tonight
Girl1: Well it's my birthday and I'm having a party
Drunkey: Ya know they served tomato soup at my last birthday party
(Awkward silence)
Horny: Yeah well, maybe I can give you my number and we can meet up later
(I blurt out)
Drunkey: For the party, yes the party of course.
(Horny gets the girl's number and we move to the next door)

Door Number 2
Drunkey: (Knocks on door) Hey, hey open this sheeeeet
Girl2: Hey, come in it's open
(We enter the room, the girl is preparing for something)
Horny: Where are your roommates
Drunkey: Hey where are your roommates pal (Jabbing index finger into Horney’s chest- that sounded a bit erotic)
Girl2: Oh they left for the weekend
Drunkey: Cute, I'm outta here I need another drink

So much for an attention span, I left the girl's room and preceded to drink more, now I am plastered beyond belief. I feel sick so I head to the spacious bathrooms again. I see many people in the hallways all drunk, but not as drunk as me, I was holding onto the wall so I wouldn't fly away. It's as if a large alcohol bomb has went off in this campus, suddenly the place erupts in a frenzy of beer pong, and drunken beeetches. I find my destination and take a seat on the toilet, and what do you know some other people are taking a group shit. I started to make loud fart noises, and they didn't know who it was from. I walk out of the bathroom and then outside. I see a staircase leading to the abyss. I go down it, I see trees passing me by, then I turn around to see the steps I had previously walked down are now a mile behind me, or at least it looked that way, there was also two sets of steps. So I feel sick again, and I desperately need a place to lie down, I wander around for a bit and see a footbridge, after stepping in the creek I collapse under this footbridge. I pass out with my headphones in my ear playing Hotel California, I feel like a true junkie. One hour later I get a call from my one friend who was fucking around with the cat's pajamas toy with me. He asks, where did you go, I pick my head up look around and say, "I think I'm under a bridge." Of course this answer dumb founds him. I finally get out of the ravine and walk across the bridge I had just slept under. I don't really remember much else, my friend said someone pulled a fire alarm that night and I remember eating pizza, but that's it.

-Minotaur Man